if you're so very good looking, why do you sleep alone tonight?
My mind can rarely form coherent thoughts. From time to time, when I go about updating this journal, I try to look at the most recent entries for some sort of thematic continuity. As I read through, I saw some titles that made me wonder --I was thinking of Oasis? I had listened to the Beatles recently? Even with the recent Talking Heads obsession, there is still a much greater sense of variety in that which my ears are being exposed. The need for variety is clear and it is being fed at a far greater rate than in the past. I'm really not sure what I'm doing these days, but I am keeping busy.
The past few days have been busy and the next few will be as well. Today the label of being "social" was thrown around. If we live in a society, and part of that society is the ability to interact with others --i.e., being social --then why have people been saying "you're so social!" in some sort of mysterious way. Perhaps this is just another gross misunderstanding on my part, but it seems pejorative, rather accusatory. Since when is it a big deal to have friends and interact with them? Is Modesto that devoid of variety?
Again, this is a relatively busy moment, but it will subside soon. Because lists are my way of not coping with reality, my way of removing the emotion from reality, here is what has been (and will be) going on:
September 6: Alicia (my friend of 9 years) who has spent the majority of the past 3 years in the Peace Corps returned. She will be around until Tuesday, the 9th. Since this was a Thursday, it was also karaoke night. This marked the 12th consecutive Thursday in which I have done karaoke. There was a week or two where I did karaoke more than once (I believe the record was 4).
September 7: My sister turned 30. The celebration was a night out at the dance club, Crocodile's. It was a very exciting night, as there were many, many single ladies in our group and I got to dance with almost all of them. It was much fun. Normally I chair a meeting that night, and I also go to Occupy Modesto, but I found a replacement for the meeting and skipped Occupy altogether.
September 8: A friend's going away party. One of my AA friends is moving to Southern California. This was the first big social event I've had with AA people. I also had dinner with Alicia and her dad and her dad's lady friend/partner of many years. My friend Lee called us and we did karaoke. I also got to see another friend I hadn't seen in a while.
I let the ball drop on this day, because I also had a bank action I missed (overslept!) and a party at the Democratic headquarters I ended up skipping.
September 9 I have a birthday party to go to. A newly acquired friend will be turning 20. There's also a softball game (AA related) to go to. They overlap in time, but if I plan accordingly, there is time to go to both. I also chair a meeting at 8, and due to schedule changes, I won't be restricted in my car usage.
September 10 I have job opportunities to follow up on. There are also some important AA stuff to tend to; elections at one fellowship, and a business meeting at the other. I may miss the latter in order to fulfill the former, but nothing much.
September 11 Alicia will be leaving for Portland, as she is now going to resume living in the United States. There's also another AA business meeting I need to attend.
This feels boastful to an extent. Is this really that "social" or anything to be envious of? I'm often torn between what any of this really means. In order to refer to the title and drag this out for a bit, I'd like to note the following:
The subject of sex and sexuality has been a prominent discussion point. It seems these days, all I do is talk sex, politics, or music. In terms of sex, there has been the very real notion and discussion of experiences, and how many partners people have been. I do have one friend who was beaming with excitement because he's now had sex FIVE times. In the month of August, I slept with 6 people (5 of which were new partners) --I the bare minimum amount of times I had sex would be 6, but I exceeded that. In contrast, I found out that one of those 6 people, one of the "new" ones, has slept with approximately 150 people. They're unsure about the number; although he's gay, there were quite a few women that slipped into the count. Interesting.
None of this is meant to be prideful or shameful. I'm sort of confused if there is any underlying meaning to any of this. In addition to the "being social" observation, it has been suggested that with my approximately 35-40 sexual partners, I may be a slut, or slutty. But here is where I am more confused, and related to the title of this entry. People have also labeled me as smart, funny, kind, attractive, etc. But why do I sleep alone tonight?
After my sister's party, I went home, without anyone. Even though I danced with several attractive, single women and kissed more than one of them, I did not go beyond that. Tonight, I believe I missed out on an opportunity to fulfill nearly 10 years of desire. In fact, I know I did, as there was a lean in and I didn't kiss.
With some reflection, it could be that in the month of August I was manic. The string of sexual partners being primarily in the first 2 weeks of the month would also attest to this. It has been about 3 (or 4?) weeks since I've had sex. Since becoming sexually active in 2004, the longest stretch without sex was 10 months.
But if I am all of those labels, which I would like to consider fairly positive, why arn't I more engaged with others? Why arn't I getting laid more often? Why am I single?
I'm not sure what I want at this point, in any aspect of my life. I do know, however, that planning is very, very important. Without some sort of broad outline, very little can be accomplished. In discussing this, I tried to explain to someone how I view myself as partly nihilistic, in the sense that I am devoid of personality or meaning. To use Camus' label, I am fairly absurd. Of course, the term nihilism is different, one I primarily use to also describe the strong undercurrent of antisocial behaviours and tendencies I've exhibited periodically over the years. It isn't the most fitting. The sense I am using it is to describe the "go with the flow" the "lack of clear goals or objectives" the "low ambitions" I feel. When in these fits, these moods, I question if I have core values.
What are my values? What do I believe in? I argue I am largely a product of my environment and times, that because of the limited basic elements of life, despite the infinite amount of surface differences, the deep structure is limited in scope. I believe Joseph Campbell theorizes there are 7 basic stories.
