Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes): Chapter Fifteen
Good grief, I completely forgot that I hadn't yet posted chapter 15 on here. :O
I'm so sorry about keeping you all waiting! With classes and work taking up so much of my time, it completely slipped my mind. I don't even know why I suddenly thought of it today, but I suddenly had a nagging feeling that I hadn't posted it and came scurrying over to the community to check. I feel terrible about keeping you all waiting for this chapter, especially since chapter 16 is at a stand-still and will probably remain so for quite some time. I'll find some way to make it up to you :)
Without further delay...
Delicious Irony (And Other Acquired Tastes)
Authoress: chelime
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Anything you recognize isn't mine.
Summary: A misunderstanding leads Remus and Sirius into playing a brilliant joke on the entire population of Hogwarts. Really, that’s all this is. A joke. And Remus is okay with that. Maybe. RLSB SLASH.
xXxXx
Landon sat very still on the other side of the table, gazing calmly at Remus. Remus knew that he was anything but calm though; he could hear his heart pounding, could smell the faint stench of fear. That was one perk of being a werewolf-you always knew what others were feeling.
Remus swallowed hard. Had his throat ever been this dry before? He didn’t think so.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay with him? That damnable voice whispered across his mind. You could learn to love him in time. He loves you. He’s so perfect. Stay with him…
But Remus couldn’t do that, couldn’t allow himself to use Landon that way. He knew Landon loved him-could see it in his eyes and hear it in his “hello” and feel it in his hands, those lovely, lovely hands. He knew he would hurt Landon very much by doing this, but he also knew that he would hurt Landon more if he stayed with him. He could never love Landon back-perhaps it was foolish to think so at only seventeen years old, but Remus could feel it in his bones that he would be loving Sirius Black until he died. Landon was the kind of boy that deserved as much as he gave, and would never be truly satisfied with anything less. Remus could never offer enough for Landon and so…it was best to just let him go.
“Remus?” Landon said again. “Please tell me what’s wrong.”
It was now or never. “I’m sorry, Landon, I’m truly so very sorry, but I have to break up with you.” Remus’s heart ached, and he reminded himself that this was for the best.
“Oh,” Landon said, softly, quietly. He appeared to be struggling to find something to say. “Um, may I ask why?”
“It’s…complicated,” Remus said hesitantly. “And it basically ends with me hating myself and hurting someone I’ve come to care for very much.”
The corners of Landon’s lips lifted briefly. “If you can’t or don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to. But I get the feeling you really need to talk about this and…I care for you very much too.” Landon reached across the table and took Remus’s hand, never breaking eye contact. “I’ll listen if you want to talk.”
There was a brief moment in which Remus struggled with himself, wondering if it would really be good for either of them if he were to tell Landon the whole story. But Landon was giving him such a kind look and was softly stroking his hand with his thumb, and Remus found the words tumbling out of himself.
He spoke of the prank and the real reason that it had ended. He spoke of the memories he’d explored last night that showed him how obvious his feelings had been, if only he’d taken a moment to really feel them. He spoke of the week following the prank and how difficult it had been to avoid his best friend.
“And then you asked me out and you were so charming that I couldn’t say no, and you turned out to be so wonderful, so really, truly wonderful, and I thought maybe, but last night…” Remus trailed off, his emotions threatening to overwhelm him. He didn’t continue speaking until Landon encouragingly squeezed his hand. “Last night was amazing,” he said fervently. “You were amazing. We were amazing.” Landon gave a small chuckle at this. “But then I got back to the dormitory and there was Sirius, teasing me with the rest of them, and I suddenly just knew. I’ve tried to ignore it and avoid it and will it away, but it hasn’t worked, and I’m afraid it never will. And it’s not fair to you that I should be with you and…love…someone else.”
They sat there for a while, neither one moving or speaking. Remus felt absolutely wretched and didn’t even want to think of what could possibly be going through Landon’s mind at that moment. He wanted to rip his hand away from Landon’s and just run away, away from the boy that had been nothing but good to him for the past month and a half, the boy that was now fighting not to cry. That was one of the worst things about being a werewolf-you always knew what others were feeling.
