Long Haul
I guess it's time to pull out Rising Appalachia's Long Haul. Maybe put it on repeat for awhile until I'm tired of it and can return my focus to myself.
I'm putting this heartbreak beside me/It's played its role/It's taken its toll
A common part of being autistic is doing something neurotypical people do but harder -- well, lots of things really -- but one of those things is stimming. Stimming is basically just doing a thing because the sensation it produces is required in some way. It's not limited to the standard however many senses: rocking or swinging is proprioceptive stimming, viewing patterns or colours is as much a stim as self-harm with a wall or knife or stroking or picking at the fold of fabric on your pants, or it could be argued thinking about the patterning of a system is stimming.
Some stims will work for some people and be unpleasant or neutral for others. I'd think this goes without saying but maybe it doesn't. It can definitely be mystifying as to how someone else can meet their needs through some of these behaviours, much as it can be difficult to communicate to someone else how much peace they can bring me.
So what do I mean, doing it but harder? Autistic folks don't seem to emotionally regulate the same as NT folks. That doesn't mean we can't regulate, though. It means we don't do it the same, and our regulation methods can often be either dismissed as quirks or stigmatized as anything from childlike to awkward to traumatizing to annoying. It's pretty common for autistic kids to use their stims when they're going into emotional dysregulation, and it has until recently and often still is common to try and train them out of doing these things at all, or at least in public (and may I say, public is the most dysregulating environment?). NT folks are like, have a nice bubble bath and you'll be less stressed. Autistic folks are like, have the exact right bath at the right temperature and scent and avoid toppling into the abyss, or maybe climb back out of it a bit. And weird stimming is part of the dignosis for autism so folks can do dominant culture stims (chewing nails, twirling hair, tapping a pen) and sometimes escape diagnosis except that they seem pretty intense about it and eat their nails ot the quick or pull out half their hair. Or folks can have the really functional stims trained out of them and redirect into more acceptable but less fulfilling ones.
Long digression. Where I was going was: I remember that to be in my body and handle heavy emotion I need to find the things that bring me peace. I'm a proprioceptive, audio/textual, and tactile stimmer. A song on repeat: listening or singing over and over, dancing until my body runs along the music as if it were rails under a train, that's how I climb into this tidal wave of grief without losing myself. Touch is another way out of this but its nearing lack of availability kind of is the problem. Besides, the internet is full of too many dicks and not enough people and my locale is full of too many people and not enough sparks. Some flavours work for me: complex fermented flavours that can corrall my whole brain into paying attention are remarkably effective. I should pick up a rocking chair, I know that will help. And poetry... well. I'm not yet ready to go there. That's the big guns.
Thanks for all the things you never said, dear/For avoiding surrender/For playing it safe...
Bring me a shovel when you're ready/To clean up the mess and close the lesson...
And I'm taking myself on vacation/Away from your eyes/Give me back what is mine.
I'm putting this heartbreak beside me/It's played its role/It's taken its toll
A common part of being autistic is doing something neurotypical people do but harder -- well, lots of things really -- but one of those things is stimming. Stimming is basically just doing a thing because the sensation it produces is required in some way. It's not limited to the standard however many senses: rocking or swinging is proprioceptive stimming, viewing patterns or colours is as much a stim as self-harm with a wall or knife or stroking or picking at the fold of fabric on your pants, or it could be argued thinking about the patterning of a system is stimming.
Some stims will work for some people and be unpleasant or neutral for others. I'd think this goes without saying but maybe it doesn't. It can definitely be mystifying as to how someone else can meet their needs through some of these behaviours, much as it can be difficult to communicate to someone else how much peace they can bring me.
So what do I mean, doing it but harder? Autistic folks don't seem to emotionally regulate the same as NT folks. That doesn't mean we can't regulate, though. It means we don't do it the same, and our regulation methods can often be either dismissed as quirks or stigmatized as anything from childlike to awkward to traumatizing to annoying. It's pretty common for autistic kids to use their stims when they're going into emotional dysregulation, and it has until recently and often still is common to try and train them out of doing these things at all, or at least in public (and may I say, public is the most dysregulating environment?). NT folks are like, have a nice bubble bath and you'll be less stressed. Autistic folks are like, have the exact right bath at the right temperature and scent and avoid toppling into the abyss, or maybe climb back out of it a bit. And weird stimming is part of the dignosis for autism so folks can do dominant culture stims (chewing nails, twirling hair, tapping a pen) and sometimes escape diagnosis except that they seem pretty intense about it and eat their nails ot the quick or pull out half their hair. Or folks can have the really functional stims trained out of them and redirect into more acceptable but less fulfilling ones.
Long digression. Where I was going was: I remember that to be in my body and handle heavy emotion I need to find the things that bring me peace. I'm a proprioceptive, audio/textual, and tactile stimmer. A song on repeat: listening or singing over and over, dancing until my body runs along the music as if it were rails under a train, that's how I climb into this tidal wave of grief without losing myself. Touch is another way out of this but its nearing lack of availability kind of is the problem. Besides, the internet is full of too many dicks and not enough people and my locale is full of too many people and not enough sparks. Some flavours work for me: complex fermented flavours that can corrall my whole brain into paying attention are remarkably effective. I should pick up a rocking chair, I know that will help. And poetry... well. I'm not yet ready to go there. That's the big guns.
Thanks for all the things you never said, dear/For avoiding surrender/For playing it safe...
Bring me a shovel when you're ready/To clean up the mess and close the lesson...
And I'm taking myself on vacation/Away from your eyes/Give me back what is mine.