Josh just left. We spent a week butchering pork and cooking and being in each others' presence. We didn't talk a ton about big topics. We didn't have sex, because I couldn't stop crying. Still he held me like he really cared, he paid attention and did kind things for me, and he brought me little gifts of observation and excitement. The part of me ( Read more... )

A couple years ago I was talking with my counselor about boundaries, and how you know what your boundaries are, and how you know what your needs are. She said something to the effect of, if you know you don't want something, you can turn that around into what you want. For instance:

I don't want to be stood up/I don't want to be waiting for someone ( Read more... )

Ok. Self-reflection. Map my thoughts.

( navel gazing, as per the deck's instructions )

Today I can hopefully take the tiller in to get it looked at. Josh says it's probably the carburetor.

In the meantime my plan is to plant spinach and grain, and maybe pick up a bale of straw for the pigs tonight.

Planting continues: I got the rest of the melon seeds into pots yesterday, and hopefully by the end of today I'll have the squash done.

Josh ( Read more... )

You know, I've never actually run a car out of gas. I've tried: buy a new-to-me vehicle, put a jerry can of gas in the back, fill it up, and tell myself I'll run it dry so I know just how far I can push it in case I need to later. I never successfully push it until it dies. Once I managed to make it 10k after the low fuel light went on before I ( Read more... )

I definitely feel like I'm getting sucked down. I'm keeping my head above water when there's no extra stress, and then get sucked down into dysfunctionality when anything extra pops up. For instance, I had to corral a whole bunch of pigs the other day and sell/trade them, and that was definitely stressful enough that I couldn't function well. ( Read more... )

My heart hurts ( Read more... )

Experimented with setting boundaries. It went really well ( Read more... )

Had relationship discussion and agreement around including me in planning big things/escalations where possible. Planned a week-long first visit without telling me until basically he was in the buying plane tickets stage of finalizing plans. Asked him a couple times about plans during the time he was making these plans with the other person and he ( Read more... )

The point of a counselor is for someone to ask me questions that are too scary or shaky for me to think of asking myself. Last week it was, "what does it say about you if you don't give people second chances/collaborate/work with them after they've done something wrong ( Read more... )