Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Sixteen
He had never felt so utterly blissful in his entire life. A small part of him wondered if perhaps he had died and gone to heaven, but he thought that part was being rather pessimistic about the whole thing.
After all, being dead would mean that James hadn’t just spent the past three quarters of an hour snogging Lily Evans.
James had stretched himself out on top of the unused desk at the front of the unused classroom, replaying the past forty-five minutes in slow motion, occasionally hitting the Repeat button in his brain. After watching one specific bit four times, he was quite giddy.
He was just about to indulge in a fifth viewing when the door slammed open and he toppled off the desk.
“James? Why are you on the floor?”
“Why am I on-“ James cut himself off, going from confused to furious in the space of a heartbeat. “Why am I on the floor? Bloody-what the hell, Sirius? What the bloody hell?”
“It was just a question!” Sirius said defensively. “No need to be so bleeding touchy.”
“You-“ James cut himself off again, admitting to himself that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. “Is there any particular reason you came storming in here like a herd of hippogriffs were chasing you down? You interrupted something.”
Sirius glanced around the classroom, looking wary. “I don’t see Evans here. What could I have interrupted?”
James was about to tell Sirius just what it was he had interrupted-the most blissful moments of his life-when James decided, again, that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. With Sirius, you had to pick your battles, and James was most decidedly not in the mood for any battles just then. “Just tell me why you’re here, Sirius.”
There was no other way for James to describe it-Sirius suddenly drooped. He looked like a puppy that had just been thwacked on the nose with a newspaper for trying to nick a sausage off the table. “I don’t know what to do,” Sirius said imploringly.
James barely stifled a sigh. With Sirius, everything was a tragedy and needed to be dealt with in as dramatic a manner as possible. “About what, Sirius?” he inquired dutifully.
“Remus.”
James amused himself with a brief daydream in which he strung up Sirius and Remus by their ankles and pelted them with Cockroach Clusters for being such unbearable twits. “What’s the mangy wolf done now? Eaten all the chocolate in our stash? Finally shagged his boyfriend good and proper?”
“He broke up with Landon.”
“Did he? Ah well, other homosexual fish in the sea.” James glanced at Sirius’s long face and another thought occurred to him. “Is Moony okay? Is that why you’re here? Should we sneak out to Hogsmeade and get the lad some decent liqueur so he can get pissed?”
“Moony wouldn’t get pissed even if he were depressed,” Sirius mumbled. “But anyway, that’s not it.”
“Well, what is it then? Spit it out, man!”
“I would if you would shut your bleeding trap for one minute,” Sirius snapped.
James scowled at that, but stayed silent.
It took Sirius a few tries-he seemed to be choking on the words as they tried to escape from his throat-but he finally blurted out something that vaguely resembled the English language.
“Come again?” James asked blankly.
“Bloody buggering hell,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. “I’ll say it one more time and if you try to make me repeat it again, I swear I’ll-“
“Yes, yes, you’ll decapitate me or string me up by my bollocks or tell Lily that I’m a eunuch. Just say it again, and please do me a favor and pronunciate, you degenerate.”
James could tell that Sirius was struggling not to let the whole scenario fade into a trading a scathing remarks, and, having known Sirius as long and as well as he did, felt it was rather something that Sirius managed to control himself. “All right. Okay. Right then. The thing is…Remus thinks he’s…he’s said he’s in love with me.”
James blinked. He played the words back again in his brain, certain he must have missed something. Before he could stop himself, he asked, rather squeakily, “Come again?”
Sirius let out a squawk of what was most probably rage and dived at James, who just barely managed to throw himself out of harm’s way. Sirius crashed into the desk, letting out a string of curses that would have made James proud in any other situation.
“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” James said hurriedly before Sirius could regain his feet and make another attempt at bodily harm. “I just-you caught me by surprise is all!”
“Caught me by surprise too,” Sirius huffed, using the desk to pull himself up. “Ouch. Bugger. Should’ve just let me hit you, you wanker, that desk bloody well hurt.”
“I’m fragile, you probably would’ve broken my spine,” James said contritely.
The two stood awkwardly for a minute, looking anywhere around the small classroom except at each other. James wished sullenly, not for the first time, that Sirius had gone and found another best friend that he could talk to about these things. How to deal with a gay friend in love with a straight friend was not even remotely in James’s area of expertise, though admittedly, his area of expertise lay far away from the world of romance. Except when it came to Lily. He was bloody good at dealing with Lily. It’d just taken her a few years to catch on.
