WART #64: Birthday Radio, with Remus and Sirius
((Backdated to after Sirius’s birthday party))
Sadly, the WART studio had gone unused for some time, the broadcasting equipment gathering dust as the students were too busy socializing, smexing, and, on occasion, studying, to play DJ.
But then, without warning, the door to the studio banged open, and two highly inebriated, but extremely manly, men stumbled in. A moment later, the radios around the school sprung to life.
Sirius: What is UP, Hogwarts? So…it’s m’birthday, and I’m celebrating it with my best mate Remus and all of you here today. So listen up, because we are going to play some music and you’re gonna like it! Yeah!
Remus: I would like the school to know that I have consumed every form of liquor known to man, and a few that aren't.
Sirius: So've I, and I am living to tell the tale. And it is a good one. Even though I drank fermented mare's milk.
Remus: You'll be able to tell your grandchildren about it. Oh, did you know there's a kind of liquor called Perry? Strangely, it's not incredibly bitter.
Sirius: Ha! No grandchildren for me! Unless I've got a long-lost cousin out there who's looking for a good shag, ha ha ha! And yeah, I think I tried the Perry. Bit fruity, wasn't it?
Remus: You said it, not me.
Sirius: Perry's delicious. And on that note, I'm going to play Digital Underground's Humpty Dance. *cracks up* Yeah, that note has nothing to do with anything. But it's still pretty cool, yeah?
Remus: And now, here's the classic 96 Tears by Question Mark and the Mysterians. You know, this bloke actually officially changed his name to Question Mark. I admire that for some reason.
Sirius: I think he's an idiot. That's a stupider name than some of the ones my great-great-aunts and uncles had. But his music is good, so I'll forgive him just this once. And - oh, right, okay, everyone in the school has to listen to this one, because it's a song about jumping, and who doesn't like to jump? So now, without further...you know, all that...I give you Kriss Kross' Jump!
Remus: Didn't one of those kids die tragically? He drank Coke and ate Pop Rocks.
Sirius: No, he died because he couldn't take out his wang for a wee. Trousers were on backwards. So he just died of ... what's it called, what's it called...uromysitisis?
Remus: Oh god, the tragedy. I must pause to wipe away a single crystalline emo tear. Play something else, Padfoot.
Sirius: Yes, on with the show! Our next number is absolutely brilliant. It's for all those people who are not manly like we are. Ladies and non-manly men, I present to you You'll Never Be a Man, by Elvis Costello! Your turn, Moony. Play us some funky music, white boy!
Remus: All right, this is a classic song called 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians. It also happens to be the only song I can play on the piano. Play some more Elvis Costello, Padfoot. I want to have his werewolf puppies.
Sirius: All right. Erm....let's see. Okay, this one's dedicated to all the Americans here at Hogwarts. It's Elvis Costello's American Without Tears. *cheers loudly and drunkenly* I love Americans. My mate Jim is an American!
Remus: I feel that as a proper British person, I should scorn and look down upon the non-tea-drinking people of the United States. So... go to hell, Americans. Well, some of you, anyway. The ones who don't drink tea.
Sirius: Jim drinks tea. As long as there's some other substance in it. *pauses* Oh! I'd like to dedicate a song to a very divine lady. Tonks, this is for you, my love! It's This Is the Night, by The Weird Sisters. I know she loves that band - and no, people, I am not Stubby Boardman, all right? *hiccups* So...Moony, would you like to play a song for your ladyfriend, too?
Remus: I haven't got anything suitable at the moment. I suppose I could recite some poetry or something... oh, never mind. I love you, Tonks. That's all I can say at the moment, because I really am incredibly drunk right now.
Sirius: I'm drunk, too! And I love Tonks, too! But not the way you do. Even though my family would approve. Except they wouldn't. ...yeah, I'm pretty drunk. Buuuuuut...speaking of lovely ladies, I've got a song to dedicate to the lovely Lily Evans. Wait, no, I've got two songs for her! The first one is I'm Too Sexy, by Right Said Fred. I'm too sexy for you, Lily! I'm too sexy for my broom! *long pause* Oh, right, the second song! It's I Am the Radiskull, by a band called Radiskull and Devil Doll. I hope you like it, Lily!
Remus: You're too sexy for everyone, Padfoot. You're even too sexy for me, and I have a very high sexiness tolerance.
Sirius: I'm too sexy for me! Which reminds me, you all need to hear this song: Deee-Lite's Groove Is in the Heart. Is groove in your heart, Moony?
