I want my life back, kthnx...
I'm irritated with myself, and so glad he doesn't read LJ. I am horribly homesick for the first time in about a decade. I used to get antsy about getting back to the valley when I would be down here for a month at a time. I flew in on Thursday and by Friday afternoon, I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't want to be here. Truth be told, I still don't. While Northern friends are still cursing me since it's snowing up North and I'm in Florida (as it happens every time I fly South for some reason; I'm going to fly in July and see what happens then!), I'd prefer to be bundled up in my scrat and new coat. I want to be under a Sherpa on my couch, smoking cigarettes while my boyfriend waxes poetic and sarcastic on whatever we're watching as I lean against him. I want to cook in my kitchen; I want MFNJ to come down and yank food. I want Cookie!Pony to call me hollering about something from the Starship. I miss all that.
I was on the phone last night for almost two hours with Shink because of the conversation that's approaching. While I would have yelled at Fidget, his phone is dying and he won't be charged until sometime today. Though I spent a small amount of time talking with Trips, it was predominantly Shink and I hatching out the Biggest Conversation to Ever Conversate. I had a moment last night where my father looked at me and said, "You're not coming home."
He already knows, though I blew it off; sometimes, he's too perceptive for his own good.
My dreams have been haphazard. I woke up from one this morning of my parents in this house, Momma lying in bed with me talking about moving North. Somehow Chessie was in bed with me, though he died almost a decade ago. Da-ee came in and we discussed the move back to Maryland.
There's other things happening in this house that I don't have the energy to write. This house is one that eats, sleeps, and smokes, and I used to be a part of that. I don't know if it's Fidget or Baltimore in general, but even when I'm not doing something, I'm doing something. I sat awake after midnight and looked at my father and said, "This isn't my life. I don't need this shit; I really don't. I don't know if it's because I miss (Fidget). I don't know if it's because I miss Baltimore. But I do know it's because I miss my life. I shouldn't have to be on the phone for two hours with Shink because I'm bored out of my mind." He just blinked at me. He knows I'm unhappy.
I thought five days would not be enough. That I would want more time. But he's always sleeping. She's always feeling rough. And I'm sitting here awake since 1000 and they're both knocked out. I don't have friends down here; I can't really clean, cook, or assemble my office down here. The way the chairs are arranged, I'm facing my parents while they face me and the TV. This never used to be a problem before, but now I'm just smoking and trying to have a conversation until one of them falls asleep again.
Maybe I'm experiencing what my coworker calls a "lovebug." I don't want them to blame all of this on Fidget, because in actuality, it's not him. I postulated last night that even if I were to bring him with me to Florida, we'd still be miserable. Our lives are in the North. But I miss him. I went to Denver and missed him for two days; this Florida trip is nagging me. And he stated something about calling today, and originally I didn't think we were the couple to call daily, but maybe we're evolving, too. But Jesus, I miss him. The smell of him, his hand on my wrist, the laugh he makes when he's particularly tickled. I've woken up every morning (albeit in pain, stupid mattress) looking for him. I've created my own pillow fortress because I'm used to someone sleeping behind me. I've become THAT GIRL and it makes me want to stab my eyes out just a little. The giant king pillow, I woke up this morning with an arm thrown over it, thinking in my hazy sleep it was his back. What the hell happened to me? Did I used to do this with Shink? I honestly can't remember. I know I used to look for him when I was in unfamiliar territory, but then I realized he wasn't there and moved on with my day. I wake up in the morning now lonely. I'm actually lonely because of this sumabitch. We're entangled and entrapped and God, it's infuriating. I remember Carrie asking me when Beb and I broke up how I would sleep alone. I think I shrugged it off at that point, because it didn't really affect me. Once Beb and I moved in together, we frequently slept in our own beds because the twins were pushed next to each other.
Now, with Fidget, I'm used to him there. We used to see each other every seven to ten days; my bed wasn't used to him being in it. Since we've come back from the valley and before I came to Florida, we've slept alone twice. Slept in the same bed eleven out of thirteen days. The body starts to remember things.
Fidget and I in Philly the other weekend. They stuck a bow on my head and Fidget decided this was a photo opportunity, but he's slouching for whatever reason. I swear he's taller than me, not just because of the faux hawk.
I've become a sap because his smell is gone from my hair. It's not on my sheets. I can't see him here, which seems to make me somewhat panicky. It's like I was plucked out of our life, which in essence, I was, but dammit, when did I become that broad? I got a slew of text messages on Christmas about a possible NYE partay. I had stated I was staying in Baltimore and folks could come down. When folks couldn't come down, I decided to just spend it with Fidget, telling a good friend of mine that it wasn't worth coming down if it was just going to be the three of us. Now, Fidget and I've been invited to dinner with his parents, his sister, and brother-in-law, and then fireworks from the siblings' new home, then back to Catonsville. When I was asked about my own partay (which I was never having), I stated all this, and then realized I became that broad. Instead of getting drunk and bringing in the new year with friends, I wanted to go have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. When the hell did that switch happen? I can logically say it's because I want to meet them (!) before I meet 30 of them at a family reunion/holiday partay (!!!) but what? When did I become that chick?
Maybe it's the complements that get me. He complements me perfectly, where it's bringing out my Southern roots. I want to care for him, but he'll still do my dishes. I don't need to be barefoot and pregnant, but he appreciates it when I do our laundry. Just as I do when he takes out the trash.
