economics, mostly
Today has been an exercise in Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
I'm not sure how I feel about mixing this writing with my life in sobriety, but right now, I'm having a hard time making any distinctions. I suppose I haven't really separated them, as sobriety has become a defining feature of who I am at this moment. I suppose I'm saying, I don't want any unnecessary judgments from anyone; at this moment, I am experiencing one of my worst lows since April.
Today I received my financial aid money --all that was left over after tuition and fees were paid. It isn't much, really. In fact, it is about half of what I had originally applied for and accepted, but I knew that the budget (especially that of the state) were bound to change the amounts. I was prepared for that. The only problem, however, is that the bulk of that is being eaten up by past debts.
The biggest of the debts is the student loans from previous years. I'm incredibly backed up; however, I don't think even if my incidents earlier this year had not happened that I would be caught up. I'm sure that the hole could be been more manageable, however. But alas, I must pay for my past transgressions in many ways --in this case, economically. But of the other debts and burdens and fees I have accumulated?
The other big ticket item I have to pay is my traffic ticket. This one really shouldn't be here, but alas, between all the mistakes I've made, it seemed rather inevitable. It is really a small pittance to pay, when you consider the emotional and psychological burdens I placed on my family and myself. I did so much damage to society. I really should have had more serious consequences, but alas, if this is all I have in material terms to pay, well, I shouldn't complain.
I shouldn't complain about this; a few hundred dollars to pay for material costs is nothing.
I should be more grateful and accepting that I had family, friends, and others, to help me along the way.
Right now, however, my mind is bogged down on the powerless and unmanageablity issues. I still don't have my license, but I did begin the research process to figure out how to go about that and what documents I need to fill out in order to complete the writ of mandate within the 94 days I have. I just have to make sure I dot every i and cross every t and do complete the procedure by the specified deadline. I've set my own personal timeline about 2 weeks before it is actually due, in an effort to light some fire under my ass.
I spent so many years, wasting my life. I know I'm only 25 but it is hard to not feel like I'm behind on everything. There are so many problems and deadlines still looming. "There's too much on my mind..."
So, I've got all that pending and up in the air. The loan is to be paid ASAP; the ticket is to be paid by 20 September; the writ of mandate by filed by October; in addition, I've got classes to worry about, and the issue of transportation and what not.
I hope to have most of these issues resolved soon enough, that I can be driving by January, if not sooner. It can be worked out and it can be solved.
The real issue now, however, is that the loans and tickets might be an issue. Because of the events leading up to the traffic ticket and the meltdown in April, I've got the unfortunate problem that I may not be able to pay anything online. I thought I had paid an online payment for my loan back in June, but I'm really not sure now. My bank card is blocked; I have no ATM access. The ticket should be easy enough, as I believe they prefer to be paid via cashier's check anyways, but that takes more time, more fees, more energy. But, again, I shouldn't complain --the point is, I have the money, and I've got over 30 days to complete that, so why worry? I can undoubtedly make it to the bank and send it out in the mail and have them receive it before then, so why worry?
I have the added frustration because today did not go as planned. I was supposed to get up at 5 (my new wake-up time for M-F, if not the whole week). I didn't do that. I broke a commitment to a friend, to have breakfast after the 7am meeting. I didn't actually wake up until 10am. I did my business, got ready, and was at the law library from about 11:20-12:50. I think I got enough of an idea on what I need to do, I just need to also figure out how to go about getting the pleading papers or whatever. I have a feeling this will be a good educational experience, a cautionary tale reminding me to actually take care of my mental health. But will I listen? Will I remember this the next time things spiral out of control? I sure hope so, I really do.
I went to therapy today. That went well enough, I suppose. Not too much time spent on therapeutic matters, actually, as much time was devoted to talks of education and spiritual and religious beliefs. Because this is the most structured schedule I've had in 8 years, I'm really freaking out, and actually not too surprised that I did sleep 5 hours more than I intended. I still view it as a disappointment, a minor setback.
After the library, I had lunch and coffee at a cafe and spent some time at the regular library. It felt nice, to be amongst the books and ideas. I really do love and value the public library system. I just worry about it so much.
And, of course, there are the worries and concerns of embarking on this teaching career path. It has been relatively calm and easy the last 2 weeks, as I haven't had to worry about evening classes yet. Even then, I only have 2 days of actual, regular, weekly class. The other classes meet only a few times per the semester; 2 of the classes actually only meet twice; one is simply 2 credits for being in the high school; and another course meets 8 times throughout. Of the two that meet every week, I'm actually only worried about the Wednesday night one, as it is in Stockton (further away than the Main Campus in Turlock, but to the North rather than to the South) and because it is so late --7 to 9pm. It'll get done, so I'm not too worried. It'll just be a pain, again, because of the transportation issue.
I've been so busy worrying about all of the above issues. I had a comment recently about how I shouldn't have to be setting hygiene goals, that they should just come naturally. I don't think it was realised that I've really spent 8 years avoiding responsibility, really only doing the bare minimum. I've spent those 8 years in active addiction, trying to kill myself --"sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."