I want to matter. I want to have more sex. I want. I want. I want. Dalton Ames I want. I need. I yearn. I long. Dalton I lust. Ames I. I. I. Dalton Ames...
The past few days have been busy and the next few will be as well. Today the label of being "social" was thrown around. If we live in a society, and part of that society is the ability to interact with others --i.e., being social --then why have people been saying "you're so social!" in some sort of mysterious way. Perhaps this is just another gross misunderstanding on my part, but it seems pejorative, rather accusatory. Since when is it a big deal to have friends and interact with them? Is Modesto that devoid of variety?
Again, this is a relatively busy moment, but it will subside soon. Because lists are my way of not coping with reality, my way of removing the emotion from reality, here is what has been (and will be) going on:
September 6: Alicia (my friend of 9 years) who has spent the majority of the past 3 years in the Peace Corps returned. She will be around until Tuesday, the 9th. Since this was a Thursday, it was also karaoke night. This marked the 12th consecutive Thursday in which I have done karaoke. There was a week or two where I did karaoke more than once (I believe the record was 4).
September 7: My sister turned 30. The celebration was a night out at the dance club, Crocodile's. It was a very exciting night, as there were many, many single ladies in our group and I got to dance with almost all of them. It was much fun. Normally I chair a meeting that night, and I also go to Occupy Modesto, but I found a replacement for the meeting and skipped Occupy altogether.
September 8: A friend's going away party. One of my AA friends is moving to Southern California. This was the first big social event I've had with AA people. I also had dinner with Alicia and her dad and her dad's lady friend/partner of many years. My friend Lee called us and we did karaoke. I also got to see another friend I hadn't seen in a while.
I let the ball drop on this day, because I also had a bank action I missed (overslept!) and a party at the Democratic headquarters I ended up skipping.
September 9 I have a birthday party to go to. A newly acquired friend will be turning 20. There's also a softball game (AA related) to go to. They overlap in time, but if I plan accordingly, there is time to go to both. I also chair a meeting at 8, and due to schedule changes, I won't be restricted in my car usage.
September 10 I have job opportunities to follow up on. There are also some important AA stuff to tend to; elections at one fellowship, and a business meeting at the other. I may miss the latter in order to fulfill the former, but nothing much.
September 11 Alicia will be leaving for Portland, as she is now going to resume living in the United States. There's also another AA business meeting I need to attend.
This feels boastful to an extent. Is this really that "social" or anything to be envious of? I'm often torn between what any of this really means. In order to refer to the title and drag this out for a bit, I'd like to note the following:
The subject of sex and sexuality has been a prominent discussion point. It seems these days, all I do is talk sex, politics, or music. In terms of sex, there has been the very real notion and discussion of experiences, and how many partners people have been. I do have one friend who was beaming with excitement because he's now had sex FIVE times. In the month of August, I slept with 6 people (5 of which were new partners) --I the bare minimum amount of times I had sex would be 6, but I exceeded that. In contrast, I found out that one of those 6 people, one of the "new" ones, has slept with approximately 150 people. They're unsure about the number; although he's gay, there were quite a few women that slipped into the count. Interesting.
None of this is meant to be prideful or shameful. I'm sort of confused if there is any underlying meaning to any of this. In addition to the "being social" observation, it has been suggested that with my approximately 35-40 sexual partners, I may be a slut, or slutty. But here is where I am more confused, and related to the title of this entry. People have also labeled me as smart, funny, kind, attractive, etc. But why do I sleep alone tonight?
After my sister's party, I went home, without anyone. Even though I danced with several attractive, single women and kissed more than one of them, I did not go beyond that. Tonight, I believe I missed out on an opportunity to fulfill nearly 10 years of desire. In fact, I know I did, as there was a lean in and I didn't kiss.
With some reflection, it could be that in the month of August I was manic. The string of sexual partners being primarily in the first 2 weeks of the month would also attest to this. It has been about 3 (or 4?) weeks since I've had sex. Since becoming sexually active in 2004, the longest stretch without sex was 10 months.
But if I am all of those labels, which I would like to consider fairly positive, why arn't I more engaged with others? Why arn't I getting laid more often? Why am I single?
I'm not sure what I want at this point, in any aspect of my life. I do know, however, that planning is very, very important. Without some sort of broad outline, very little can be accomplished. In discussing this, I tried to explain to someone how I view myself as partly nihilistic, in the sense that I am devoid of personality or meaning. To use Camus' label, I am fairly absurd. Of course, the term nihilism is different, one I primarily use to also describe the strong undercurrent of antisocial behaviours and tendencies I've exhibited periodically over the years. It isn't the most fitting. The sense I am using it is to describe the "go with the flow" the "lack of clear goals or objectives" the "low ambitions" I feel. When in these fits, these moods, I question if I have core values.
What are my values? What do I believe in? I argue I am largely a product of my environment and times, that because of the limited basic elements of life, despite the infinite amount of surface differences, the deep structure is limited in scope. I believe Joseph Campbell theorizes there are 7 basic stories.
I want to matter. I want to have more sex. I want. I want. I want. Dalton Ames I want. I need. I yearn. I long. Dalton I lust. Ames I. I. I. Dalton Ames...