“I don’t know what to do,” Sirius suddenly said again, sounding rather small and weary.
“Well…there’s really nothing you can do, is there?” James said tentatively. “Love spells are illegal, so it’s not like you can brew up a potion to make him not be in love with you, and, well. He can’t just make it stop. You can’t help who you love. I would know.”
James felt relieved when Sirius cracked a smile. “Could’ve saved yourself years of agony if you hadn’t been so bloody mesmerized by Red.”
“Well, she cottoned on eventually, didn’t she?” James said impatiently. “So anyway, what do you want to do about Remus?”
Sirius bit his lip, lowering his eyes to the floor. “I don’t know,” Sirius said, sounding even wearier. “It’s like you said-there’s really nothing to be done. I just…” His gaze snapped up to meet James’s, a certain bit of wildness in his eyes. “I don’t want him to stop speaking to me again. I hated it when he wasn’t speaking to me, and I don’t want him to go avoiding me again.” He fidgeted with his robes, once again not looking at James. “It’s-it’s bloody awful when he’s not around. We’ve been friends so long, you know? We’re Marauders. I can’t have him avoiding me again.”
“I get that,” James said slowly. “But…won’t you feel weird being around him? I mean, he’s said he’s in love with you. Won’t it be weird? You’ll just be thinking about it all the time, wondering if he’s…you know…looking at you, or thinking about you that way. Wouldn’t it be easier on both of you if you, y’know, took a break from each other?”
“I don’t want a break,” Sirius moaned, shoving a hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. “He’s my friend, James. One of my best friends. I don’t care how weird it will be having him around when he’s in love with me, it’d be weirder not having him around.”
James was quiet for a minute, mulling thoughts over in his mind. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to voice them to Sirius, but he knew he had to. One way or another, this situation had to be dealt with-clearly, letting time run its course was not an option here. “See, that logic doesn’t sit right with me,” James said. “Say it was me in your position, and say you were the one in love with me. I’d hate not being around you, right, but I wouldn’t want either of us in that awkward ‘you love me but I don’t love you and we’re both around each other all the bloody time’ position, so I’d want us both to back off. I’d want to give you space to get over it. Letting you hang around would be like flaunting what you can’t have.”
Sirius’s expression was dark as he growled, “You’re not in my position, so don’t try to put yourself in it. And how dare you insinuate that I’m flaunting myself in front of Remus! You wanker, you just-“
“Shut your bloody trap and listen to reason, Sirius,” James snapped. “If you’re around him all the time, he’ll probably never be able to properly move on, and you’ll always have it hanging over your friendship! I know you hate it, but you two taking a break is for the best.”
“I don’t want a bloody break,” Sirius snarled. “I just want my bloody best friend!”
“You’re being selfish and immature, Sirius,” James said forcefully. “I understand where you’re coming from-I do! But you need to do what’s best for Remus and for yourself. You want Remus to move on, so you need to back off.” James obviously hesitated before tentatively adding, “You do want him to move on, don’t you?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius burst out. “I’m not gay!”
“Hey, I was just-“
But Sirius interrupted him, going off on a tangent about the April Fools’ prank and all the girls he’d shagged and how could James be so bloody stupid as to think Sirius Black was queer? Sirius’s rant slowly built up James’s anger until he exploded.
“Well you’re doing a bloody good job at acting queer! Only worried about Remus running off when he’s only trying to do what’s best for himself. It’s almost like you don’t want him to get over you!”
Sirius stared at James. He shook his head, almost like he was trying to get rid of whatever thoughts were in his head. “You-clearly you’ve missed the whole point,” Sirius growled. “You’re so-so stupid. I’m not gay. And Remus only thinks he’s in love with me. He’ll get over it.”
James opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius cut him off. “No! I don’t want to hear any more. I’m not queer, James Potter, and I’m not going to lose one of my best friends just because he is. So just shut your mouth.”
And he turned and stalked out of the classroom, leaving James feeling more confused and at a loss than ever before.
xXxXx
Hm, that was rather short. I could’ve made this chapter longer, but 1) that would’ve taken more time, and 2) the extra content would have been out of place. This chapter also rather sucks, probably because I wrote it at 3 AM, but to be completely honest, I’ve never really gone for quality with this particular fic. This story is about me having fun with the Marauders, and I’m so pleased that so many of you seem to be having as much fun as I am! I’ll try my best to get chapter 17 up faster than this one. Please be patient with me-things have been crazy lately, but I have no intention of abandoning this fic!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else
After all, being dead would mean that James hadn’t just spent the past three quarters of an hour snogging Lily Evans.
