Well Fuck
Had relationship discussion and agreement around including me in planning big things/escalations where possible. Planned a week-long first visit without telling me until basically he was in the buying plane tickets stage of finalizing plans. Asked him a couple times about plans during the time he was making these plans with the other person and he said there were none, thereby deliberately lying to me.
When it came out he said there hadn't been time since he started making plans to tell me. Later it turns out the plans had been in the works for awhile. Another lie.
Later it turns out the plans were for a longer time than he told me they were going to be when it came up too, so he not only avoided telling me about it and then lied when I asked, but lied to minimize the extent of the lies.
Turns out he was going up to do kink stuff based on rules-lawyering an agreement without running it by me too. Currently he seems pretty ready to stand by "don't do kink with her by text until we have time to talk about our own kink dynamic [if you want to continue to engage in kink with me ] and I'm more comfortable generally with one-offs than an ongoing dynamic" meaning "I'm ok if you go up in person and do kink stuff with her for a week."
And... it's part of a pattern of late communication and general lack of consideration around poly stuff. There are reasons, of course, and they are the same reasons every poly person has ever had for doing these things and they are the reasons I had when I did these things: NRE, don't want to hurt your partner, don't want to admit that you might have to compromise, so just make the problem go away. Big side helping of "can't say no, can't state boundaries so can't negotiate them."
I am not new to poly.
I don't do that shit anymore and haven't for a long time now. It's not always easy, especially with someone who has a lot of discomfort. I do it anyhow. You can't get real emotional intimacy any other way.
I also tell people up front when there's something I can't do, like I cannot tell my partners who I'm going to have sex with before I do it and I cannot let my partners decide who else I date.
And now I decide what to do. I have to figure out how to be compassionate but also how to navigate my needs. I hate this shit.
So I've been reading about rebuilding trust in relationships. I don't think he has been. I guess that says something.
There's a lot I like there, and maybe it'll help me figure out where my lines are around this and what to do next. It's good to have language for some of the stuff I've been feeling:
"Accumulations of trustworthy behaviour have to continue to the point where a subsequent mistake that breaches trust will be seen as an exception that proves the rule."
"How can your partner trust you if you always say yes? How can you rebuild trust if you say yes to something you don't want?"
"Do they consider the consequences of their actions?"
"Trust is comfort in your partner's presence, while distrust is unease, anxiety, and discontent. Overall, trust is willingness to be vulnerable because you know you'll be cared for, while distrust is an unwillingness to be vulnerable because you're afraid you'll get hurt"
"three dimensions of relationship trust: preductability, dependability, and faith [...] evidence of predictability and dependability are established by going through situation after situation in which your partner could potentially be secretive and selfish, but instead chose to be open and kind" (I really like the focus on kindness here)
"Letting yourself be vulnerable is the only way to discover if your partner will be responsive and caring, or will let you down again"
Well, fuck.
When it came out he said there hadn't been time since he started making plans to tell me. Later it turns out the plans had been in the works for awhile. Another lie.
Later it turns out the plans were for a longer time than he told me they were going to be when it came up too, so he not only avoided telling me about it and then lied when I asked, but lied to minimize the extent of the lies.
Turns out he was going up to do kink stuff based on rules-lawyering an agreement without running it by me too. Currently he seems pretty ready to stand by "don't do kink with her by text until we have time to talk about our own kink dynamic [if you want to continue to engage in kink with me ] and I'm more comfortable generally with one-offs than an ongoing dynamic" meaning "I'm ok if you go up in person and do kink stuff with her for a week."
And... it's part of a pattern of late communication and general lack of consideration around poly stuff. There are reasons, of course, and they are the same reasons every poly person has ever had for doing these things and they are the reasons I had when I did these things: NRE, don't want to hurt your partner, don't want to admit that you might have to compromise, so just make the problem go away. Big side helping of "can't say no, can't state boundaries so can't negotiate them."
I am not new to poly.
I don't do that shit anymore and haven't for a long time now. It's not always easy, especially with someone who has a lot of discomfort. I do it anyhow. You can't get real emotional intimacy any other way.
I also tell people up front when there's something I can't do, like I cannot tell my partners who I'm going to have sex with before I do it and I cannot let my partners decide who else I date.
And now I decide what to do. I have to figure out how to be compassionate but also how to navigate my needs. I hate this shit.
So I've been reading about rebuilding trust in relationships. I don't think he has been. I guess that says something.
There's a lot I like there, and maybe it'll help me figure out where my lines are around this and what to do next. It's good to have language for some of the stuff I've been feeling:
"Accumulations of trustworthy behaviour have to continue to the point where a subsequent mistake that breaches trust will be seen as an exception that proves the rule."
"How can your partner trust you if you always say yes? How can you rebuild trust if you say yes to something you don't want?"
"Do they consider the consequences of their actions?"
"Trust is comfort in your partner's presence, while distrust is unease, anxiety, and discontent. Overall, trust is willingness to be vulnerable because you know you'll be cared for, while distrust is an unwillingness to be vulnerable because you're afraid you'll get hurt"
"three dimensions of relationship trust: preductability, dependability, and faith [...] evidence of predictability and dependability are established by going through situation after situation in which your partner could potentially be secretive and selfish, but instead chose to be open and kind" (I really like the focus on kindness here)
"Letting yourself be vulnerable is the only way to discover if your partner will be responsive and caring, or will let you down again"
Well, fuck.