Remus: I... I'm not sure. How can you tell?
Sirius: Maybe with one of those Muggle S-ray machines? Well, if you don't have groove in your heart, then maybe you have a monster in your pants? The B-52’s do. Here's Monster (In My Pants)!
Remus: I AM a monster, Padfoot. I am a monster who is wearing pants, and therefore there is a monster in my pants, and I'm not just happy to see you. Though if I were "going commando" as the Americans say, there would merely be a monster in my trousers.
Sirius: Which doesn't have the same ring to it.
Remus: Not really, no.
Sirius: But…on the brighter side...you could sing this song: I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today, by some group called Avenue Q!
Remus: Someone wrote a whole song about not wearing pants? My goodness, some people really have too much time on their hands.
Sirius: Well, it's quite short, actually. Just 30 seconds or so. But your point is well taken.
Remus: And speaking of which, here's another song for you - this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: Ooh, fine choice! I haven't heard that one in a long while. You're really banging out the hits tonight, Moony.
Remus: I know. It's the fermented mare's milk, it augments my mystical DJ powers. They're sort of like magical werewolf powers, but more... musical.
Sirius: But just as sexy, I assure you. In a manly way, of course.
Remus: Bloody hell, we're so manly that this whole room positively reeks of testosterone. If any women walked in here, they would instantly grow chest hair and have the urge to watch football and scratch their balls.
Sirius: And feel their boobs. If they still had boobs, that is. Hey, I've got a good idea! Let's play something completely random. Okay, people, I'm closing my eyes and choosing a song completely at random. And here it is: O-ZONE's Dragostea Din Tei. ...Wow, that was rubbish, Moony!
Remus: Am I really drunk or is that in another language? No, wait... don't tell me. The answer is "Yes."
Sirius: To both.
Remus: Exactly. Exactly, Padfoot.
Sirius: Right. I knew that. You know, it's the fermented mare's milk talking.
Remus: I think we need more fermented mare's milk, don't you? It's a manly drink.
Sirius: Because...it comes from breasts... ...erm.
Remus: I don't really like where your train of thought is heading, Padfoot. Play another song.
Sirius: Fine. Okay, more random choices. Let's see.... Oh, brilliant! I know this one! Gin and Juice! Or...wait, that wasn't Snoop Dogg. *looks on the album* The Gourds? That was...interesting…. Have you got a pocket full of rubbers like your homeboys?
Remus: Er... no?
Sirius: I've got one! Molly Weasley gave me a condom, and I'm going to add ribs to it!
Remus: I like ribs. The ones in my chest, and the ones which are barbequed, and those other ones, too. Ribs are useful for many things.
Sirius: Apparently, they're useful for fucking! Who knew?
Remus: Err... you didn't know? Maybe you will end up with grandchildren after all.
Sirius: Bloody hell, I don't think the world is ready for that. Oh, Moony! Guess what time it is!
Remus: Time for a new watch? The time of the season for loving? How to keep time in a bottle?
Sirius: Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean you're more funny. No, it's Ashlee Simpson time! Here's La La! Who doesn't love Ashlee Simpson?
Remus: You can't see this out there in radio land, but I've got both my hands in the air.
Sirius: Oh, Moony. *sigh* Your taste is highly questionable. Fine, you play something, then.
Remus: All right... err... I don't think I've played this one yet. This is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: I don't think I've heard that one before. Good stuff, Moony. I've got to admit, you've got good taste in music. Even if you don't like Ashlee Simpson. Or The Doors.
Remus: Oh, I'll admit it, Padfoot. The only reason I don't like the Doors is because I'm horribly jealous that Jim Morrison received the bounty of your sweet, sweet loving. I've been living a lie all this time, Padfoot. Will you ever forgive me?
Sirius: A-HA! I knew it! ...fine. But only because it's my birthday and I can do whatever the hell I want to. Even play a song about one of my favourite subjects and one of my least favourite subjects - balls and Divination, respectively. Here's Keane's Crystal Ball!
Remus: You do realize I was totally lying, right?
Sirius: You're a lying liar! *cracks up - and then there is the sound of someone falling on the floor and subsequently picking himself up* …I did not just fall.
Remus: I'm a dirty stinking rotten liar and I smell like dead bunnies. Are you all right?
Sirius: Yes. Because I did not fall. I do have one question for you, though.
Remus: I may or may not answer.
Sirius: Well, give it your best shot. My question is...are you down with OPP, Moony?