James had stretched himself out on top of the unused desk at the front of the unused classroom, replaying the past forty-five minutes in slow motion, occasionally hitting the Repeat button in his brain. After watching one specific bit four times, he was quite giddy.
He was just about to indulge in a fifth viewing when the door slammed open and he toppled off the desk.
“James? Why are you on the floor?”
“Why am I on-“ James cut himself off, going from confused to furious in the space of a heartbeat. “Why am I on the floor? Bloody-what the hell, Sirius? What the bloody hell?”
“It was just a question!” Sirius said defensively. “No need to be so bleeding touchy.”
“You-“ James cut himself off again, admitting to himself that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. “Is there any particular reason you came storming in here like a herd of hippogriffs were chasing you down? You interrupted something.”
Sirius glanced around the classroom, looking wary. “I don’t see Evans here. What could I have interrupted?”
James was about to tell Sirius just what it was he had interrupted-the most blissful moments of his life-when James decided, again, that he would rather not get into this with Sirius right now. With Sirius, you had to pick your battles, and James was most decidedly not in the mood for any battles just then. “Just tell me why you’re here, Sirius.”
There was no other way for James to describe it-Sirius suddenly drooped. He looked like a puppy that had just been thwacked on the nose with a newspaper for trying to nick a sausage off the table. “I don’t know what to do,” Sirius said imploringly.
James barely stifled a sigh. With Sirius, everything was a tragedy and needed to be dealt with in as dramatic a manner as possible. “About what, Sirius?” he inquired dutifully.
“Remus.”
James amused himself with a brief daydream in which he strung up Sirius and Remus by their ankles and pelted them with Cockroach Clusters for being such unbearable twits. “What’s the mangy wolf done now? Eaten all the chocolate in our stash? Finally shagged his boyfriend good and proper?”
“He broke up with Landon.”
“Did he? Ah well, other homosexual fish in the sea.” James glanced at Sirius’s long face and another thought occurred to him. “Is Moony okay? Is that why you’re here? Should we sneak out to Hogsmeade and get the lad some decent liqueur so he can get pissed?”
“Moony wouldn’t get pissed even if he were depressed,” Sirius mumbled. “But anyway, that’s not it.”
“Well, what is it then? Spit it out, man!”
“I would if you would shut your bleeding trap for one minute,” Sirius snapped.
James scowled at that, but stayed silent.
It took Sirius a few tries-he seemed to be choking on the words as they tried to escape from his throat-but he finally blurted out something that vaguely resembled the English language.
“Come again?” James asked blankly.
“Bloody buggering hell,” Sirius said through gritted teeth. “I’ll say it one more time and if you try to make me repeat it again, I swear I’ll-“
“Yes, yes, you’ll decapitate me or string me up by my bollocks or tell Lily that I’m a eunuch. Just say it again, and please do me a favor and pronunciate, you degenerate.”
James could tell that Sirius was struggling not to let the whole scenario fade into a trading a scathing remarks, and, having known Sirius as long and as well as he did, felt it was rather something that Sirius managed to control himself. “All right. Okay. Right then. The thing is…Remus thinks he’s…he’s said he’s in love with me.”
James blinked. He played the words back again in his brain, certain he must have missed something. Before he could stop himself, he asked, rather squeakily, “Come again?”
Sirius let out a squawk of what was most probably rage and dived at James, who just barely managed to throw himself out of harm’s way. Sirius crashed into the desk, letting out a string of curses that would have made James proud in any other situation.
“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that!” James said hurriedly before Sirius could regain his feet and make another attempt at bodily harm. “I just-you caught me by surprise is all!”
“Caught me by surprise too,” Sirius huffed, using the desk to pull himself up. “Ouch. Bugger. Should’ve just let me hit you, you wanker, that desk bloody well hurt.”
“I’m fragile, you probably would’ve broken my spine,” James said contritely.
The two stood awkwardly for a minute, looking anywhere around the small classroom except at each other. James wished sullenly, not for the first time, that Sirius had gone and found another best friend that he could talk to about these things. How to deal with a gay friend in love with a straight friend was not even remotely in James’s area of expertise, though admittedly, his area of expertise lay far away from the world of romance. Except when it came to Lily. He was bloody good at dealing with Lily. It’d just taken her a few years to catch on.
“I don’t know what to do,” Sirius suddenly said again, sounding rather small and weary.
