All Things Change (Just Not Always For The Worst)
So much has happened since my last post I don't even know where to start.
Tyler went to camp for the week and I spent the majority of it being crazy busy but stressed and worried out ot my mind that I was going to be late. Techinically I should have gotten my period between Thursday and Saturday. But being the freak that I am I like to psych myself out and go into panic mode ten years before I have to.
So he got home on friday and I went to go visit all the boys. We ended up at Tylers because his parents were out of town. We drank. Everything was actually going really good, we didn't even fight the whole night long. Then it got time for bed.
Earlier in the month Tyler and I had a conversation about the number of people we've kissed. He said he was up to about 15-20. And while I know he was just doing it to get a reaction out of me, I couldn't help but feel a little bit jealous. I know it's in the past, but it still makes me feel a bit unsecure. Then he joked that I probably knew most of the girls and that even if I didn't anyone could figure it out over facebook. So when I went to Lina's I told her the story and we decided to write an actual list. We got quite a kick out of it. Tyler.. not so much. I think it hurt his feelings that I couldn't just let it be and move on. But he started it.
So anyways, we're lying in bed. Eric and Ian were sleeping in the office. And he starts being really cute. We actually had really good conversations about our relationship and how we felt and stuff. He told me he would trade all the kisses with the other girls for one kiss from me. I told him I was scared things were going to change once school started and he said he knew I was scared of that. But that he wasn't because he knew what he wanted and it didn't matter what anyone else said. It was that kind of feeling where your heart swells up and I felt like I was going to burst with happiness.
And then the drunkeness kicked in. I got really quiet and thought a lot about weither to tell him how I had stressed all week. He got scared because I wouldn't tell him and I think he thought that I was going to say I had cheated on him while he was away. So I dove right in and just told him. I knew I was ruining the moment, but I didn't want him to think it was anything like that. He took it surprizingly well. He said that the same thing happened with him and Victoria but that she had been over 6 days late and nothing had happened. He didn't seem that worried. It was comforting to finally have someone tell me that things were going to be okay, even if they weren't, it's still nice to hear.
He asked what I would do if I was, and I had an automatic answer. I spent a long time explaining to him that I was pro-choice, but after what happened with Chad and Kristen, I just see it as taking the easy way out. I don't think anyone should have to suffer because I made bad choices and wasn't smart. He, I guess, agreed for the most part.
Somehow we got on the topic of marriage. As a sidenote, people have constantly been bring up things like, 'well when you and Tyler get married...' and I usually just laugh it off. And to be completely honest, I have thought about it and I doubt that it would actually work out. First of all we are way too young to be considering that and I have big plans for my future and I don't want to miss out on other experiences. So, I (drunkenly) tried to explain to him that I really didn't see myself marring him. He took it as, 'I will never ever marry you for as long as I live'. The look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces. I have never seen him that upset before. There were tears involved and I honestly did not know what to do. I felt so helpless and like such a fuckup. Nothing I said made it better and there was nothing I wanted more than to go back and have not said that.
Eventually he got over it, and he reasoning was something along the lines of, I was really upset because you pretty much said our relationship was going no where and I didn't know what to think anymore. So I asked him if he loved me, and he said yes. Then I asked him if he wanted to be with me, and he said yes. And then he decided that was all he really needed to know for right now. And I agreed.
The next morning went .. kind of weird. Neither of us really wanted to bring up what had happened, but it was kind of like walking on eggshells. He was so grumpy all morning and I kept asking what was wrong and he said he was just tired. So, I, of course called Lina. She said to hang up and go talk to him. So I went and made him talk. He said he was stressed and I asked what about. And he said everything.
Earlier in the morning I was mildly relieved because I thought I had finally started my period. But it wasn't as much flow as usual so I wasn't sure and didn't want to say anything.
The poor baby was lying on the couch completely freaking out so I decided I would tell him I think we were going to be okay, that I thought I had gotten it. And he had the nerve to say ask why I hadn't told him in the morning! So I snapped back, YOU NEVER ASKED HOW I WAS! And pretty much ran away. He followed after me and was like, I thought you would have told me. Then walked away.
I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but I honestly feel like everytime he leaves the room now, it's hard to breathe. It's like it causes me physical pain to be away from him. And it makes me want to break down into tears. But I've already cried enough for a lifetime this summer, so I put on my brave face and kept up the packing.
He came back and found me pouting on the floor. He hugged me really hard. I whispered that I was sorry. I had just wanted to make sure before I said anything. He pulled me into bed and we cuddled. He said he was sorry for being grumpy all morning, that he had just been thinking a lot. I asked what about. And he, honest to god, looked me in the eye and said, "what we were going to name our baby". Just thinking back to it makes my heart break. He picked out names. Ben and Kayley. Ben Eric Connolly. Kayley Lina Connolly. I didn't know he could be so amazing.
And so that brings us to now. I still have no idea what's going on with me, or my mind, or my body. But I know for sure where my heart is.