Remus: Merlin. I'm going to have to think about that one. What does it stand for - Octagonal Periodic Prats? Original Purple Peapods?
Sirius: Erm...I dunno. I can't understand what the bloke in the song says. But maybe someone out there knows. Here, listen for yourself. Here's Naughty By Nature's OPP.…Americans talk funny.
Remus: Now, are they naughty by nature or nurture? Generations of music critics will ponder the question.
Sirius: Or maybe they'll just ponder what that last P is. Because it's not that simple. …Hey Moony, guess what.
Remus: *very loudly* WHAT, PADFOOT???
Sirius: *even louder* IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Remus: MERLIN'S HAIRY TESTICLES, SO IT IS!!!
Sirius: Yes! Now, what song are you going to dedicate for me on my birthday?
Remus: Right, well... here's an oldie but goodie... this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the... hang on, haven't I played this already?
Sirius: Erm...no, I don't think so. Maybe you're having déjà vu?
Remus: I could have sworn... never mind. It's going to be my birthday in another three months. You should start shopping now.
Sirius: I've already got your present. It's...DEEZ NUTS! *cracks up*
Remus: *bewildered silence*
Sirius: You know...bollocks.
Remus: I've got bollocks. You've seen them.
Sirius: So I have! And you've seen mine!
Remus: Oh, golden school days. Play some Johnny Cash.
Sirius: Johnny Cash? C'mon, Moony, I know what you really want to hear.
Remus: Johnny Cash.
Sirius: No. Orgasm Addict! By the Buzzcocks!
Remus: It's your theme song!
Sirius: It's like I've got my own show on the Muggle telly! Which, by the way, I got for my birthday, so if you want to watch porn, come on over.
Remus: Gay porn?
Sirius: Oh, I don't discriminate. All porn.
Remus: I think I'll pass, thanks.
Sirius: I'm sure there's some good stuff with ladies and all that. And really, what bloke could resist boobs? I know I can't. Especially when I've got my own.
Remus: Play some bloody Johnny Cash, Padfoot, or there will be an insurrection.
Sirius: You're going to insurrect me? I've got to say, Moony, I'm not particularly scared of you. Also...the fermented mare's milk is not sitting too well in my stomach.
Remus: I have powers of which you know not. Err... you're not going to throw up, are you?
Sirius: *distressed burping noises* ...no. I think it's under control...for now. Maybe I need more alcohol!
Remus: Maybe you need a Pina Gogolada.
Sirius: ...oh, bollocks, now I really might be sick.
Remus: Durians are good for you. Delicious, fragrant durians - have one today!
Sirius: You have one, Moony. Uggggghhhhh...excuse me for a moment. *sounds of retching in the background* ...Tasty. Well. I feel much better. So...shall I play something to celebrate my having got rid of the mare's milk? It's in a pile back there, if you're interested.
Remus: Sorry.
Sirius: Oh, it's quite all right. It tasted better coming up, oddly enough.
Remus: Oh Merlin, now I think I'm going to be sick. Look, can you get rid of the vomit at least?
Sirius: Well, if you're going to puke, why don't you do it on mine, so that we have to use only one Scourgify spell? Efficiency, mate!
Remus: Do you have any more songs to play?
Sirius: Yes, indeed I do! Are you ready for it? Here we go. This one's a classic: Young MC's Bust a Move. Are you busting a move, Moony?
Remus: I don't think I could bust a move even if I found one in my pants.
Sirius: There wouldn't be much room for that, would there? I mean, you've already got a monster lurking somewhere in there.
Remus: I am a monster, you prat. What part of "werewolf" don't you understand?
Sirius: Well. I don't find you particularly scary.
Remus: No, I'm really a failure as a monster.
Sirius: Yeah. Next time, maybe you should act more threatening. Or...I dunno, stop showering for a while. Poor hygiene can be pretty monstrous. Just ask Evans. …Bollocks - I don't mean to say she's got poor hygiene! I was talking about myself!
Remus: Lily, please Floo in with detailed information about your hygiene. The world wants to know. Thank you.
Sirius: Speaking of Flooing in, ...everyone, Floo in and talk to us! Because we are drunk! I'll make sure to Scourgify the vomit first.
Remus: And now, one last song...
Sirius: What is it? I'm on pins and needles!
Remus: This is one of my favorites - this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I don't know how you do it, Moony, but...you do it.
Remus: Everyone Floo in and wish Sirius a happy 90th birthday!
Sirius: And tell Remus that he's a lying liar and a - *sound of someone falling again* Right. Happy birthday to me!