I almost threw up in my mouth typing all that. I really need to get my computer up and running so I can update more than once a month and explode the sweetness all over this here webpage in smaller increments.
In short, this is how my vacation's going:
1.) Parents are in pain.
2.) Parents are sleeping a lot.
3.) Yelling at Shink while locked in my bedroom.
4.) Miss Fidget...
... I'm going to go gag myself now, kthnx.
I was on the phone last night for almost two hours with Shink because of the conversation that's approaching. While I would have yelled at Fidget, his phone is dying and he won't be charged until sometime today. Though I spent a small amount of time talking with Trips, it was predominantly Shink and I hatching out the Biggest Conversation to Ever Conversate. I had a moment last night where my father looked at me and said, "You're not coming home."
He already knows, though I blew it off; sometimes, he's too perceptive for his own good.
My dreams have been haphazard. I woke up from one this morning of my parents in this house, Momma lying in bed with me talking about moving North. Somehow Chessie was in bed with me, though he died almost a decade ago. Da-ee came in and we discussed the move back to Maryland.
There's other things happening in this house that I don't have the energy to write. This house is one that eats, sleeps, and smokes, and I used to be a part of that. I don't know if it's Fidget or Baltimore in general, but even when I'm not doing something, I'm doing something. I sat awake after midnight and looked at my father and said, "This isn't my life. I don't need this shit; I really don't. I don't know if it's because I miss (Fidget). I don't know if it's because I miss Baltimore. But I do know it's because I miss my life. I shouldn't have to be on the phone for two hours with Shink because I'm bored out of my mind." He just blinked at me. He knows I'm unhappy.
I thought five days would not be enough. That I would want more time. But he's always sleeping. She's always feeling rough. And I'm sitting here awake since 1000 and they're both knocked out. I don't have friends down here; I can't really clean, cook, or assemble my office down here. The way the chairs are arranged, I'm facing my parents while they face me and the TV. This never used to be a problem before, but now I'm just smoking and trying to have a conversation until one of them falls asleep again.
Maybe I'm experiencing what my coworker calls a "lovebug." I don't want them to blame all of this on Fidget, because in actuality, it's not him. I postulated last night that even if I were to bring him with me to Florida, we'd still be miserable. Our lives are in the North. But I miss him. I went to Denver and missed him for two days; this Florida trip is nagging me. And he stated something about calling today, and originally I didn't think we were the couple to call daily, but maybe we're evolving, too. But Jesus, I miss him. The smell of him, his hand on my wrist, the laugh he makes when he's particularly tickled. I've woken up every morning (albeit in pain, stupid mattress) looking for him. I've created my own pillow fortress because I'm used to someone sleeping behind me. I've become THAT GIRL and it makes me want to stab my eyes out just a little. The giant king pillow, I woke up this morning with an arm thrown over it, thinking in my hazy sleep it was his back. What the hell happened to me? Did I used to do this with Shink? I honestly can't remember. I know I used to look for him when I was in unfamiliar territory, but then I realized he wasn't there and moved on with my day. I wake up in the morning now lonely. I'm actually lonely because of this sumabitch. We're entangled and entrapped and God, it's infuriating. I remember Carrie asking me when Beb and I broke up how I would sleep alone. I think I shrugged it off at that point, because it didn't really affect me. Once Beb and I moved in together, we frequently slept in our own beds because the twins were pushed next to each other.
Now, with Fidget, I'm used to him there. We used to see each other every seven to ten days; my bed wasn't used to him being in it. Since we've come back from the valley and before I came to Florida, we've slept alone twice. Slept in the same bed eleven out of thirteen days. The body starts to remember things.
Fidget and I in Philly the other weekend. They stuck a bow on my head and Fidget decided this was a photo opportunity, but he's slouching for whatever reason. I swear he's taller than me, not just because of the faux hawk.
I've become a sap because his smell is gone from my hair. It's not on my sheets. I can't see him here, which seems to make me somewhat panicky. It's like I was plucked out of our life, which in essence, I was, but dammit, when did I become that broad? I got a slew of text messages on Christmas about a possible NYE partay. I had stated I was staying in Baltimore and folks could come down. When folks couldn't come down, I decided to just spend it with Fidget, telling a good friend of mine that it wasn't worth coming down if it was just going to be the three of us. Now, Fidget and I've been invited to dinner with his parents, his sister, and brother-in-law, and then fireworks from the siblings' new home, then back to Catonsville. When I was asked about my own partay (which I was never having), I stated all this, and then realized I became that broad. Instead of getting drunk and bringing in the new year with friends, I wanted to go have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. When the hell did that switch happen? I can logically say it's because I want to meet them (!) before I meet 30 of them at a family reunion/holiday partay (!!!) but what? When did I become that chick?
Maybe it's the complements that get me. He complements me perfectly, where it's bringing out my Southern roots. I want to care for him, but he'll still do my dishes. I don't need to be barefoot and pregnant, but he appreciates it when I do our laundry. Just as I do when he takes out the trash.
I almost threw up in my mouth typing all that. I really need to get my computer up and running so I can update more than once a month and explode the sweetness all over this here webpage in smaller increments.
In short, this is how my vacation's going:
1.) Parents are in pain.
2.) Parents are sleeping a lot.
3.) Yelling at Shink while locked in my bedroom.
4.) Miss Fidget...
... I'm going to go gag myself now, kthnx.