( How, actually, do I handle this day-to-day? )

( 6am and my heart hurts )

( It's beginning to settle out. )

I'm not writing a eulogy yet.

I'm not writing an end to the parts of me sad and lonely and wanting either.

I'm murmuring the first four lines of Li-Young Lee's This Room and Everything In It in my mind.

I'm remembering three touches, the first three touches, under a table: an accidental brush-and-recoil, a reassurance, a welcome.

I'm remembering ( Read more... )

Spent a lot of the weekend with Tucker. Around and around and around and the story will always be: we're good when we're together, we can't really sort out the stuff outside that. We can't agree on a set of commitments we can both put our backs into.

I've always bent heaven and earth to make things I want, happen. Over time I've learned that bending ( Read more... )

I'm making more soap.

The last soap I made had sugar in it for extra suds, sunflower seed oil to make it more nourishing/moisturizing and to make it spoil faster (it felt right), salt in it to harden the bar, and both kinds of grit. Plus it had every scent to make me feel nourished: roses and joint soothing and benzoin to remind me of Tucker and fir ( Read more... )

( 4am relationship angst is all the same )

I guess it's time to pull out Rising Appalachia's Long Haul. Maybe put it on repeat for awhile until I'm tired of it and can return my focus to myself.

I'm putting this heartbreak beside me/It's played its role/It's taken its toll

A common part of being autistic is doing something neurotypical people do but harder -- well, lots of things really -- ( Read more... )

It looks like he'll always do the thing and tell me after.

What does the connecting look like going forward, knowing that?

It snowed yesterday in the bush.

Tucker might buy a condo this weekend in the one place I can't live.

I made soap last night, and put up 6kg of turnips to pickle. I put in the traditional beets so they turn bright pink.

This morning there is snow on the ground outside again.

It took me three or four years to bond with this land.

I don't know what my ( Read more... )