Pros don't outweigh cons, and it's still win-win-lose-lose...

Dec 24, 2010 17:05

I haven't been here for a day and already, I'm longing for Baltimore. It's sad that I can no longer just relax while here; it's been over a year since I've seen my parents. So much has happened in that year, between buying a new car, the fallout with Shink, the situation with Hustla/Yeppo/Sausage, and now this romance with Fidget. Momma picked me up from the airport with my father, something she has never done since I started flying. I worried about how my father was driving, how on the new car, he tore off the driver's side mirror so it's only hanging by the electrical. I watched my parents walk into Golden Corral, his waddling with the bad knees, her in a black Christmas jacket and green pants. My parents have aged significantly, or more so I'm noticing than when I was last here. While in the restaurant, I looked at my mother's hand. She now has wrinkles on the inside of her right wrist, something I remember Gram having before she passed. Momma's concerned about Da-ee's driving and his weight, he's worried about her smoking. They're both gretsy and irritated and still funnier than sin.

I, on the other hand, want to go back to my life. I'm not amused by the warm weather or the strong Southern accents. I have no interest in consorting with rednecks. I have been wanting to escape every time they mention the move back. I don't want to move, and haven't wanted to for awhile. And while Fidget might have a minute part of that, it's mostly that I like my city, my apartment, my life. I have none of that here, and no interest in pursuing it.

I have a good life in Baltimore with my awesome little apartment, finally some support from the Starship, and a man who'll stay with me when I explode into hives. I hardly talk to the people from the valley mostly because my life has gotten too full. I'm thankful for it, but a lot changed in 2010. I finally feel at peace with myself and how I'm conducting my life. And I feel as though that's not welcome here.

Da-ee asked last night if Fidget and I were intimate, which I found hilarious, but answered him honestly. Apparently, this now means he and I can share a bed should we ever visit Florida, which makes no sense to me. Why can I share a bed with a man I'm actually sleeping with versus one whom I've never kissed? Makes no sense, but apparently my father wants me to know he's evolved or something, so good on him.

After the Valley trip, Fidget finally decided we were titled, so for the first time in fourteen years, I have a boyfriend. Writing that sentence made my hands twitch slightly. It's so odd to think I have a boyfriend, one actually titled and not just in it for the kicks. I've cleared out an end table for his clothes; his shirts are hanging with mine in the closet along with his ties. There's been a shift where we discuss what we were wearing when we went to Philly last weekend. I knew he had to get wine since I had made the cookies for my portion. We slept in the funhouse bed, him pulling me against him, burrito-ing me in for a night full of warm snoring.

I want both worlds. I want my parents to move North so I can have my life and my parents in the same state. I didn't think this would happen, where Baltimore would coalesce finally into something worth fighting for. When I left Shink, I knew I would have to rock and roll in Baltimore to get the best out of my last year. Instead, I made Baltimore mine. I moved into my apartment and decorated to make it feel like home. I learned more roads and alleys so I can navigate. I slept with the wrong people to finally have better stories. I started drinking in bars, too much in fact, but enough to meet awesome people. I finally got support from my job and made a damned good friend, all while potentially losing other friends due to work-related political bullshit. I found a man who's too critical and too analytical, but makes me laugh. Makes me feel beautiful. Makes me feel wanted. It's as if Baltimore finally wants me, versus living there during the week only to return to the valley on weekends.

I'm worried about my parents; their falling, their weight, how they move about the world. I see my mother's health declining quickly. She was always quick with a comment and a hand, and now that hand is wrinkled and moving slower than she perceives. My father hasn't changed much, save that his driving has gotten progressively worse. According to her, he's sleeping more now; I've never been able to notice since both of them still nap instead of sleep through the night.

I wonder if this will work; I wonder if they'll move for me. I got into a quasi-argument the other night about what would be different if I were to move to Florida. There's pros and cons to both arguments. It's a win-lose on both sides. I would be closer to my parents, but I would lose my support structure. If Baltimore was horrible to me, if I didn't have Fidget or MFNJ or Cookie!Pony, I could always go to the Valley, or Philly, or even Connecticut and still have a "home" to reside in. If Jacksonville goes south, I only have my parents. I very rarely talk to Dippy, and that's about all I have down here. I need them to move up; we're originally from Essex. Penny and Franny both still live up there. They know the area. Sure, it's colder, but dammit, it's more fun. It's more lively. And for the first time in my life (and correct me if I'm wrong), I feel happy and complete. Shink told me the other night it was because I made Baltimore my own. I wasn't sponging off of Trips to live, I wasn't having house parties to keep my friends close. Baltimore is on my own terms, and because of it, I'm more apt to want to keep it that way.

This trip is going to take a lot of me, and it already has. I need to watch myself when I reference Fidget, as apparently, it's making Momma nervous because she doesn't want to hear Da-ee go off about it. Then she references that car insurance stuff came in the mail for me to transfer Onyx's tags, and I just blew it off. I don't want to have this conversation, I don't want to have to hurt anyone. But I'm afraid I'll be miserable if I move here. Sure, I could go to school, but otherwise, I'll lose the support structure, my job, and possibly the man I could be growing to love (but let's not talk about that, 'kay?). I would be living on my parents' terms. I don't even know if Fidget were to move with me if I would still be happy; having him here would make it more bearable, but he's a city kid. I've turned into a city-ish kid. I think we'd be miserable in this giant, sprawling city...

... I don't want to have this conversation, but the bell tolls for me.

fl vacation 2010, family, florida, momma, maryland, da-ee, fidget

Previous post Next post
Up