“I understand,” Landon suddenly said in a sad voice. “I will admit that I’m, well, rather hurt…but I know this is difficult for you, and I just…I have to thank you for being honest.”
Remus stared blankly at Landon for a moment, then let out a soft, self-deprecating laugh. “Why did you have to be so perfect?” he said softly. He realized he was still holding Landon’s hand and gave it a squeeze, looking back into Landon’s clear green eyes. “I tried. I really did. I don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t-you’re so perfect and I really do like you a ridiculous amount, but I just-I guess I’m just really messed up.”
Landon leaned forward, his gaze intense. “You are not messed up, Remus Lupin,” he said firmly. “It’s just the way things are. You can’t help who you love. We of all people should understand that, right?”
“Right,” Remus hollowly replied.
Landon seemed to hesitate for a moment, then brought Remus’s hand to his lips and kissed it. He stood up, letting go of Remus’s hand. “I should go, and you…you should talk to Black.”
Remus looked horrified at the very thought. “Oh no. Oh no no no. I couldn’t. I can’t face him. He’s straight, Landon.”
Landon laughed surprisingly loudly. “I wouldn’t be all too sure of that, Remus. After all, he snogged you for nearly two weeks for very flawed reasons. Don’t give up hope yet.” Landon hesitated again. “I…don’t want to lose you completely, Rem. So I’m just going to say that I’m here if you ever need me for anything and hope that you take me up on that offer. No pressure and no promises. Just…a friendly ear or a shoulder to cry on, whatever.” Landon reached out and squeezed Remus’s shoulder. “Take care, Remus.”
“You too, Landon.”
Remus’s eyes followed Landon as he left the library. He hoped he hadn’t just made the biggest mistake of his life.
xXxXx
Remus lay on his bed, Transfiguration book and Marauder’s Map spread out in front of him. He’d made a bit of a fool of himself in Transfiguration the other day and wanted very much to prevent a repeat of the lesson. He kept the Map out so he would have fair warning when Sirius approached the dormitory.
Remus had spent the past four days successfully avoiding Sirius. He was rather surprised he’d managed to keep it up so long, but he supposed it had to do with the fact that he had permanently confiscated the Map and always kept an eye on it. He ignored the nagging voice that frequently told him he was being paranoid; better safe than cornered by an irritated Sirius Black who was known to hex first and ask questions later.
Eyes glued to the text of his Transfiguration book, Remus pushed thoughts of Sirius aside. He just knew that McGonagall would be keeping a sharper eye on him next lesson after his colossally awful attempt at Transfiguring a flower vase into a jackrabbit. How was he to know his half-finished jackrabbit would start hopping about? And it certainly wasn’t his fault that the damned creature had nearly killed itself after trying to leap off the desk and succeeding only in shattering the vase bits that Remus hadn’t finished Transfiguring.
Remus let out a heavy sigh. It was something about animals. He made them nervous and then they did stupid things that only led to him becoming worse and worse in Transfiguration. He had once debated trying to explain it to McGonagall so she wouldn’t fail him, but he knew that she would either tell him he would just have to try harder, or she’d think it was something to do with his lycanthropy. Perhaps it was, but without any real proof of it, Remus didn’t feel like once again reminding someone how different he really was.
Before returning to the passage he’d been reading before his mind had wandered, Remus cast a swift glance at the Map. He froze.
Sirius Black was in the common room and headed toward the boys’ staircase.
Remus moved faster than he ever had in his life. He leaped off the bed, grabbed his bag, and without even checking to see what was in it, he shot towards the door.
It opened before he reached it.
Sirius walked in, saw Remus, and opened his mouth to speak.
Remus cut him off before he could even begin. “Hello, Sirius! Was just on my way to the library, awful lot of studying to do, you know me, such a swot, ha ha, I’ll see you later!” He walked quickly past Sirius towards the door but before he could reach it, a hand had grabbed at the back of his robes and pulled him back.
Damn. Maybe not so successfully avoiding him.
“Remus!” Sirius said in exasperation.
Bugger, Remus thought.
“Remus, would you just quit it already? I don’t know why you’ve gone back to avoiding me, but I’m so bloody sick of it! Just stop!”
