029. The Aftermath
Let's just say it's been about a day or two since the break up and I can safely say the tears did stop. I can say "we broke up" without tearing up and feeling like my heart was slowly being crushed. I wonder if he's the same. I doubt it though. I know he's still all torn up.
The first day, rather the morning after breaking up was the hardest. I could hardly sleep and tears just kept on falling and falling and falling. By the time I woke up I could hardly open my eyes, waking up was hard honestly. The first thing that entered my head the very moment I opened my eyes was, "It's really over." and it just kept going and going and I had to force myself to sleep, which was hard to do. The world seemed colder and there was no motivation to even get up and work or even do anything. It was odd, I felt empty. Waking up seemed so different, suddenly you feel like you're the only one out there. Perhaps it's because then the first thing you see is a message on your phone every morning where someone tells you "Good morning, take care. I love you!" and now you check your phone, you see nothing. You go to school knowing there won't be anyone there waiting or there won't be anyone there who'll meet up with you. Alone. It's very different. The security of always having someone's gone.
It's hard to get used to calling him by name when you've been calling him "Bi" (short for baby) for 3 long years and saying his name suddenly feels so odd, like it's not natural. You find yourself not being able to depend on people so comfortably, like if you don't have money at least you know someone's there to help shoulder, or if you can't go home. Now if you don't have money then you can't eat.
Yet here I am, looking unaffected, being able to laugh, smile and talk like it doesn't matter anymore. Probably others think I've moved on rather quickly, somehow I think I have but I know I can't ever be alone with myself. I can't be alone yet. It's still hard. I am affected. I am having a hard time. Seeing him all broken is hard and how he's not bound to give up right away but for you it's really over. People are surprised, family members are surprised. But things happen, no I didn't have a third party, I didn't get tired of him...It just disappeared.
It's still hard now, I still can't seem to work properly. I'm still exhausted and I still feel bad. But I'm coping. I have to. Slowly but surely.
The first day, rather the morning after breaking up was the hardest. I could hardly sleep and tears just kept on falling and falling and falling. By the time I woke up I could hardly open my eyes, waking up was hard honestly. The first thing that entered my head the very moment I opened my eyes was, "It's really over." and it just kept going and going and I had to force myself to sleep, which was hard to do. The world seemed colder and there was no motivation to even get up and work or even do anything. It was odd, I felt empty. Waking up seemed so different, suddenly you feel like you're the only one out there. Perhaps it's because then the first thing you see is a message on your phone every morning where someone tells you "Good morning, take care. I love you!" and now you check your phone, you see nothing. You go to school knowing there won't be anyone there waiting or there won't be anyone there who'll meet up with you. Alone. It's very different. The security of always having someone's gone.
It's hard to get used to calling him by name when you've been calling him "Bi" (short for baby) for 3 long years and saying his name suddenly feels so odd, like it's not natural. You find yourself not being able to depend on people so comfortably, like if you don't have money at least you know someone's there to help shoulder, or if you can't go home. Now if you don't have money then you can't eat.
Yet here I am, looking unaffected, being able to laugh, smile and talk like it doesn't matter anymore. Probably others think I've moved on rather quickly, somehow I think I have but I know I can't ever be alone with myself. I can't be alone yet. It's still hard. I am affected. I am having a hard time. Seeing him all broken is hard and how he's not bound to give up right away but for you it's really over. People are surprised, family members are surprised. But things happen, no I didn't have a third party, I didn't get tired of him...It just disappeared.
It's still hard now, I still can't seem to work properly. I'm still exhausted and I still feel bad. But I'm coping. I have to. Slowly but surely.