Sadly, the WART studio had gone unused for some time, the broadcasting equipment gathering dust as the students were too busy socializing, smexing, and, on occasion, studying, to play DJ.
But then, without warning, the door to the studio banged open, and two highly inebriated, but extremely manly, men stumbled in. A moment later, the radios around the school sprung to life.
Sirius: What is UP, Hogwarts? So…it’s m’birthday, and I’m celebrating it with my best mate Remus and all of you here today. So listen up, because we are going to play some music and you’re gonna like it! Yeah!
Remus: I would like the school to know that I have consumed every form of liquor known to man, and a few that aren't.
Sirius: So've I, and I am living to tell the tale. And it is a good one. Even though I drank fermented mare's milk.
Remus: You'll be able to tell your grandchildren about it. Oh, did you know there's a kind of liquor called Perry? Strangely, it's not incredibly bitter.
Sirius: Ha! No grandchildren for me! Unless I've got a long-lost cousin out there who's looking for a good shag, ha ha ha! And yeah, I think I tried the Perry. Bit fruity, wasn't it?
Remus: You said it, not me.
Sirius: Perry's delicious. And on that note, I'm going to play Digital Underground's Humpty Dance. *cracks up* Yeah, that note has nothing to do with anything. But it's still pretty cool, yeah?
Remus: And now, here's the classic 96 Tears by Question Mark and the Mysterians. You know, this bloke actually officially changed his name to Question Mark. I admire that for some reason.
Sirius: I think he's an idiot. That's a stupider name than some of the ones my great-great-aunts and uncles had. But his music is good, so I'll forgive him just this once. And - oh, right, okay, everyone in the school has to listen to this one, because it's a song about jumping, and who doesn't like to jump? So now, without further...you know, all that...I give you Kriss Kross' Jump!
Remus: Didn't one of those kids die tragically? He drank Coke and ate Pop Rocks.
Sirius: No, he died because he couldn't take out his wang for a wee. Trousers were on backwards. So he just died of ... what's it called, what's it called...uromysitisis?
Remus: Oh god, the tragedy. I must pause to wipe away a single crystalline emo tear. Play something else, Padfoot.
Sirius: Yes, on with the show! Our next number is absolutely brilliant. It's for all those people who are not manly like we are. Ladies and non-manly men, I present to you You'll Never Be a Man, by Elvis Costello! Your turn, Moony. Play us some funky music, white boy!
Remus: All right, this is a classic song called 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians. It also happens to be the only song I can play on the piano. Play some more Elvis Costello, Padfoot. I want to have his werewolf puppies.
Sirius: All right. Erm....let's see. Okay, this one's dedicated to all the Americans here at Hogwarts. It's Elvis Costello's American Without Tears. *cheers loudly and drunkenly* I love Americans. My mate Jim is an American!
Remus: I feel that as a proper British person, I should scorn and look down upon the non-tea-drinking people of the United States. So... go to hell, Americans. Well, some of you, anyway. The ones who don't drink tea.
Sirius: Jim drinks tea. As long as there's some other substance in it. *pauses* Oh! I'd like to dedicate a song to a very divine lady. Tonks, this is for you, my love! It's This Is the Night, by The Weird Sisters. I know she loves that band - and no, people, I am not Stubby Boardman, all right? *hiccups* So...Moony, would you like to play a song for your ladyfriend, too?
Remus: I haven't got anything suitable at the moment. I suppose I could recite some poetry or something... oh, never mind. I love you, Tonks. That's all I can say at the moment, because I really am incredibly drunk right now.
Sirius: I'm drunk, too! And I love Tonks, too! But not the way you do. Even though my family would approve. Except they wouldn't. ...yeah, I'm pretty drunk. Buuuuuut...speaking of lovely ladies, I've got a song to dedicate to the lovely Lily Evans. Wait, no, I've got two songs for her! The first one is I'm Too Sexy, by Right Said Fred. I'm too sexy for you, Lily! I'm too sexy for my broom! *long pause* Oh, right, the second song! It's I Am the Radiskull, by a band called Radiskull and Devil Doll. I hope you like it, Lily!
Remus: You're too sexy for everyone, Padfoot. You're even too sexy for me, and I have a very high sexiness tolerance.
Sirius: I'm too sexy for me! Which reminds me, you all need to hear this song: Deee-Lite's Groove Is in the Heart. Is groove in your heart, Moony?
Remus: I... I'm not sure. How can you tell?