I'm having to start from scratch, really. I mean, true, I have the knowledge of Spanish, took 2 years in high school (one year was AP, and I scored a 5)and 2 courses at CSUS, but I don't know how to teach it. I don't know what is appropriate and what is not. My approach may be too academic, too high of an expectation for a lowly elective --and I've been told by numerous individuals that foreign languages really are the bottom rung of the educational hierarchy --even if they are a requirement for the CSU and UC schools. Very, very frustrating. I just don't know what to do, as the role of technology has increased. The site I'm at swears by technology; from what I've heard and seen, I'm not sure there is a class on campus that doesn't use power point at least once throughout the week. I've only had to make one power point my whole life, back in 7th grade --which was, incidentally, the last time I took a computer course. There's so much I don't know or don't understand. So, I have to conform to site standards, district standards, county and state and federal standards and face the reality that if I am to have a teaching job at this time next year, it might not be in the same city or county --I may end up relocating, or subbing or whatever.
I think I've gotten a lot done. I'm on the right track for now. I just get so frustrated and fed up. Again, I shouldn't complain; these are all, mostly, material costs which can be paid for and forgiven at some time or another.
I guess I'm just upset because they reflect deeper, structural problems. I don't always get to work on those issues. In fact, the way my schedule and transportation issues and schedule is, I'm realistically looking at not being able to make a meeting until either Saturday night or sometime Sunday. I can't make a meeting Monday, but I hope to get back into a semi-regular flow by Tuesday.
I've got some long and lonely days ahead of me. All penance for the sins and transgressions that became habit and routine and ritualized misconduct. I wish that I could take back the hurt I've caused people, but I'm not there yet. I'm just not ready for that step. But I've got to.
And just because I have all these obligations, doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't squeeze it in. I guess I'm fortunate enough that my social life imploded, as now I'm not as caught up in myself and can utilize all that time spent drunk or talking about nothing with friends can be devoted to service and what not.
I need to give back. I just hope it isn't too late.
I'm sorry this entry was so bitchy and self-centered. For what seems like the umpteenth time this week, if not this day, I feel myself tearing up, thinking about a lot of what I've done and where I've been. I think about the pain I've caused, and I just start crying. Sometimes, actually, the crying has been happy, as when I saw that Wild Flag will be playing in San Francisco in November, and how I might actually be able to squeeze that in, even though I really shouldn't --I should work on other things. It seems rather silly, to buy a 17 dollar concert ticket, when there's so much more that should be done.
I guess I need to prioritize and continue doing the right things for the right reasons. I've got to fight myself, if I'm to live.
My life is unmanageable, and I do need help.
I'm not sure how I feel about mixing this writing with my life in sobriety, but right now, I'm having a hard time making any distinctions. I suppose I haven't really separated them, as sobriety has become a defining feature of who I am at this moment. I suppose I'm saying, I don't want any unnecessary judgments from anyone; at this moment, I am experiencing one of my worst lows since April.
Today I received my financial aid money --all that was left over after tuition and fees were paid. It isn't much, really. In fact, it is about half of what I had originally applied for and accepted, but I knew that the budget (especially that of the state) were bound to change the amounts. I was prepared for that. The only problem, however, is that the bulk of that is being eaten up by past debts.
The biggest of the debts is the student loans from previous years. I'm incredibly backed up; however, I don't think even if my incidents earlier this year had not happened that I would be caught up. I'm sure that the hole could be been more manageable, however. But alas, I must pay for my past transgressions in many ways --in this case, economically. But of the other debts and burdens and fees I have accumulated?
The other big ticket item I have to pay is my traffic ticket. This one really shouldn't be here, but alas, between all the mistakes I've made, it seemed rather inevitable. It is really a small pittance to pay, when you consider the emotional and psychological burdens I placed on my family and myself. I did so much damage to society. I really should have had more serious consequences, but alas, if this is all I have in material terms to pay, well, I shouldn't complain.
I shouldn't complain about this; a few hundred dollars to pay for material costs is nothing.
I should be more grateful and accepting that I had family, friends, and others, to help me along the way.
Right now, however, my mind is bogged down on the powerless and unmanageablity issues. I still don't have my license, but I did begin the research process to figure out how to go about that and what documents I need to fill out in order to complete the writ of mandate within the 94 days I have. I just have to make sure I dot every i and cross every t and do complete the procedure by the specified deadline. I've set my own personal timeline about 2 weeks before it is actually due, in an effort to light some fire under my ass.
I spent so many years, wasting my life. I know I'm only 25 but it is hard to not feel like I'm behind on everything. There are so many problems and deadlines still looming. "There's too much on my mind..."
So, I've got all that pending and up in the air. The loan is to be paid ASAP; the ticket is to be paid by 20 September; the writ of mandate by filed by October; in addition, I've got classes to worry about, and the issue of transportation and what not.
I hope to have most of these issues resolved soon enough, that I can be driving by January, if not sooner. It can be worked out and it can be solved.
