Many Movies Monitored!
Oh summer blockbusters, so full of cheesy badness and brainless substance. I just can't get enough of you. But before we get to the main event, here's some blurbs about other movies, just because I've been watching a lot of movies and DVDs lately...
The Matrix 1/2/3 - Sat down for an epic afternoon of trilogy goodness. "Goodness" is pretty relative, though; after a second viewing, I still agree that the first movie kicked ass and 2 and 3 did not. The high point of those films might have been Monica Bellucci. Rawr.
The Black Cauldron - This is an ancient Disney film which somehow I missed when it came out. It features a boy with delusions of grandeur, a magical pig, a princess, and a lich. A minstrel gets turned into a frog and gets squeezed inside some bosoms in a remarkably un-Disney-like moment. Maybe not one of Disney's finest, but in skipping the musical numbers and killing the annoying sidekick, it earns a few points above average.
The Rundown - The Rock, Christopher Walken, and Seann William Scott. I guess this falls under "action-comedy". Surprisingly good and surprisingly funnier than one would expect. I think it's worth the rental price. Also, monkeys. Can't go wrong with monkeys trying to have sex with The Rock.
Drag Me To Hell - Sam Raimi, unsurprisingly, does cheesy horror right. If you missed this in the theaters earlier this summer, that's too bad. You've got your cheap scares, your ambient sound, lurking evil, surprises, obvious surprises, and a talking goat. And a lot of mucousy slime-vomit for good measure. Did I mention a talking goat?
G-Force - Yeah, there's no really good justification for this. Sentient hamster superspies go up against Bill Nighy and an army of robotic appliances. I assure you that that one sentence is cooler than this entire movie. Go only if you have kids and/or a total lack of self-respect.
The Iron Giant - Vin Diesel's biggest role ever! Okay, that was a poor joke. But he does provide the voice for the titular character, as a robot from Parts Unknown crash-lands in Cold War/Space Race Middle America. Wacky hijinks ensue.
Right. Onward and upward with the big goods!
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
When "Transformers" came out two years ago, pretty much everyone was completely surprised at how much it actually didn't suck. Really, it could easily have gone the way of so many other "old TV show to new movie" films. And yet, it managed to do things right. This, of course, led to someone saying "Let's do it again, only bigger and better!" Cheeky sequels. To be fair, they did get the "bigger" part right. Alas, as with most sequels, the "better" part was all too elusive.
The plot: Giant robots beat the hell out of each other, unsurprisingly. Shia and Megan are just around to look good.
The pros: Well, if you want robots beating the hell out of each other, you've come to the right place. If you want to admire Shia LaBoeuf's or Megan Fox's hotness, I guess this is the right place too. Old Transformers fans will be happy to see a bunch of classic name-dropping, like Jetfire, Devastator, Arcee, the Matrix of Leadership, and of course our old friends Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee, and Starscream. Also, props for giving Devastator a pair of enormous testicles. Potty humor is always funny.
The cons: Never has watching giant robots beating the hell out of each other seemed so tedious. The plot is even weaker than can be expected from a summer action blockbuster, basically centering around Megatron's boss "The Fallen" who wants to blow up the sun and harvest all its energy output, and the humans and their Autobot buddies trying to get to the right place at the right time all the while enduring pathetic human drama. Just like the first movie, any scene in which humans are talking or doing stuff is utterly boring and pointless, while any scene where robots are fighting is much more interesting. And, of course, enough heroes and villains survive such that "Transformers 3" can only be two summers away. This more than anything is painful to contemplate.
The verdict: Spare yourself the big bucks for the big screen, go to Blockbuster, and rent the first movie instead. Hell, if you rent "Transformers: The Movie" from the 80's when the cartoon was still running, it's STILL a better movie than this. Funnier too. "Tell Grimlock about petro-rabbits again."
Disclaimer: I'm certainly not going to cast stones at Megan Fox's hotness. But it sure isn't enough to carry this movie. Monica Bellucci carries much more and much better in Matrix 2 and 3. I think I just made a bad joke.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
And here I am, six movies in and I still have not read a single book. So, here's the movie review unfettered by the book's heavy load of background material.
