Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Twelve
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
Peter couldn’t help himself. He was bouncing in his seat with anticipation, ignoring the odd looks he was receiving from Remus and Sirius. They couldn’t understand his excitement right now, but they would soon-very soon.
“Oi, move over a bit, would you, Pete? I need some room for my woman,” came James’s voice from behind Peter.
Peter caught Lily rolling her eyes. “Honestly, James,” she said exasperatedly. “I am not your woman. I’m my own woman. And be nice to Peter, he’s helping me pass Herbology.” Lily flashed a smile at Peter, and he found himself returning it.
“You are, Lily, you are very much your own woman,” James said as he slid onto the bench beside Peter, pulling Lily down next to him. “But you are a woman that snogs me. So you can understand why I’m feeling a bit protective. I like snogging.”
“You,” Lily said, glaring at James (and not completely hiding the faint smile on her lips), “are so vulgar sometimes.”
“Yes,” James agreed. “But you love me for it.”
“Correction,” Lily countered, “I tolerate you for it.”
“She loves me,” James announced to everyone within hearing range.
“Prat,” Lily muttered. The soft blush on her cheeks did not escape Peter’s notice.
Well, damn, Peter thought, very surprised by what he was seeing. They love each other. They’re in love. James somehow managed to make Lily love him. Wow.
Oh bother, that rather complicates things.
Peter’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud chorus of jumbled gasps, shrieks, and roars of laughter.
Severus Snape had entered the Great Hall.
And he was completely naked.
Upon deducing that the gasps, shrieks, and roars of laughter were aimed at him, Snape paused on his way toward the Slytherin table and fixed the general population with a livid glare. “What is your problem?” he growled.
The chorus grew louder. Sirius catcalled; Remus cuffed him in the back of the head.
“Settle down!” Professor McGonagall called out. “Honestly, what has gotten into all of you?”
Peter was ready to faint with how brilliantly this prank was turning out.
The professors descended on the House tables, attempting to quiet down the students. Snape, trying hard to cover his confusion with a look of deepest loathing, turned and stormed back out of the Great Hall.
“James,” said Lily. Peter was very glad that she wasn’t using that tone of voice on him. Curiously, though, he still felt guilty. “I would hate to think that you had anything to do with that.”
James tried to contain his peals of laughter enough to answer her. “No, Lils.” Another chuckle. “Haven’t a clue.” A chortle. “Who did that.” A pause to gasp for breath. “Bloody brilliant, whoever it was.”
“Oh, don’t think I’m so naïve!” Lily suddenly shouted. The guilt gnawed a little bit more at Peter’s belly. “Who else would’ve done something like that! It’s always you, you and your friends pranking Severus, no one else!”
“Lily, I’m telling you the truth!” James said so quickly that he nearly tripped over his words. “I swear, I had nothing to do with it!”
Peter was sure he’d never felt so guilty in his life.
“Well then who else would’ve done it?” Lily seethed. “Who, if not you and your friends?”
“It was me.”
No one was more shocked than Peter when he spoke those words.
“You?” Lily asked, anger turning quickly to astonishment.
Peter nodded.
“Seriously?” James asked.
Peter nodded again.
Sirius let out a loud whoop. “Brilliant, Pete! Good show, old son, you’ve done the Marauders proud today!” He pulled Peter into a hug, ruffling his hair.
“Very good execution,” Remus agreed. “How on earth did you do it?”
“I found a potion that makes the drinker, uh, look naked to everyone. Except themselves,” Peter explained sheepishly. “You can add in hairs from people you want to exclude from the effects. That’s why none of the professors could tell what was going on.”
“Brilliant,” Sirius said again.
“When did you slip Snape the potion?” Remus asked.
“Last night,” Peter said. “I, uh, snuck into his dorm and poured it into his water goblet.” He could tell by the flashes of acknowledgement in the other Marauders’ eyes that they understood he’d gone in as Wormtail and didn’t want Lily to know.
Peter realized that Lily had been rather quiet. He chanced a glance at her.
She was still wearing a look of shock. When she saw Peter looking at her, she cleared her throat. “That’s, uh.” Lily was clearly at a loss for words. “I imagine that potion was rather hard to brew.”
“Rather,” Peter agreed.
“It obviously worked,” Lily said. “It worked…very well.”
“No way,” James burst out with. “You’re impressed.”