Sirius: Maybe with one of those Muggle S-ray machines? Well, if you don't have groove in your heart, then maybe you have a monster in your pants? The B-52’s do. Here's Monster (In My Pants)!
Remus: I AM a monster, Padfoot. I am a monster who is wearing pants, and therefore there is a monster in my pants, and I'm not just happy to see you. Though if I were "going commando" as the Americans say, there would merely be a monster in my trousers.
Sirius: Which doesn't have the same ring to it.
Remus: Not really, no.
Sirius: But…on the brighter side...you could sing this song: I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today, by some group called Avenue Q!
Remus: Someone wrote a whole song about not wearing pants? My goodness, some people really have too much time on their hands.
Sirius: Well, it's quite short, actually. Just 30 seconds or so. But your point is well taken.
Remus: And speaking of which, here's another song for you - this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: Ooh, fine choice! I haven't heard that one in a long while. You're really banging out the hits tonight, Moony.
Remus: I know. It's the fermented mare's milk, it augments my mystical DJ powers. They're sort of like magical werewolf powers, but more... musical.
Sirius: But just as sexy, I assure you. In a manly way, of course.
Remus: Bloody hell, we're so manly that this whole room positively reeks of testosterone. If any women walked in here, they would instantly grow chest hair and have the urge to watch football and scratch their balls.
Sirius: And feel their boobs. If they still had boobs, that is. Hey, I've got a good idea! Let's play something completely random. Okay, people, I'm closing my eyes and choosing a song completely at random. And here it is: O-ZONE's Dragostea Din Tei. ...Wow, that was rubbish, Moony!
Remus: Am I really drunk or is that in another language? No, wait... don't tell me. The answer is "Yes."
Sirius: To both.
Remus: Exactly. Exactly, Padfoot.
Sirius: Right. I knew that. You know, it's the fermented mare's milk talking.
Remus: I think we need more fermented mare's milk, don't you? It's a manly drink.
Sirius: Because...it comes from breasts... ...erm.
Remus: I don't really like where your train of thought is heading, Padfoot. Play another song.
Sirius: Fine. Okay, more random choices. Let's see.... Oh, brilliant! I know this one! Gin and Juice! Or...wait, that wasn't Snoop Dogg. *looks on the album* The Gourds? That was...interesting…. Have you got a pocket full of rubbers like your homeboys?
Remus: Er... no?
Sirius: I've got one! Molly Weasley gave me a condom, and I'm going to add ribs to it!
Remus: I like ribs. The ones in my chest, and the ones which are barbequed, and those other ones, too. Ribs are useful for many things.
Sirius: Apparently, they're useful for fucking! Who knew?
Remus: Err... you didn't know? Maybe you will end up with grandchildren after all.
Sirius: Bloody hell, I don't think the world is ready for that. Oh, Moony! Guess what time it is!
Remus: Time for a new watch? The time of the season for loving? How to keep time in a bottle?
Sirius: Just because I'm drunk doesn't mean you're more funny. No, it's Ashlee Simpson time! Here's La La! Who doesn't love Ashlee Simpson?
Remus: You can't see this out there in radio land, but I've got both my hands in the air.
Sirius: Oh, Moony. *sigh* Your taste is highly questionable. Fine, you play something, then.
Remus: All right... err... I don't think I've played this one yet. This is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: I don't think I've heard that one before. Good stuff, Moony. I've got to admit, you've got good taste in music. Even if you don't like Ashlee Simpson. Or The Doors.
Remus: Oh, I'll admit it, Padfoot. The only reason I don't like the Doors is because I'm horribly jealous that Jim Morrison received the bounty of your sweet, sweet loving. I've been living a lie all this time, Padfoot. Will you ever forgive me?
Sirius: A-HA! I knew it! ...fine. But only because it's my birthday and I can do whatever the hell I want to. Even play a song about one of my favourite subjects and one of my least favourite subjects - balls and Divination, respectively. Here's Keane's Crystal Ball!
Remus: You do realize I was totally lying, right?
Sirius: You're a lying liar! *cracks up - and then there is the sound of someone falling on the floor and subsequently picking himself up* …I did not just fall.
Remus: I'm a dirty stinking rotten liar and I smell like dead bunnies. Are you all right?
Sirius: Yes. Because I did not fall. I do have one question for you, though.
Remus: I may or may not answer.
Sirius: Well, give it your best shot. My question is...are you down with OPP, Moony?
Remus: Merlin. I'm going to have to think about that one. What does it stand for - Octagonal Periodic Prats? Original Purple Peapods?