This movie should really be called "Harry Potter and the Onset of Puberty", because that's more or less what the film was about: teenage wizards getting it on. Okay, that's an oversimplification, but just barely. It's a bit of a letdown from the previous film, which was much more of an action-packed adventure. This almost turned into a romcom. Didn't see that coming.
The plot: Besides all the snogging, Harry tries to learn more about Voldemort, and wacky hijinks ensue as usual.
The pros: The romcom aspect is surprisingly non-schmaltzy and done in a manner that's better than most romcoms in the first place. Now that is irony. The best sequence in the film is not the grand finale in which OH NOEZ SNAPE KILLZ DUMBLEDORE (this would never have happened if Dumbledore had been played by Bruce Willis, you know. "Havra Kadavra, motherfucker!"), but rather the sequence where Harry drinks the luck potion and gets the information he's looking for by unexpected means.
The cons: The book is jammed with a lot more relevant information, and while it's understandable that not everything can make it in, the result is, like the previous film, a final product that feels unfinished and jerks about from part to part without suitable transition. The question of "Who is the Half-Blood Prince?" is answered so bluntly that it comes across as the conclusion to a Scooby Doo episode. "Old man Snape?" - "Arrr! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling teenage wizards!" Except that I guess he does get away with it.
The verdict: I guess this is like the "middle movie" in a trilogy, which isn't always as good as the other two endpoints. Except it's not a trilogy. But... eh, whatever. I'm very certain this is a case of "the book makes everything much clearer".
Disclaimer: As Ron and Harry discuss girls and their "nice skin", I couldn't help but imagine Ron making a wizard robe out of skins a la "Silence of the Lambs". "It puts the potion in the basket or it gets the Crucio!"
Disclaimer: Shame on this film advertising "Now in IMAX 3D!" It's in 3D for the first 20 minutes of the film. What happens in those 20 minutes? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. A store explodes, the Millennium Bridge goes wonky, and Harry and Dumbledore have a conversation with Slughorn. That's it. Not even any cheap "COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU!" effects. It's the biggest waste of 3D technology ever. What a complete waste of money and effort. Wankers.
Tune in next time when I shed my dignity to watch "G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra". YOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOE!!!!
The Matrix 1/2/3 - Sat down for an epic afternoon of trilogy goodness. "Goodness" is pretty relative, though; after a second viewing, I still agree that the first movie kicked ass and 2 and 3 did not. The high point of those films might have been Monica Bellucci. Rawr.
The Black Cauldron - This is an ancient Disney film which somehow I missed when it came out. It features a boy with delusions of grandeur, a magical pig, a princess, and a lich. A minstrel gets turned into a frog and gets squeezed inside some bosoms in a remarkably un-Disney-like moment. Maybe not one of Disney's finest, but in skipping the musical numbers and killing the annoying sidekick, it earns a few points above average.
The Rundown - The Rock, Christopher Walken, and Seann William Scott. I guess this falls under "action-comedy". Surprisingly good and surprisingly funnier than one would expect. I think it's worth the rental price. Also, monkeys. Can't go wrong with monkeys trying to have sex with The Rock.
Drag Me To Hell - Sam Raimi, unsurprisingly, does cheesy horror right. If you missed this in the theaters earlier this summer, that's too bad. You've got your cheap scares, your ambient sound, lurking evil, surprises, obvious surprises, and a talking goat. And a lot of mucousy slime-vomit for good measure. Did I mention a talking goat?
G-Force - Yeah, there's no really good justification for this. Sentient hamster superspies go up against Bill Nighy and an army of robotic appliances. I assure you that that one sentence is cooler than this entire movie. Go only if you have kids and/or a total lack of self-respect.
The Iron Giant - Vin Diesel's biggest role ever! Okay, that was a poor joke. But he does provide the voice for the titular character, as a robot from Parts Unknown crash-lands in Cold War/Space Race Middle America. Wacky hijinks ensue.
Right. Onward and upward with the big goods!
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
When "Transformers" came out two years ago, pretty much everyone was completely surprised at how much it actually didn't suck. Really, it could easily have gone the way of so many other "old TV show to new movie" films. And yet, it managed to do things right. This, of course, led to someone saying "Let's do it again, only bigger and better!" Cheeky sequels. To be fair, they did get the "bigger" part right. Alas, as with most sequels, the "better" part was all too elusive.