“Well it is a very complicated potion,” Lily meekly defended herself. “Peter’s told me himself what a terrible potion-brewer he is.”
“I am,” Peter interjected.
“But still,” James whined. “You’re impressed. When you thought it was me, you were just mad. How is that fair?”
“Oh, come off it, James,” Lily said agitatedly. “It’s not like I’m congratulating him on a job well done, I’m just…acknowledging the effort.” She turned to Peter. “That was still a very, very mean thing to do. You shouldn’t have done it.” Lily quirked an eyebrow at James. “Better?”
“A little,” he admitted.
“You laughed,” Peter pointed out to Lily. “I saw you.”
“Er,” said Lily.
“Ha!” cried James. “So even if it had been me, you’d have no right to be mad! You thought it was funny too!”
Lily couldn’t seem to control her tortured expression. “Well,” she started. “I mean…Severus is a bit of a prat.” James cheered. “That doesn’t mean I condone this sort of thing,” Lily went on, “I just…well, all right, it was a bit funny.”
“Welcome to the dark side, Lily,” James said, unable to keep the grin off his face.
“Shut up,” Lily muttered.
xXxXx
As the desserts vanished from their plates, Sirius glanced quickly at Remus and announced that he was going to go for a walk. “Don’t wait up, Mum,” he said to James, bending down to kiss him on the cheek and hiss into his ear, “I don’t want to talk tonight.” Then he turned and melted into the crowd of students leaving the Great Hall.
“I’ve got patrolling with Davish,” Lily sighed resignedly. It was well-known that Simon Davish made a terrible patrolling partner for his inability to shut up. She turned to James. “Please wait up for me. I’m going to need somebody to rant at and I’m afraid that’s you.”
“I am your punching bag,” James said reverently. “Both physically and mentally. Though please keep the physical punching to a minimum-I bruise easily.”
“Pathetic,” Lily said affectionately. “I’ll see you later.” She hesitated for a moment, then gave James a quick peck on the lips before dashing off.
James watched Lily go with a dopey grin on his face. When she disappeared, he turned to Peter, his grin becoming devious. “You are the man of the hour, Petey, old friend. What would you like to do to celebrate your staggering victory? Gillyweed? Swim starkers in the lake? Follow Snape around and tell him his little friend is looking a bit peaky?”
“Er,” said Peter. “Actually. Um. I had plans with Dorcas tonight…”
“Say no more, my fine-furred friend,” James asserted. “Go, snog, be merry!”
“Thanks,” Peter said with obvious relief before scurrying off to find his girlfriend.
“And then there were two,” James said mischievously.
Remus looked up. He hadn’t been paying much attention to anyone or anything during the meal as he’d been immersed in A Twit’s Guide to Advanced Numerology. “What?” he said stupidly.
“Come along, Remy-poo, it’s just me and you,” James sing-songed, heaving his rucksack off the floor and starting towards the doorway. “What havoc shall we wreak since our fellow Marauders have abandoned us?”
“Enough havoc has been wreaked today, don’t you think?” Remus pointed out, falling into step beside James. “Let’s not steal Peter’s thunder just yet.”
“You are wise, O Loony One,” James said. “Well then, we shall just have to gossip like two old broads. When’s your date with that Mathers bloke?”
Remus turned sensationally red. “Tomorrow.”
“Going to Hogsmeade?”
“Yes.”
“Ace,” James said approvingly. “Good that you’ve found a bloke who is unafraid to sneak past the professors for an unapproved Hogsmeade visit. Anyone else would be unworthy.”
“Er. Right.”
“It’s great that you’ve got a date so soon,” James went on. “A real date, I mean. Because you and Sirius weren’t really dating. That was just a laugh. A brilliant laugh, I’ve got to say. But now you’ve got a real date. With a boy that won’t just snog you for a laugh. It will be real snogging. Which is just what you need.”
James realized he’d prattled on too much when Remus came to a halt and fixed him with a startled look.
“Sirius told you.”
“Sirius told me what?” James was well-aware that he did not sound entirely convincing.
“You know very well what,” Remus said with a hint of irritation. “You’re terrible at hiding things and even worse at playing stupid. Which is rather ironic.”
James decided to ignore that last comment. “Okay, so he told me. But please don’t let him know that you know that I know.”
“I won’t,” Remus promised. “I’ll kill him without saying a word as to why I’m killing him.”
