Examining...

[fierceawakening]

So someone asked over at Ren's if any kinky people had talked about examining their desires, and Ren recommended reading me.

Not sure exactly why, as all I've been saying lately is that such a thing involves asking the wrong questions, but... just so this person has something to see, here goes nothing.

Comments

[preciouslilme]

I same here from your link on feministing and while interesting I don't think ti fully explains the problems I have with BDSM. I don't doubt that there are people who do like it from both genders but it does not explain why women so much more often fall into the submissive side and men to the dominant. My theory is that if it was all natural that we would have closer to equal numbers of both. Nor does it explain women who get introduced into being submissive by boyfriends and come to believe that it is the only way to have sex and the only way to please "men".

[fierceawakening]

Hello, preciouslilmeThanks for reading

[fierceawakening]

also, I may just be missing something, but why is someone with an icon of a woman licking blood off her hand, labeled "sinsuality," talk about BDSM as "unnatural"? Are you into it yourself but think it's entirely social? Because I must say that has me very confused.

[preciouslilme]

What do you think explains the lack fo female tops? I think that the clashing with what society says is okay explains the difference between the men who have submissive fantasies and the men who actually act them out.

I do believe there are some natural subs but I do wonder to what degree society has made women who might be interested in BDSM take on the submissive role automatically. I was one of those women myself and my partner took on the role of dominant. It wasn't until a year later that he told me that he hated being dom and was actually more sub. I'd figured out I hated any sort of power play altogether soon after we started.

[fierceawakening]

What do you think explains the lack fo female tops?

I already answered you above:

I do think there is a noticeable dearth of women tops, though, and I do think this probably has to do with patriarchy. However, I'm not sure this is because BDSM isn't natural and women are trained into submission. I think it may also be that women look around them and see vague social support for their submissive desires (though I also urge you to read the stories of submissive women who felt like freaks and failures, too), but that women don't see support for dominance.

Is there something more you feel I'm not addressing?

I do wonder to what degree society has made women who might be interested in BDSM take on the submissive role automatically.I do think this happens, and I do think patriarchy is likely to have something to do with it. On the other hand, I think that a lot (but of course not all) of the BDSM community encourages people to do what they want to do, rather than what they feel they should. I've seen a lot of women start out thinking

[preciouslilme]

My thoughts are that if BDSM is natural then there would be somewhat equal numbers of dominant women and men. Are you saying that there are dominant women who are not involved in any sort of BDSM because there is little social support for it or that in there interest of BDSM become submissive instead

[fierceawakening]

Preciouslilme:

My thoughts are that if BDSM is natural then there would be somewhat equal numbers of dominant women and men. Are you saying that there are dominant women who are not involved in any sort of BDSM because there is little social support for it or that in there interest of BDSM become submissive instead?I'm not sure why you're confused. What I am saying is that I do think there's widespread social norms about what relationships look like, and I do think those norms are a certain kind of heterosexual romance that puts a man in a "leading"/dominant-ish role and a woman in a "following"/submissive-ish one

[roykay]

>it does not explain why women so much more often fall into the submissive side and men to the

[preciouslilme]

Wow, way to generalise from monkeys. And thanks for telling me what I like otherwise I would have never figured it out! . I'm not a monkey. I've only ever been "spanked" once (actually it them violently hitting me given the lack of consent) and if anyone ever does it to me I'll hit them back, harder and not somewhere there's lots of fatty tissue. There is nothing inherent in me which makes me like it. Quite the contrary actually. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to take the rest of your argument seriously when you claim something like that

[roykay]

Actually you are a monkey, or more accurately an ape; as am I. Only the creationists bother denying we are apes. We are a different species of ape from chimps, bonobos, gorillas and the like, but an awful lot of hardwairing is characteristic of all

[preciouslilme]

If someone was to like spanking I would not put it down to biology but cast it as a learnt behaviour. If it was biology shouldn't the majority of women like it? I find it hard to imagine I am the only one that deviates from your theory

[fierceawakening]

Y'know, could you please stop disparaging BDSM *and* using that icon? It's really bothering me. It's like... BDSM imagery is OK when you use it, but requires examination when everyone else does. It's actually really bothering me.

[preciouslilme]

I'll stop using it given it bothers you but its not BDSM imagery at all. It's berry juice being squeezed.

[fierceawakening]

Roy,

As much as I actually did say I wanted to see your thoughts on this, the whole monkey comparison is really creeping me out. The whole thing you're talking about doesn't resonate with me at all, and yes, I do like women.