more labels, mor acceptance
When trauma happens, when crisis happens, it can freeze us. In terms of myself, alcoholism and obesity trapped me as a 17 year old and now I am 26.
I came out at 16 and went back in the closet. It seems odd and hypocritical to have come out of the closet then only to retreat back, into women, into heteronormativity. But since I enjoy judgement, since I am the self-loathing variety, it seems only now after gastric bypass and being active in AA that I come to terms and embrace my homosexuality. Yes, I am bipolar; yes I am an alcoholic; yes, I had such severe weight issues I had gastric bypass. Why do I still struggle to accept my sexual preferences?
My life seems to be about preaching and exploring equality, understanding, education. Whether this is all cliche and silly is irrelevant. I feel as if accepting this, I have removed my own noose, my albatross. But certain realities now can be fully brought to terms. In order to survive, the central valley is perhaps not ideal for myself as a person. Monogamy is on my agenda; I am Episcopalian because I am political, and though I've met gay Catholics, that is not who I am.
There is a greater sense of clarity and purpose in life. I don't want to do the hard work, but I know that without it I am increasingly worthless. It's all a matter of perspective, and right now my perspective is that I love myself and I have goals which need fulfillment.
I came out at 16 and went back in the closet. It seems odd and hypocritical to have come out of the closet then only to retreat back, into women, into heteronormativity. But since I enjoy judgement, since I am the self-loathing variety, it seems only now after gastric bypass and being active in AA that I come to terms and embrace my homosexuality. Yes, I am bipolar; yes I am an alcoholic; yes, I had such severe weight issues I had gastric bypass. Why do I still struggle to accept my sexual preferences?
My life seems to be about preaching and exploring equality, understanding, education. Whether this is all cliche and silly is irrelevant. I feel as if accepting this, I have removed my own noose, my albatross. But certain realities now can be fully brought to terms. In order to survive, the central valley is perhaps not ideal for myself as a person. Monogamy is on my agenda; I am Episcopalian because I am political, and though I've met gay Catholics, that is not who I am.
There is a greater sense of clarity and purpose in life. I don't want to do the hard work, but I know that without it I am increasingly worthless. It's all a matter of perspective, and right now my perspective is that I love myself and I have goals which need fulfillment.