Remus whirled to face Sirius, breaking Sirius’s grip on his robes. “That’s the problem, Sirius: I can’t just stop.”
Sirius reeled back a bit as he realized what Remus was talking about. He stared at Remus for a moment, then shook his head and plowed on. “So, what, just because you have a crush on me, we can’t be friends anymore? It’s a crush, Remus, it’ll go away!”
“The thing is, Sirius,” Remus said in clipped tones, trying to control himself, “I don’t think this is just a crush.”
That effectively quieted Sirius.
“I’ve been distancing myself from you because I believed it was just a crush. I thought it was just hormones. But now…I haven’t touched you for nearly two months now, always avoided places I knew you’d be, done everything in my power to give myself time to get over what I believed to be ‘just a crush.’ Despite all of this, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
Remus let out a ragged breath, steeling himself. He had to tell Sirius the truth. He could lie, of course he could, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good in the end: they’d just end up right back here again. He wanted to look Sirius in the eye as he said it, he really did, but he couldn’t. Speaking directly to Sirius’s foot instead, Remus firmly stated, “I’m in love with you.”
Even though he wasn’t looking at Sirius, he could tell what kind of expression Sirius would be wearing right now: like he’d just been struck between the eyes with a Beater’s bat.
“What?” Sirius asked a bit dazedly. “I mean-just-what? When did this happen? It can’t just be because-“
“Actually, I’ve given that a lot of thought,” Remus interrupted. “I couldn’t believe it myself that that silly prank had somehow made me feel…like this. Turns out it was always there. I was just very good at fooling myself.
“Do you remember the day I was released from the Hospital Wing after that incident with Snape?” Remus saw Sirius flinch at the mention of it, but he forced himself to keep speaking. “I never told you this, but I had never planned on forgiving you that quickly, if ever. You had betrayed me, told someone, however inadvertently, the one thing I had never wanted anyone to know, and nearly got three people killed because of it. I was in shock the night that you told me about what had happened, but after laying in the Hospital Wing for a week and having all that time to process it, I had managed to become so furious with you that I’d begun to wonder if I had even liked you in the first place.”
Remus was aware of the agonized expression on Sirius’s face, but he knew he had to keep talking, keep trying to make Sirius understand. “I walked through the common room and right up to the dormitory, knowing you’d be there. I planned to tell you that under no circumstances had you been forgiven and that I doubted you could ever earn back enough of my trust for me to be able to see you as a friend again.
“But I opened the dormitory door and there you were, sitting on my bed with the most haunted expression I have ever seen and holding that bloody teddy bear and all those boxes of chocolates. Looking at you…I just couldn’t work up the nerve to tell you we were no longer friends. I cared far too much about you to just write you off. I knew what you had done had been awful, but I also knew you, Sirius-you’ve always been rash, always plunged head-long into things, not thinking of the consequences until they were upon you. In the space of about two seconds, I reasoned with myself that yes, it had been an awful thing you’d done, but no one had been hurt, no one had been expelled, and you obviously understood and regretted what you’d done. I could no longer see the point in not forgiving you. So I walked up to where you sat, took that bloody teddy bear and said, ‘Thank you.’”
Remus saw Sirius open his mouth to interject, but still he could not let Sirius have his say, not yet. Remus had opened a door by starting to explain things to Sirius, and now he had to keep talking, had to justify what seemed so nonsensical and out-of-the-blue. “I suppose you could say I would have done the same for James and Peter-forgiven them. It was easy enough to tell myself so after I forgave you. But…would I? Without being in the situation, how am I to truly know? Perhaps I would…but I think not.
“I remember when you three first found out that I’m a werewolf. I could tell that Peter was terrified of me, though he tried to hide it for all our sakes. And you and James…you had both been raised in societies that are not forgiving to a werewolf’s lot. I know it was hard for you both to be able to look past what you’d been taught. Before my next transformation, I had seriously considered packing up my things and going home, believing that you three would never be able to look past my lycanthropy and accept me as the boy you’d befriended in first year. But on that first night that you three came to visit me in the hospital wing, you sat right next to my bed while James and Peter pushed their chairs back against the wall. Despite everything you’d been told about werewolves, you were so ready to accept me for me. That night has always stayed with me and made me care for you a little bit more than the others, though I never admitted it to myself before now. I care for you more than them because you were never scared of me. You were never disgusted by me. James and Peter grew to accept me, but you…your friendship has always been unconditional.
