( 6am and my heart hurts )

( Bitterness, jealousy, and a reminder )

The butcher came yesterday. He slaughtered five pigs, one of which was a foundation herd sow Rapunzel, another of which was Friendly, and then three littler ones. When he came originally a couple months ago the pigs were mostly smaller; I hadn't considered that the delay in finishing the job would result in a lot more meat.

Well, it did.

I was ( Read more... )

I made my first okcupid profile the first night I left Kynnin. Kynnin was my first big love, the first person I really talked to. I sat up all night in a basement suite with my friend/new roommate answering questions about how I wanted my relationships to be.

In that profile I put this poem, and reading it feel as if I've come full circle. This is ( Read more... )

Tonight I'm thinking about the end of my relationship with Michael.

We had written to each other, back and forth. We had spiral-bound notebooks and I'd write in one and give it to him, then he'd write and give it to me. I don't remember how many notebooks it was. Over time he wrote less and less.

When it was over I wrote so much. What I wrote then ( Read more... )

Talked to the trauma counselor I got through the work line today. Every counseling thing through the work line is very goal-focused. We're supposed to set our goals. There's the usual stuff about how to ground out of distress.

Thing is, I think there's a more intellectual/philosophical issue going on. I think I'm bumping up against "lacks ( Read more... )

Abuse is such a solitary experience. It doesn't exist if there's trust in people in the world around you to help, to make things better. You only stay if you know you're otherwise alone.

I'm used to carrying that early feeling of aloneness. I'm used to reaching out to connect anyways. I'm used to that part of myself, to those experiences, being a ( Read more... )

My heart is wide open today.

I love everything, I can feel myself fully, and everything hurts.

These things always go together for me. I understand maybe they don't for most other folks.

I looked at a job posting on Haida Gwaii. I want to live in those places, in the edges of people where humans don't live in such overwhelming force that this flawed ( Read more... )

This was a good but challenging two weeks at work. One of the real learning curves of this career change was managing contractors; not folks-helping-for-a-day-or-two but: setting up contracts, selecting contractors or using contractors mandated by the company or by a previous bid process, doing QA on work in areas I may rarely or never get to see ( Read more... )

When a dead plant has sat on the windowsill for a couple months, that's me.

When sun streams over the snow, reflecting off wall and south slope alike until it's almost too warm for long sleeves in January, that's me.

When there's much more clover than grass and the scent comes in through the windows, that's me.

When the boards are rotting off the old ( Read more... )