Sirius: Erm...I dunno. I can't understand what the bloke in the song says. But maybe someone out there knows. Here, listen for yourself. Here's Naughty By Nature's OPP.…Americans talk funny.
Remus: Now, are they naughty by nature or nurture? Generations of music critics will ponder the question.
Sirius: Or maybe they'll just ponder what that last P is. Because it's not that simple. …Hey Moony, guess what.
Remus: *very loudly* WHAT, PADFOOT???
Sirius: *even louder* IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Remus: MERLIN'S HAIRY TESTICLES, SO IT IS!!!
Sirius: Yes! Now, what song are you going to dedicate for me on my birthday?
Remus: Right, well... here's an oldie but goodie... this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the... hang on, haven't I played this already?
Sirius: Erm...no, I don't think so. Maybe you're having déjà vu?
Remus: I could have sworn... never mind. It's going to be my birthday in another three months. You should start shopping now.
Sirius: I've already got your present. It's...DEEZ NUTS! *cracks up*
Remus: *bewildered silence*
Sirius: You know...bollocks.
Remus: I've got bollocks. You've seen them.
Sirius: So I have! And you've seen mine!
Remus: Oh, golden school days. Play some Johnny Cash.
Sirius: Johnny Cash? C'mon, Moony, I know what you really want to hear.
Remus: Johnny Cash.
Sirius: No. Orgasm Addict! By the Buzzcocks!
Remus: It's your theme song!
Sirius: It's like I've got my own show on the Muggle telly! Which, by the way, I got for my birthday, so if you want to watch porn, come on over.
Remus: Gay porn?
Sirius: Oh, I don't discriminate. All porn.
Remus: I think I'll pass, thanks.
Sirius: I'm sure there's some good stuff with ladies and all that. And really, what bloke could resist boobs? I know I can't. Especially when I've got my own.
Remus: Play some bloody Johnny Cash, Padfoot, or there will be an insurrection.
Sirius: You're going to insurrect me? I've got to say, Moony, I'm not particularly scared of you. Also...the fermented mare's milk is not sitting too well in my stomach.
Remus: I have powers of which you know not. Err... you're not going to throw up, are you?
Sirius: *distressed burping noises* ...no. I think it's under control...for now. Maybe I need more alcohol!
Remus: Maybe you need a Pina Gogolada.
Sirius: ...oh, bollocks, now I really might be sick.
Remus: Durians are good for you. Delicious, fragrant durians - have one today!
Sirius: You have one, Moony. Uggggghhhhh...excuse me for a moment. *sounds of retching in the background* ...Tasty. Well. I feel much better. So...shall I play something to celebrate my having got rid of the mare's milk? It's in a pile back there, if you're interested.
Remus: Sorry.
Sirius: Oh, it's quite all right. It tasted better coming up, oddly enough.
Remus: Oh Merlin, now I think I'm going to be sick. Look, can you get rid of the vomit at least?
Sirius: Well, if you're going to puke, why don't you do it on mine, so that we have to use only one Scourgify spell? Efficiency, mate!
Remus: Do you have any more songs to play?
Sirius: Yes, indeed I do! Are you ready for it? Here we go. This one's a classic: Young MC's Bust a Move. Are you busting a move, Moony?
Remus: I don't think I could bust a move even if I found one in my pants.
Sirius: There wouldn't be much room for that, would there? I mean, you've already got a monster lurking somewhere in there.
Remus: I am a monster, you prat. What part of "werewolf" don't you understand?
Sirius: Well. I don't find you particularly scary.
Remus: No, I'm really a failure as a monster.
Sirius: Yeah. Next time, maybe you should act more threatening. Or...I dunno, stop showering for a while. Poor hygiene can be pretty monstrous. Just ask Evans. …Bollocks - I don't mean to say she's got poor hygiene! I was talking about myself!
Remus: Lily, please Floo in with detailed information about your hygiene. The world wants to know. Thank you.
Sirius: Speaking of Flooing in, ...everyone, Floo in and talk to us! Because we are drunk! I'll make sure to Scourgify the vomit first.
Remus: And now, one last song...
Sirius: What is it? I'm on pins and needles!
Remus: This is one of my favorites - this is 96 Tears, by Question Mark and the Mysterians.
Sirius: Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I don't know how you do it, Moony, but...you do it.
Remus: Everyone Floo in and wish Sirius a happy 90th birthday!
Sirius: And tell Remus that he's a lying liar and a - *sound of someone falling again* Right. Happy birthday to me!