“Fair enough,” said James. He shifted the strap of his rucksack, hesitating. “So, uh, Sirius is pretty upset about you avoiding him.”
“It’s necessary and he knows it,” Remus said sharply.
“Yeah, he might’ve mentioned that,” James said dismissively. “Doesn’t stop him from being upset. How much longer do you think it’s going to be like this?”
“It’s just a crush,” Remus said neutrally. “I’ve known him far too long for it to be anything else. I didn’t feel, well, like this before I started getting regular snogs from him, so, I mean, it just…it has to be hormones. The only reason I’m staying away from him is to let this pass completely. Then we can go back to being normal. You know, friends like we used to be, and he’ll never have to wonder if I’m thinking. Er. Inappropriate thoughts about him.”
“Do you think inappropriate thoughts about him?” James inquired, not quite managing to give the question the innocent air he’d been trying for.
“I refuse to answer that on the grounds of self-preservation,” Remus firmly stated.
“Which means yes,” James said wickedly.
“Let the record show that I admitted nothing,” Remus said.
James snickered until they came in view of the portrait hole. “So…things are going to be okay between you two? Given enough time and distance, you’ll go back to being his friend?”
“I’m not his not-friend right now,” Remus said quickly. “I’m just…his absent friend. For his own good. But yeah, given enough time and distance, things will go back to normal.”
“Good,” James said with a smile. “Now that’s enough gossip for one day, what say you to a game of chess?”
“I’ll win,” Remus said, climbing through the portrait hole after giving the password (“Clabbert claw!”). “I always win.”
“Ah, that was true of the past, my dear Mr. Lupin,” James respectfully admitted. “But I think my luck is changing. Didn’t you see? Lily Evans kissed me! On the lips! Lily Evans kissed me on the lips in the Great Hall, where anyone could see! Oh yes, my friend, my luck is definitely changing.”
xXxXx
A/N: Sorry, no Remus/Sirius interaction in this one. The other characters demanded screen time. Since they popped up in places that I deemed acceptable, I decided to keep it this way. Besides, I think a fic can get very boring when it constantly centers on just two characters. I’m happy with this chapter, despite it not turning out the way I’d originally thought. I hope you are too!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
Peter couldn’t help himself. He was bouncing in his seat with anticipation, ignoring the odd looks he was receiving from Remus and Sirius. They couldn’t understand his excitement right now, but they would soon-very soon.
“Oi, move over a bit, would you, Pete? I need some room for my woman,” came James’s voice from behind Peter.
Peter caught Lily rolling her eyes. “Honestly, James,” she said exasperatedly. “I am not your woman. I’m my own woman. And be nice to Peter, he’s helping me pass Herbology.” Lily flashed a smile at Peter, and he found himself returning it.
“You are, Lily, you are very much your own woman,” James said as he slid onto the bench beside Peter, pulling Lily down next to him. “But you are a woman that snogs me. So you can understand why I’m feeling a bit protective. I like snogging.”
“You,” Lily said, glaring at James (and not completely hiding the faint smile on her lips), “are so vulgar sometimes.”
“Yes,” James agreed. “But you love me for it.”
“Correction,” Lily countered, “I tolerate you for it.”
“She loves me,” James announced to everyone within hearing range.
“Prat,” Lily muttered. The soft blush on her cheeks did not escape Peter’s notice.
Well, damn, Peter thought, very surprised by what he was seeing. They love each other. They’re in love. James somehow managed to make Lily love him. Wow.
Oh bother, that rather complicates things.
Peter’s thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a loud chorus of jumbled gasps, shrieks, and roars of laughter.
Severus Snape had entered the Great Hall.
And he was completely naked.
Upon deducing that the gasps, shrieks, and roars of laughter were aimed at him, Snape paused on his way toward the Slytherin table and fixed the general population with a livid glare. “What is your problem?” he growled.
The chorus grew louder. Sirius catcalled; Remus cuffed him in the back of the head.
“Settle down!” Professor McGonagall called out. “Honestly, what has gotten into all of you?”
Peter was ready to faint with how brilliantly this prank was turning out.
The professors descended on the House tables, attempting to quiet down the students. Snape, trying hard to cover his confusion with a look of deepest loathing, turned and stormed back out of the Great Hall.
“James,” said Lily. Peter was very glad that she wasn’t using that tone of voice on him. Curiously, though, he still felt guilty. “I would hate to think that you had anything to do with that.”