The real issue now, however, is that the loans and tickets might be an issue. Because of the events leading up to the traffic ticket and the meltdown in April, I've got the unfortunate problem that I may not be able to pay anything online. I thought I had paid an online payment for my loan back in June, but I'm really not sure now. My bank card is blocked; I have no ATM access. The ticket should be easy enough, as I believe they prefer to be paid via cashier's check anyways, but that takes more time, more fees, more energy. But, again, I shouldn't complain --the point is, I have the money, and I've got over 30 days to complete that, so why worry? I can undoubtedly make it to the bank and send it out in the mail and have them receive it before then, so why worry?
I have the added frustration because today did not go as planned. I was supposed to get up at 5 (my new wake-up time for M-F, if not the whole week). I didn't do that. I broke a commitment to a friend, to have breakfast after the 7am meeting. I didn't actually wake up until 10am. I did my business, got ready, and was at the law library from about 11:20-12:50. I think I got enough of an idea on what I need to do, I just need to also figure out how to go about getting the pleading papers or whatever. I have a feeling this will be a good educational experience, a cautionary tale reminding me to actually take care of my mental health. But will I listen? Will I remember this the next time things spiral out of control? I sure hope so, I really do.
I went to therapy today. That went well enough, I suppose. Not too much time spent on therapeutic matters, actually, as much time was devoted to talks of education and spiritual and religious beliefs. Because this is the most structured schedule I've had in 8 years, I'm really freaking out, and actually not too surprised that I did sleep 5 hours more than I intended. I still view it as a disappointment, a minor setback.
After the library, I had lunch and coffee at a cafe and spent some time at the regular library. It felt nice, to be amongst the books and ideas. I really do love and value the public library system. I just worry about it so much.
And, of course, there are the worries and concerns of embarking on this teaching career path. It has been relatively calm and easy the last 2 weeks, as I haven't had to worry about evening classes yet. Even then, I only have 2 days of actual, regular, weekly class. The other classes meet only a few times per the semester; 2 of the classes actually only meet twice; one is simply 2 credits for being in the high school; and another course meets 8 times throughout. Of the two that meet every week, I'm actually only worried about the Wednesday night one, as it is in Stockton (further away than the Main Campus in Turlock, but to the North rather than to the South) and because it is so late --7 to 9pm. It'll get done, so I'm not too worried. It'll just be a pain, again, because of the transportation issue.
I've been so busy worrying about all of the above issues. I had a comment recently about how I shouldn't have to be setting hygiene goals, that they should just come naturally. I don't think it was realised that I've really spent 8 years avoiding responsibility, really only doing the bare minimum. I've spent those 8 years in active addiction, trying to kill myself --"sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly."
I'm having to start from scratch, really. I mean, true, I have the knowledge of Spanish, took 2 years in high school (one year was AP, and I scored a 5)and 2 courses at CSUS, but I don't know how to teach it. I don't know what is appropriate and what is not. My approach may be too academic, too high of an expectation for a lowly elective --and I've been told by numerous individuals that foreign languages really are the bottom rung of the educational hierarchy --even if they are a requirement for the CSU and UC schools. Very, very frustrating. I just don't know what to do, as the role of technology has increased. The site I'm at swears by technology; from what I've heard and seen, I'm not sure there is a class on campus that doesn't use power point at least once throughout the week. I've only had to make one power point my whole life, back in 7th grade --which was, incidentally, the last time I took a computer course. There's so much I don't know or don't understand. So, I have to conform to site standards, district standards, county and state and federal standards and face the reality that if I am to have a teaching job at this time next year, it might not be in the same city or county --I may end up relocating, or subbing or whatever.
I think I've gotten a lot done. I'm on the right track for now. I just get so frustrated and fed up. Again, I shouldn't complain; these are all, mostly, material costs which can be paid for and forgiven at some time or another.
I guess I'm just upset because they reflect deeper, structural problems. I don't always get to work on those issues. In fact, the way my schedule and transportation issues and schedule is, I'm realistically looking at not being able to make a meeting until either Saturday night or sometime Sunday. I can't make a meeting Monday, but I hope to get back into a semi-regular flow by Tuesday.
I've got some long and lonely days ahead of me. All penance for the sins and transgressions that became habit and routine and ritualized misconduct. I wish that I could take back the hurt I've caused people, but I'm not there yet. I'm just not ready for that step. But I've got to.
And just because I have all these obligations, doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't squeeze it in. I guess I'm fortunate enough that my social life imploded, as now I'm not as caught up in myself and can utilize all that time spent drunk or talking about nothing with friends can be devoted to service and what not.
I need to give back. I just hope it isn't too late.
I'm sorry this entry was so bitchy and self-centered. For what seems like the umpteenth time this week, if not this day, I feel myself tearing up, thinking about a lot of what I've done and where I've been. I think about the pain I've caused, and I just start crying. Sometimes, actually, the crying has been happy, as when I saw that Wild Flag will be playing in San Francisco in November, and how I might actually be able to squeeze that in, even though I really shouldn't --I should work on other things. It seems rather silly, to buy a 17 dollar concert ticket, when there's so much more that should be done.
I guess I need to prioritize and continue doing the right things for the right reasons. I've got to fight myself, if I'm to live.
My life is unmanageable, and I do need help.