The plot: Giant robots beat the hell out of each other, unsurprisingly. Shia and Megan are just around to look good.
The pros: Well, if you want robots beating the hell out of each other, you've come to the right place. If you want to admire Shia LaBoeuf's or Megan Fox's hotness, I guess this is the right place too. Old Transformers fans will be happy to see a bunch of classic name-dropping, like Jetfire, Devastator, Arcee, the Matrix of Leadership, and of course our old friends Optimus Prime, Megatron, Bumblebee, and Starscream. Also, props for giving Devastator a pair of enormous testicles. Potty humor is always funny.
The cons: Never has watching giant robots beating the hell out of each other seemed so tedious. The plot is even weaker than can be expected from a summer action blockbuster, basically centering around Megatron's boss "The Fallen" who wants to blow up the sun and harvest all its energy output, and the humans and their Autobot buddies trying to get to the right place at the right time all the while enduring pathetic human drama. Just like the first movie, any scene in which humans are talking or doing stuff is utterly boring and pointless, while any scene where robots are fighting is much more interesting. And, of course, enough heroes and villains survive such that "Transformers 3" can only be two summers away. This more than anything is painful to contemplate.
The verdict: Spare yourself the big bucks for the big screen, go to Blockbuster, and rent the first movie instead. Hell, if you rent "Transformers: The Movie" from the 80's when the cartoon was still running, it's STILL a better movie than this. Funnier too. "Tell Grimlock about petro-rabbits again."
Disclaimer: I'm certainly not going to cast stones at Megan Fox's hotness. But it sure isn't enough to carry this movie. Monica Bellucci carries much more and much better in Matrix 2 and 3. I think I just made a bad joke.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
And here I am, six movies in and I still have not read a single book. So, here's the movie review unfettered by the book's heavy load of background material.
This movie should really be called "Harry Potter and the Onset of Puberty", because that's more or less what the film was about: teenage wizards getting it on. Okay, that's an oversimplification, but just barely. It's a bit of a letdown from the previous film, which was much more of an action-packed adventure. This almost turned into a romcom. Didn't see that coming.
The plot: Besides all the snogging, Harry tries to learn more about Voldemort, and wacky hijinks ensue as usual.
The pros: The romcom aspect is surprisingly non-schmaltzy and done in a manner that's better than most romcoms in the first place. Now that is irony. The best sequence in the film is not the grand finale in which OH NOEZ SNAPE KILLZ DUMBLEDORE (this would never have happened if Dumbledore had been played by Bruce Willis, you know. "Havra Kadavra, motherfucker!"), but rather the sequence where Harry drinks the luck potion and gets the information he's looking for by unexpected means.
The cons: The book is jammed with a lot more relevant information, and while it's understandable that not everything can make it in, the result is, like the previous film, a final product that feels unfinished and jerks about from part to part without suitable transition. The question of "Who is the Half-Blood Prince?" is answered so bluntly that it comes across as the conclusion to a Scooby Doo episode. "Old man Snape?" - "Arrr! And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling teenage wizards!" Except that I guess he does get away with it.
The verdict: I guess this is like the "middle movie" in a trilogy, which isn't always as good as the other two endpoints. Except it's not a trilogy. But... eh, whatever. I'm very certain this is a case of "the book makes everything much clearer".
Disclaimer: As Ron and Harry discuss girls and their "nice skin", I couldn't help but imagine Ron making a wizard robe out of skins a la "Silence of the Lambs". "It puts the potion in the basket or it gets the Crucio!"
Disclaimer: Shame on this film advertising "Now in IMAX 3D!" It's in 3D for the first 20 minutes of the film. What happens in those 20 minutes? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. A store explodes, the Millennium Bridge goes wonky, and Harry and Dumbledore have a conversation with Slughorn. That's it. Not even any cheap "COMING STRAIGHT AT YOU!" effects. It's the biggest waste of 3D technology ever. What a complete waste of money and effort. Wankers.
Tune in next time when I shed my dignity to watch "G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra". YOOOOOOOO JOOOOOOOE!!!!