“I could talk all day about the little moments I’ve found in my memory that so easily show what I so easily ignored. I won’t bore you with that. Those two memories…they’re quite telling. Your unconditional friendship turned out to be one of the most important things to me ever-it was the one thing that kept me from leaving this school in second year. And my ability to forgive you about the one thing James has ever punched you for…it proves that you turned out to be one of the most important things to me ever.”
Sirius was smiling in a crooked, offbeat way. Remus had no idea what he might be thinking about all this-Have I finally managed to disgust him? Is he aching to run away from me now?-so he kept on talking. “I guess you could take those two memories and say how they just prove what a great friendship we have.” Had? “But throw in the fact that I’m gay and that I just broke up with possibly the most perfect human being on the planet because I couldn’t stop thinking about you and…well…there you have it. In spite of how angry you’ve made me in the past, how thoughtless you can be, how cruel you are to all those girls that hope for a little piece of Sirius Black’s heart…despite all of your imperfections and the million reasons why I shouldn’t…I love you. Because despite all those imperfections, you are still the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I’m in love with you, and you’re just so…” Remus paused, pushing a hand through his hair in frustration, “you. You have completely ruined me for anyone else. Even perfect Landon Mathers.”
Remus didn’t think he’d ever given such a long speech in all his seventeen years of life. But now it was out there, everything. He’d said all he could say on the matter, and now…
…Now he needed to get the hell out of that dormitory and away from Sirius.
“Remus-“
“No,” Remus cut Sirius off once again. “No, please, just don’t say anything. I can’t-please, I just-I really need to go now.” Remus walked to the door, then paused suddenly at the doorframe. He had left the Map lying on his bed; he knew Sirius would snatch it up the instant he saw it and use it to track down Remus. Remus felt it necessary to add, “Don’t follow me,” before disappearing down the staircase.
xXxXx
Sirius stood stock still where Remus had left him, feeling more than shocked over everything Remus had said. Love? Remus was in love with him?
Sirius laughed out loud-he couldn’t help it, it just seemed so bizarre. Honestly! Remus Lupin, in love with Sirius Black!
His laughter faded. Remus Lupin, in love with Sirius Black! Oh, no. This did not bode well.
Sirius’s mind raced. What now?
“I need James,” he said to himself. Even after acknowledging it out loud, he couldn’t quite seem to grasp it. There were about 38 different voices in his head, all shrilly singing the same thing in different tones and volumes: Remus Lupin, in love with Sirius Black!
He glanced around the room, his eyes falling on the Map that was laid out on Remus’s bed. Sirius forced himself to walk across the room toward it and pick it up. He scanned the Map for a minute.
There! he thought triumphantly. A little banner labeled “James Potter” floated in one of the unused Charms classrooms on the fourth floor.
Sirius hesitated for only a moment before saying, “Right then,” and fleeing the empty dormitory.
xXxXx
A/N: Agk, I keep inadvertently drawing things out. I originally thought this fic would only be about 15 chapters, but obviously it’s going to be more than that. I can’t say how many more chapters, especially since it seems to grow every time I try to guesstimate. So on and on this fic goes, where it shall stop, nobody knows!
Chapter One: Misconceptions and Consequences Thereof
Chapter Two: A Rather Complicated Situation
Chapter Three: The Kind Of Plan That Never Fails
Chapter Four: The Stealing of James Potter's Thunder
Chapter Five: Plotting Solo for a Change
Chapter Six: Provocation and It's Appeal
Chapter Seven: Bursting the Metaphorical Bubble
Chapter Eight: The Nervous Game
Chapter Nine: Hot and Bothered
Chapter Ten: How The Story Ends, Part One
Chapter Eleven: Three Awkward Conversations
Chapter Twelve: Dinner and a Show
Chapter Thirteen: Mates, Dates, and Dungbombs
Chapter Fourteen: The Climax and the Conclusion