“Well…there’s really nothing you can do, is there?” James said tentatively. “Love spells are illegal, so it’s not like you can brew up a potion to make him not be in love with you, and, well. He can’t just make it stop. You can’t help who you love. I would know.”
James felt relieved when Sirius cracked a smile. “Could’ve saved yourself years of agony if you hadn’t been so bloody mesmerized by Red.”
“Well, she cottoned on eventually, didn’t she?” James said impatiently. “So anyway, what do you want to do about Remus?”
Sirius bit his lip, lowering his eyes to the floor. “I don’t know,” Sirius said, sounding even wearier. “It’s like you said-there’s really nothing to be done. I just…” His gaze snapped up to meet James’s, a certain bit of wildness in his eyes. “I don’t want him to stop speaking to me again. I hated it when he wasn’t speaking to me, and I don’t want him to go avoiding me again.” He fidgeted with his robes, once again not looking at James. “It’s-it’s bloody awful when he’s not around. We’ve been friends so long, you know? We’re Marauders. I can’t have him avoiding me again.”
“I get that,” James said slowly. “But…won’t you feel weird being around him? I mean, he’s said he’s in love with you. Won’t it be weird? You’ll just be thinking about it all the time, wondering if he’s…you know…looking at you, or thinking about you that way. Wouldn’t it be easier on both of you if you, y’know, took a break from each other?”
“I don’t want a break,” Sirius moaned, shoving a hand through his hair in a gesture of frustration. “He’s my friend, James. One of my best friends. I don’t care how weird it will be having him around when he’s in love with me, it’d be weirder not having him around.”
James was quiet for a minute, mulling thoughts over in his mind. Quite frankly, he didn’t want to voice them to Sirius, but he knew he had to. One way or another, this situation had to be dealt with-clearly, letting time run its course was not an option here. “See, that logic doesn’t sit right with me,” James said. “Say it was me in your position, and say you were the one in love with me. I’d hate not being around you, right, but I wouldn’t want either of us in that awkward ‘you love me but I don’t love you and we’re both around each other all the bloody time’ position, so I’d want us both to back off. I’d want to give you space to get over it. Letting you hang around would be like flaunting what you can’t have.”
Sirius’s expression was dark as he growled, “You’re not in my position, so don’t try to put yourself in it. And how dare you insinuate that I’m flaunting myself in front of Remus! You wanker, you just-“
“Shut your bloody trap and listen to reason, Sirius,” James snapped. “If you’re around him all the time, he’ll probably never be able to properly move on, and you’ll always have it hanging over your friendship! I know you hate it, but you two taking a break is for the best.”
“I don’t want a bloody break,” Sirius snarled. “I just want my bloody best friend!”
“You’re being selfish and immature, Sirius,” James said forcefully. “I understand where you’re coming from-I do! But you need to do what’s best for Remus and for yourself. You want Remus to move on, so you need to back off.” James obviously hesitated before tentatively adding, “You do want him to move on, don’t you?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Sirius burst out. “I’m not gay!”
“Hey, I was just-“
But Sirius interrupted him, going off on a tangent about the April Fools’ prank and all the girls he’d shagged and how could James be so bloody stupid as to think Sirius Black was queer? Sirius’s rant slowly built up James’s anger until he exploded.
“Well you’re doing a bloody good job at acting queer! Only worried about Remus running off when he’s only trying to do what’s best for himself. It’s almost like you don’t want him to get over you!”
Sirius stared at James. He shook his head, almost like he was trying to get rid of whatever thoughts were in his head. “You-clearly you’ve missed the whole point,” Sirius growled. “You’re so-so stupid. I’m not gay. And Remus only thinks he’s in love with me. He’ll get over it.”
James opened his mouth to argue, but Sirius cut him off. “No! I don’t want to hear any more. I’m not queer, James Potter, and I’m not going to lose one of my best friends just because he is. So just shut your mouth.”
And he turned and stalked out of the classroom, leaving James feeling more confused and at a loss than ever before.
xXxXx
Hm, that was rather short. I could’ve made this chapter longer, but 1) that would’ve taken more time, and 2) the extra content would have been out of place. This chapter also rather sucks, probably because I wrote it at 3 AM, but to be completely honest, I’ve never really gone for quality with this particular fic. This story is about me having fun with the Marauders, and I’m so pleased that so many of you seem to be having as much fun as I am! I’ll try my best to get chapter 17 up faster than this one. Please be patient with me-things have been crazy lately, but I have no intention of abandoning this fic!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion
Chapter Fifteen: Ruined For Anyone Else