Inconvenience, codependence, and how decisions are made
The point of a counselor is for someone to ask me questions that are too scary or shaky for me to think of asking myself. Last week it was, "what does it say about you if you don't give people second chances/collaborate/work with them after they've done something wrong"?
And there's history and background here. I'm an abuse survivor. There's a very real way in which I consider that if I ever get in an abusive situation again it's my fault, because I know what it looks like and I should know better. At work, there are legal standards our work needs to meet. So in both interpersonal and work relationships there is a part of me that wants to hold a strong line, that wants to say "if you fuck up there should be big consequences." I have a lot of bend for someone who independently figures out they fucked up and brings it to me; I get sketched out when I discover issues on my own and bring them forward more than once.
On the other hand, I've done abusive behaviours because I was scared of losing folks and didn't know how to handle that well. I've been new and learning, or had really bad days and done bad work with ridiculous errors. I'm only where I am now because people extended me lots of latitude, lots of love, and lots of teaching. I believe the best of everyone. And most folks say that relationships require compromise.
So I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to shut down relationships where there's a repeating pattern of bad stuff happening. But I want to be *in* relationships, not be too much of a hard-ass to be around folks who are kind and accepting of others' humanity.
And so what does it say about me if I don't work with people, or give second chances? It means I, myself, don't deserve a second chance. It means that I don't deserve basic human consideration and kindness. I don't deserve people bending for me.
And I'm not well-calibrated as to what a good line is, about how much I should accommodate people. Writing that, I see that if things are harming me I should not accommodate. My fingers feel literally heavy as I write that. I...
...think that on some level I object to protecting myself from harm in functioning relationships. I feel like if I am polite and respectful and caring, then people should be so to me, and there should be no harm. There shouldn't be a need to protect myself all the time, or even in spikes when it pops up. I should select relationships that don't harm me, and then I should inhabit those and be safe. So I try to accommodate other people's needs as a way of protecting myself, as a way of saying "hey, if you don't need anything more from me you have no reason to harm me."
And of course as I write this I know that's not how boundaries work. Regardless of what I do or how I behave, if my boundaries are expressed they should be respected. Otherwise that's the logic that people can be asking for it to be raped. Otherwise that's saying that people who are abused deserve it for their behaviour. It's not true.
The bigger part,maybe, is figuring out how to determine my boundaries.
And there's history and background here. I'm an abuse survivor. There's a very real way in which I consider that if I ever get in an abusive situation again it's my fault, because I know what it looks like and I should know better. At work, there are legal standards our work needs to meet. So in both interpersonal and work relationships there is a part of me that wants to hold a strong line, that wants to say "if you fuck up there should be big consequences." I have a lot of bend for someone who independently figures out they fucked up and brings it to me; I get sketched out when I discover issues on my own and bring them forward more than once.
On the other hand, I've done abusive behaviours because I was scared of losing folks and didn't know how to handle that well. I've been new and learning, or had really bad days and done bad work with ridiculous errors. I'm only where I am now because people extended me lots of latitude, lots of love, and lots of teaching. I believe the best of everyone. And most folks say that relationships require compromise.
So I don't want to be taken advantage of. I want to shut down relationships where there's a repeating pattern of bad stuff happening. But I want to be *in* relationships, not be too much of a hard-ass to be around folks who are kind and accepting of others' humanity.
And so what does it say about me if I don't work with people, or give second chances? It means I, myself, don't deserve a second chance. It means that I don't deserve basic human consideration and kindness. I don't deserve people bending for me.
And I'm not well-calibrated as to what a good line is, about how much I should accommodate people. Writing that, I see that if things are harming me I should not accommodate. My fingers feel literally heavy as I write that. I...
...think that on some level I object to protecting myself from harm in functioning relationships. I feel like if I am polite and respectful and caring, then people should be so to me, and there should be no harm. There shouldn't be a need to protect myself all the time, or even in spikes when it pops up. I should select relationships that don't harm me, and then I should inhabit those and be safe. So I try to accommodate other people's needs as a way of protecting myself, as a way of saying "hey, if you don't need anything more from me you have no reason to harm me."
And of course as I write this I know that's not how boundaries work. Regardless of what I do or how I behave, if my boundaries are expressed they should be respected. Otherwise that's the logic that people can be asking for it to be raped. Otherwise that's saying that people who are abused deserve it for their behaviour. It's not true.
The bigger part,maybe, is figuring out how to determine my boundaries.