Examining...
So someone asked over at Ren's if any kinky people had talked about examining their desires, and Ren recommended reading me.
Not sure exactly why, as all I've been saying lately is that such a thing involves asking the wrong questions, but... just so this person has something to see, here goes nothing.
Genderfucking: I honestly think that my sense from a very young age that I was most sexually comfortable doing things supposedly for males (giving penetration, some aspects of/ways of expressing dominance, etc.) is innate. Not very helpful to someone who wants to hear about Le Patriarchy, but... tough tiddledy winks. I don't get the impression most other female children around me felt utter terror that their body meant something they didn't identify with, while male people got something they fundamentally did.
And I don't think the dominance thing came entirely from patriarchy either, given that I was always attracted to images of dominant females too.
It is possible that some of the associations in my head between penetrating and dominating are influenced by patriarchy. But both were always what I wanted, so I'm not sure there's something particularly sinister about their being connected in my head.
Either way, my fretting strikes me as more sexist than my accepting it. What that fretting says is a female cannot be like a male, because it disrupts the social order. It says I accept that I am a usurper, and the hell with that. I'm me, and it's the world that owes me space to be all of me, female and masculine. It's not me that owes the world conformity to essentialist bullshit.
It is entirely possible that the patriarchy has something to do with my kink for feminine men, also. It's the same connection: femininity as submissive, and masculinity as dominant. But even there, I think it's less that I'm personally embracing patriarchy as it is that patriarchy ... I don't want to say formed femininity and masculinity , because I think some of those mannerisms and ways of acting are innate. But patriarchy, at the very least, encourages submissive femininities and dominant masculinities.
So it could be that I'm programmed to see femininity as submissive. Or it could be that I'm attracted to submission, and I grew up in a culture where markers of femininity imply it. Or it could be that I seek my complement, so I fantasize first about someone who's sexually feminine, male, and submissive together.
Blood/knives: This is the one kink whose origins I might be able to pinpoint, and that origin is, again, not the patriarchy, but a long and complicated medical history that involves a lot of surgeries. Incisions = knives and blood. Although...
Pain in general: This one I'd have to say was always with me, and not to be boring again, but I have no idea why and really don't much care. I collected poetry about pleasant pain from childhood, found myself attracted to art/poems that combined violence and romance, etc. This is the one I really don't think theories about male dominance explain for me.
It's an interest in pain, not an interest in genders.
Though I think patriarchy may have had to do in a backwards way with some of the particular fun of hurting men: Men are not supposed to show pain, are supposed to be able to take a lot of it without seeming affected, etc.
Women, in a way, are expected to court suffering in our culture. "It hurts to be beautiful" was a common phrase I heard as a kid, when the adults were trying to force me to care about feminine fripperies.
To make a man suffer -- to make him feel, to force his walls down and reduce him to quivering sensation, whether pleasure or pain, is an achievement, and more intensely pleasant for being so.
Even if he's feminine, there's still that thrill, knowing what his body is supposed to mean, of taking expectations and fucking them sideways. :)
Rape Fantasy: I really don't know why I've always had fantasies of forcing men. I think some of it's a dominance thing. After all, the ultimate proof that you have power -- as horribly wrong as it is for real -- is to render someone else's will irrelevant.
Some of it's just The Dark Side asserting itself.
Some of it, I think, is revenge. I don't know if this is directly a response to patriarchy's evils ( you so often rape us... what happens if we decide to rape you? ) or if it's just what happens when I'm both aroused and angry/indignant.
It can't completely be about making patriarchy pay, though, as I do have a few (rare) fantasies involving women. I've noticed I have these less than I once did. I don't know if that's temporary or permanent.
It's possible part of their earlier frequency was teen angst, or perhaps anxiety before I became sexually active that people might not want me. I don't know.
Watersports: I think part of this is a marking thing, sort of claiming someone with something that came from my body.
But I think another big part of it is the idea of my partner reveling in something of mine that is supposed to be unclean. Not because it's degrading to expose him to it. In fact it's the reverse: something ugly that comes from me is sanctified and made beautiful and holy by his desire for it.
The symbolism to me is that he's accepting me wholly, even the parts I may fear to reveal. It's taking the fact that I'm not perfect, that I like all people am part ugly, and making that... not matter, because what he's telling me is that every part of me is worth accepting.
Not that that means I get to be an asshole or a bad person, of course. Just that, well, he knows I'm flawed and exults in my attention and love anyway.