James tried to contain his peals of laughter enough to answer her. “No, Lils.” Another chuckle. “Haven’t a clue.” A chortle. “Who did that.” A pause to gasp for breath. “Bloody brilliant, whoever it was.”
“Oh, don’t think I’m so naïve!” Lily suddenly shouted. The guilt gnawed a little bit more at Peter’s belly. “Who else would’ve done something like that! It’s always you, you and your friends pranking Severus, no one else!”
“Lily, I’m telling you the truth!” James said so quickly that he nearly tripped over his words. “I swear, I had nothing to do with it!”
Peter was sure he’d never felt so guilty in his life.
“Well then who else would’ve done it?” Lily seethed. “Who, if not you and your friends?”
“It was me.”
No one was more shocked than Peter when he spoke those words.
“You?” Lily asked, anger turning quickly to astonishment.
Peter nodded.
“Seriously?” James asked.
Peter nodded again.
Sirius let out a loud whoop. “Brilliant, Pete! Good show, old son, you’ve done the Marauders proud today!” He pulled Peter into a hug, ruffling his hair.
“Very good execution,” Remus agreed. “How on earth did you do it?”
“I found a potion that makes the drinker, uh, look naked to everyone. Except themselves,” Peter explained sheepishly. “You can add in hairs from people you want to exclude from the effects. That’s why none of the professors could tell what was going on.”
“Brilliant,” Sirius said again.
“When did you slip Snape the potion?” Remus asked.
“Last night,” Peter said. “I, uh, snuck into his dorm and poured it into his water goblet.” He could tell by the flashes of acknowledgement in the other Marauders’ eyes that they understood he’d gone in as Wormtail and didn’t want Lily to know.
Peter realized that Lily had been rather quiet. He chanced a glance at her.
She was still wearing a look of shock. When she saw Peter looking at her, she cleared her throat. “That’s, uh.” Lily was clearly at a loss for words. “I imagine that potion was rather hard to brew.”
“Rather,” Peter agreed.
“It obviously worked,” Lily said. “It worked…very well.”
“No way,” James burst out with. “You’re impressed.”
“Well it is a very complicated potion,” Lily meekly defended herself. “Peter’s told me himself what a terrible potion-brewer he is.”
“I am,” Peter interjected.
“But still,” James whined. “You’re impressed. When you thought it was me, you were just mad. How is that fair?”
“Oh, come off it, James,” Lily said agitatedly. “It’s not like I’m congratulating him on a job well done, I’m just…acknowledging the effort.” She turned to Peter. “That was still a very, very mean thing to do. You shouldn’t have done it.” Lily quirked an eyebrow at James. “Better?”
“A little,” he admitted.
“You laughed,” Peter pointed out to Lily. “I saw you.”
“Er,” said Lily.
“Ha!” cried James. “So even if it had been me, you’d have no right to be mad! You thought it was funny too!”
Lily couldn’t seem to control her tortured expression. “Well,” she started. “I mean…Severus is a bit of a prat.” James cheered. “That doesn’t mean I condone this sort of thing,” Lily went on, “I just…well, all right, it was a bit funny.”
“Welcome to the dark side, Lily,” James said, unable to keep the grin off his face.
“Shut up,” Lily muttered.
xXxXx
As the desserts vanished from their plates, Sirius glanced quickly at Remus and announced that he was going to go for a walk. “Don’t wait up, Mum,” he said to James, bending down to kiss him on the cheek and hiss into his ear, “I don’t want to talk tonight.” Then he turned and melted into the crowd of students leaving the Great Hall.
“I’ve got patrolling with Davish,” Lily sighed resignedly. It was well-known that Simon Davish made a terrible patrolling partner for his inability to shut up. She turned to James. “Please wait up for me. I’m going to need somebody to rant at and I’m afraid that’s you.”
“I am your punching bag,” James said reverently. “Both physically and mentally. Though please keep the physical punching to a minimum-I bruise easily.”
“Pathetic,” Lily said affectionately. “I’ll see you later.” She hesitated for a moment, then gave James a quick peck on the lips before dashing off.
James watched Lily go with a dopey grin on his face. When she disappeared, he turned to Peter, his grin becoming devious. “You are the man of the hour, Petey, old friend. What would you like to do to celebrate your staggering victory? Gillyweed? Swim starkers in the lake? Follow Snape around and tell him his little friend is looking a bit peaky?”