Which is something we can all use reminding of, sometimes.
Not sure exactly why, as all I've been saying lately is that such a thing involves asking the wrong questions, but... just so this person has something to see, here goes nothing.
Genderfucking: I honestly think that my sense from a very young age that I was most sexually comfortable doing things supposedly for males (giving penetration, some aspects of/ways of expressing dominance, etc.) is innate. Not very helpful to someone who wants to hear about Le Patriarchy, but... tough tiddledy winks. I don't get the impression most other female children around me felt utter terror that their body meant something they didn't identify with, while male people got something they fundamentally did.
And I don't think the dominance thing came entirely from patriarchy either, given that I was always attracted to images of dominant females too.
It is possible that some of the associations in my head between penetrating and dominating are influenced by patriarchy. But both were always what I wanted, so I'm not sure there's something particularly sinister about their being connected in my head.
Either way, my fretting strikes me as more sexist than my accepting it. What that fretting says is a female cannot be like a male, because it disrupts the social order. It says I accept that I am a usurper, and the hell with that. I'm me, and it's the world that owes me space to be all of me, female and masculine. It's not me that owes the world conformity to essentialist bullshit.
It is entirely possible that the patriarchy has something to do with my kink for feminine men, also. It's the same connection: femininity as submissive, and masculinity as dominant. But even there, I think it's less that I'm personally embracing patriarchy as it is that patriarchy ... I don't want to say formed femininity and masculinity , because I think some of those mannerisms and ways of acting are innate. But patriarchy, at the very least, encourages submissive femininities and dominant masculinities.
So it could be that I'm programmed to see femininity as submissive. Or it could be that I'm attracted to submission, and I grew up in a culture where markers of femininity imply it. Or it could be that I seek my complement, so I fantasize first about someone who's sexually feminine, male, and submissive together.
Blood/knives: This is the one kink whose origins I might be able to pinpoint, and that origin is, again, not the patriarchy, but a long and complicated medical history that involves a lot of surgeries. Incisions = knives and blood. Although...
Pain in general: This one I'd have to say was always with me, and not to be boring again, but I have no idea why and really don't much care. I collected poetry about pleasant pain from childhood, found myself attracted to art/poems that combined violence and romance, etc. This is the one I really don't think theories about male dominance explain for me.
It's an interest in pain, not an interest in genders.
Though I think patriarchy may have had to do in a backwards way with some of the particular fun of hurting men: Men are not supposed to show pain, are supposed to be able to take a lot of it without seeming affected, etc.
Women, in a way, are expected to court suffering in our culture. "It hurts to be beautiful" was a common phrase I heard as a kid, when the adults were trying to force me to care about feminine fripperies.
To make a man suffer -- to make him feel, to force his walls down and reduce him to quivering sensation, whether pleasure or pain, is an achievement, and more intensely pleasant for being so.
Even if he's feminine, there's still that thrill, knowing what his body is supposed to mean, of taking expectations and fucking them sideways. :)
Rape Fantasy: I really don't know why I've always had fantasies of forcing men. I think some of it's a dominance thing. After all, the ultimate proof that you have power -- as horribly wrong as it is for real -- is to render someone else's will irrelevant.
Some of it's just The Dark Side asserting itself.
Some of it, I think, is revenge. I don't know if this is directly a response to patriarchy's evils ( you so often rape us... what happens if we decide to rape you? ) or if it's just what happens when I'm both aroused and angry/indignant.
It can't completely be about making patriarchy pay, though, as I do have a few (rare) fantasies involving women. I've noticed I have these less than I once did. I don't know if that's temporary or permanent.
It's possible part of their earlier frequency was teen angst, or perhaps anxiety before I became sexually active that people might not want me. I don't know.
Watersports: I think part of this is a marking thing, sort of claiming someone with something that came from my body.
But I think another big part of it is the idea of my partner reveling in something of mine that is supposed to be unclean. Not because it's degrading to expose him to it. In fact it's the reverse: something ugly that comes from me is sanctified and made beautiful and holy by his desire for it.
The symbolism to me is that he's accepting me wholly, even the parts I may fear to reveal. It's taking the fact that I'm not perfect, that I like all people am part ugly, and making that... not matter, because what he's telling me is that every part of me is worth accepting.
Not that that means I get to be an asshole or a bad person, of course. Just that, well, he knows I'm flawed and exults in my attention and love anyway.
Which is something we can all use reminding of, sometimes.