“Er,” said Peter. “Actually. Um. I had plans with Dorcas tonight…”
“Say no more, my fine-furred friend,” James asserted. “Go, snog, be merry!”
“Thanks,” Peter said with obvious relief before scurrying off to find his girlfriend.
“And then there were two,” James said mischievously.
Remus looked up. He hadn’t been paying much attention to anyone or anything during the meal as he’d been immersed in A Twit’s Guide to Advanced Numerology. “What?” he said stupidly.
“Come along, Remy-poo, it’s just me and you,” James sing-songed, heaving his rucksack off the floor and starting towards the doorway. “What havoc shall we wreak since our fellow Marauders have abandoned us?”
“Enough havoc has been wreaked today, don’t you think?” Remus pointed out, falling into step beside James. “Let’s not steal Peter’s thunder just yet.”
“You are wise, O Loony One,” James said. “Well then, we shall just have to gossip like two old broads. When’s your date with that Mathers bloke?”
Remus turned sensationally red. “Tomorrow.”
“Going to Hogsmeade?”
“Yes.”
“Ace,” James said approvingly. “Good that you’ve found a bloke who is unafraid to sneak past the professors for an unapproved Hogsmeade visit. Anyone else would be unworthy.”
“Er. Right.”
“It’s great that you’ve got a date so soon,” James went on. “A real date, I mean. Because you and Sirius weren’t really dating. That was just a laugh. A brilliant laugh, I’ve got to say. But now you’ve got a real date. With a boy that won’t just snog you for a laugh. It will be real snogging. Which is just what you need.”
James realized he’d prattled on too much when Remus came to a halt and fixed him with a startled look.
“Sirius told you.”
“Sirius told me what?” James was well-aware that he did not sound entirely convincing.
“You know very well what,” Remus said with a hint of irritation. “You’re terrible at hiding things and even worse at playing stupid. Which is rather ironic.”
James decided to ignore that last comment. “Okay, so he told me. But please don’t let him know that you know that I know.”
“I won’t,” Remus promised. “I’ll kill him without saying a word as to why I’m killing him.”
“Fair enough,” said James. He shifted the strap of his rucksack, hesitating. “So, uh, Sirius is pretty upset about you avoiding him.”
“It’s necessary and he knows it,” Remus said sharply.
“Yeah, he might’ve mentioned that,” James said dismissively. “Doesn’t stop him from being upset. How much longer do you think it’s going to be like this?”
“It’s just a crush,” Remus said neutrally. “I’ve known him far too long for it to be anything else. I didn’t feel, well, like this before I started getting regular snogs from him, so, I mean, it just…it has to be hormones. The only reason I’m staying away from him is to let this pass completely. Then we can go back to being normal. You know, friends like we used to be, and he’ll never have to wonder if I’m thinking. Er. Inappropriate thoughts about him.”
“Do you think inappropriate thoughts about him?” James inquired, not quite managing to give the question the innocent air he’d been trying for.
“I refuse to answer that on the grounds of self-preservation,” Remus firmly stated.
“Which means yes,” James said wickedly.
“Let the record show that I admitted nothing,” Remus said.
James snickered until they came in view of the portrait hole. “So…things are going to be okay between you two? Given enough time and distance, you’ll go back to being his friend?”
“I’m not his not-friend right now,” Remus said quickly. “I’m just…his absent friend. For his own good. But yeah, given enough time and distance, things will go back to normal.”
“Good,” James said with a smile. “Now that’s enough gossip for one day, what say you to a game of chess?”
“I’ll win,” Remus said, climbing through the portrait hole after giving the password (“Clabbert claw!”). “I always win.”
“Ah, that was true of the past, my dear Mr. Lupin,” James respectfully admitted. “But I think my luck is changing. Didn’t you see? Lily Evans kissed me! On the lips! Lily Evans kissed me on the lips in the Great Hall, where anyone could see! Oh yes, my friend, my luck is definitely changing.”
xXxXx
A/N: Sorry, no Remus/Sirius interaction in this one. The other characters demanded screen time. Since they popped up in places that I deemed acceptable, I decided to keep it this way. Besides, I think a fic can get very boring when it constantly centers on just two characters. I’m happy with this chapter, despite it not turning out the way I’d originally thought. I hope you are too!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations