To The Real Sin City!
In the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." He was speaking of Mos Eisley spaceport, but truly, had he ever visited Las Vegas, he could have said the exact same thing. And I did too.
First, the business end. MAIA (the Martial Arts Industry Association) has a conference every year, focused on helping martial arts businesses strengthen themselves and their instructors, share working business practices, try out new programs and curricula, and so on and so forth. My karate instructor and his wife go to this thing every year to check things out and see what they can find that could improve the school. Usually they bring along a small team of instructors to attend seminars with them. Also usually, I hold the fort and run the school in their absence. This year, they invited me to join the fracas. The goal was simple: attend a variety of seminars, learn, report, and then we go on vacation. Seems simple enough. This year, the conference was in Las Vegas (it alternates between LV and Florida, I think), and I've never been there before, so wheeee, party time!
A few other people joined us. Key among them were two teenage girls, age 13 and 17. They were the head of their respective black belt classes this year, and the chief instructor felt that it would be cool to reward them with an invite to attend. Naturally, they both accepted. For the sake of anonymity, we'll code name them Artemis (age 13) and Shaft (age 17). Also joining us was the chief instructor's son, code name Leroy (age...18ish?), another senior instructor and his wife (Reo and Mace, respectively). And now the party is complete.
Day 1: Sunday, 5 July 2009
Reo and Mace actually arrived two days before to get some private vacation time in. Good for them.
I got an early flight on Sunday. We'll call it flight number SB4. That stands for FOUR SCREAMING BABIES in my section of the plane. Since that ruled naptime right out, I set my iPod to Rupture Eardrums and settled down for five hours of Continental Airlines' finest service. On that note, I think charging for luggage is shenanigans - yes, charge for overweight, or excess baggage. But come on, charging even for one piece? You are a bunch of whores, Airline Industry, and I will have my revenge! But that will have to wait for another day.
I arrive in Las Vegas and it is warm. It should be noted that, over here in New Jersey, we had had rainy weather for about 25 of the previous 30 days. Going from damp 70's to dry 100's was, needless to say, a shock to the system. "It's a dry heat!" you say. So is an oven when you roast a chicken; I'd like to hear his opinion on the pleasantness of a dry heat.
Okay, I know there's a significant difference between 100 and 400 Fahrenheit. I'm being facetious here. Just shut up and read.
Still, that whole area of the southwest has some beautiful scenery. Back in the day when ladybugbutt and drkodos lived in Tucson, Arizona, I would visit a lot and just revel in the scenery, the mountains and the deserts, the sheer difference of it all. Going to the Desert Museum, or Mt. Lemmon, or Saguaro National Park, or the Grand Canyon, or Montezuma's Castle - it was awesome stuff. I recommend it highly to anyone who is looking for a vacation and hasn't been to Arizona. But I'm digressing. The point is, Las Vegas is a big sprawling city in the middle of a bigger sprawling desert, with some mountains hanging around for good measure. Mmmmm, sweet tasty scenery. I love me some picturesque chunks of nature.
But first, duty calls. I report to the MGM Grand Hotel and check in. This is my first taste of Las Vegas's strip, and it is... something else. Big? Shiny? Gaudy? All of the above, and more. There is an enormous bronze lion in front of the hotel. There are REAL FUCKING LIONS near the casino. (You may be thinking "Jesus Christ, it's a lion! Get in the car!" Alas, I had no car; I was easy prey for the lion, which was not in Kenya.) Crazy stuff. I get my room (which wasn't anything special, aside from the pimp couch along the window), and receive a text message from the Chief: "Find beer before we land." And off I go!
No wait, first I turn on the news and unpack. Hey look, weather report! The temperatures in Las Vegas for the next seven days will be 103, 104, 108, 107, 110, 104, 109. I am becoming less and less enamored of the use of a third digit for temperature. Maybe I should start converting to Celsius because it looks smaller. 39.4, 40, 42.2, 41.7, 43.3, 40, and 42.8 sound so much nicer.
I head south to look for beer. I learn relatively quickly that, like many places, gas stations and convenience stores sell booze. Happy day! I also see the Luxor, a giant black pyramid, and notice that, in order to advertise for the new Transformers movie, an enormous image of Optimus Prime dominates an entire face of the pyramid. Now that is one huge-ass advertisement. His glowing blue eyes follow me down the road, watching to see if I will descend into sin and debauchery. Curse your vigilance, Optimus!
Oh, look, it's sin and debauchery! I learn quickly that I can dial a number and have "hot girls delivered to my door in 20 minutes". I wonder: if they arrive late, is the girl free? Oh, and the advertisement is not merely on a business card being handed out by some street hustler, or in a pamphlet available in a newsbox. No, it's on the side of an advertising truck, with picture, in 10x20 foot glory. Now that I was not expecting.
Dear former Governor Spitzer and current Governor Sanford: No, they cannot cross the state borders. You have to come here to get your kicks.
Eventually I discover a convenience store right next to the hotel, acquire beer, and all is well. I continue exploring.
"Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!"
The lion exhibit would have 1-2 lions at a time, and their handlers would hang out inside and hand them toys, like giant rubber balls. What a great job description: "I handle lion balls." That's a mighty job right there!
The rest of the team arrives later that night, we share a beer, and sleep.
Day 2: Monday, 6 July 2009
The convention begins! Luckily, my part didn't begin until later, so I slept in. Artemis and Shaft go down for their seminar with the Chief, and on the way they pass a booth saying "sign up here and you might get a chance to model for our next catalog!" They sign up, and eventually get the rest of us to sign up as well. Oddly enough, the girls get called and invited to a photo shoot. More on that later.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I go to the buffet. Most hotels feature a buffet of excellence, in which food of quality is served in mass quantities to the masses. I'm certainly not one to pass up a buffet, so in we went. Needless to say, after an hour of OM NOM NOM, we were utterly paralyzed by food. It was incredible. And the desserts... mmmmmmmm. Buffet for the win.
Everyone meets up to wander around the exhibit hall for a bit, and we got to see some neat things and meet some cool people.
Bill Wallace later advised us and our students that "kicking people is okay" and told them to "keep training hard or he would reach out and pull their noses off." Gotta respect that.
I plan on wearing this shirt the next time I have to teach 5-yr-olds. "Behave, or face THE GRIM FUCKING REAPER! ON FIRE!"
The evening's opening ceremonies featured a two-and-a-half hour pep seminar with motivational speaker/life strategist Tony Robbins. Man, me and motivational speakers just aren't a good mix; I'm just not... motivated enough. And all that touchy-feely-lovey stuff gives me the booboojeebies. But hey, I give in and say, "let's have some fun." And so, in all the audience participation exercises he shared, I made sure to share more than necessary.
Example One: "Find one person and try to convince them of something. First, do it with a complete lack of energy and interest. Next, do it with maximum energy and feeling."
I'm teamed up with Artemis on this one. She tries to convince me to learn another language, and in her radical excitement and energy, she yells "Languages are great! You can communicate with anyone! You should learn, uh... Canadian! Then you could talk to Canadians and wow!" Even as she's focusing on "maximum energy", she's realizing that there's something wrong with her argument. But it's lost in the heat of the moment. In response, I scream back at her "Transformers! The movie! It's got GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER! Holy shit that's so awesome, I'm going to see it again!" And then I lose my train of thought, so I shout "GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS!" about six more times before she finally loses control and laughs in my face.
Example Two: "Find five or six people and try to convince them of something which you don't actually believe in, but do it anyway with maximum energy and feeling."
I don't have the slightest idea what the other people in my group were shouting about, because I was screaming "I FUCKING LOVE HIPPIES!" at the top of my lungs.
All that screaming might have made us drink more beer.
Day 3: Tuesday, 7 June 2009
Seminars. Seminars are boring. Plain and simple. Still, got to learn a few interesting things about the industry and business in general, so I guess that's a good thing. Also, got to meet some UFC fighters.
On a related note, at the end of this week, the UFC was having its 100th championship fight at the Mandalay Bay hotel, just down the road. Now, I'm no real fan; I've seen some UFC fights before, and it's ok to watch, but I'm no more likely to recognize a UFC champion than I am a football or baseball star. Pro sports, as always, are way outside of my knowledge base. However, if someone says "Hey, get a picture with that guy because he's awesome," well, I'm easy, I'll take a picture with anyone. So somewhere out there (in someone else's camera because mine chose to break) is a picture of me and Chuck Liddell. If you know UFC, then you might recognize the name. That puts you ahead of me by a lot. Anyway, this paragraph is still irrelevant. Mostly.
In the evening, we went out as a group and hopped through a few of the hotels to the south. Artemis was enamored of the roller coaster that was mounted around the New York, New York hotel (designed in the shape of the NYC skyline, complete w/Brooklyn Bridge and Statue of Liberty) (oooh, like I don't see that every day), but we had to point out to her that...
...she had to be "this tall" to ride this ride.
We also made it to the Luxor, which at night shoots a gigantic laser beam from the peak of the pyramid into the sky. This probably serves no useful purpose, although coincidentally it's a great navigational aid. "Where the hell am I going... oh, there's the Luxor, great!" Unsurprisingly, the Luxor boasts an Egyptian theme, complete with Sphinx, pharaohs, and jackal statues...
Captain chaosvizier and Captain Leroy say, "Drink rum and stand on something. It's the right thing to do!"
Nearby was the Mandalay Bay. They have sharks. I might have said that Sharks trump Lions (haha, "trump", I see what I did there), but you had to pay to see their sharks, while our lions were freebies. Free lions for the win!
Also, in case you forgot, I'm actually twelve.
No, scratch that: I'm actually eleven. One of the first things I noticed upon arrival at the hotel was that across the street were the largest hooters I'd ever seen. You might be thinking, "Well, DUH, Las Vegas, right?" But in fact I mean that Hooters (the restaurant chain) has its own massive hotel/casino/restaurant complex, with dozens of "Hooters" logos facing every direction. So, for most of the week, whenever we stepped outside, or looked out a window, I said, "Huh huh, big hooters, huh huh." Yeah, I know. My bad.
Day 4: Wednesday, 8 July 2009
More seminars. Self-explanatory. But it was the last day of the conference, so woohoo, funtime!
I got to learn how to pump up a class with energy in three easy phrases: "Oh yeah!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "What's my name?" Needless to say, I ignored everything the seminar offered and instead focused on pretending I was Kool-Aid Man for the next six days. OH YEAAAAAAH!!!!
Also, I might have convinced Artemis and Shaft to shout "Say my name, bitch!" repeatedly. My bad, again.
Artemis and Shaft had their photo shoot. It was pretty cool to watch, especially once we found out that they would definitely be in the next catalog. They took hundreds of shots in a variety of uniforms and poses, holding weapons, doing stunts and tricks, and so on. Not long after them, however, came a professional: the choreographer for the videos for the Black Eyed Peas. She was absolutely phenomenal, and super-flexible. Her spine bent in ways that caused my back to spasm in revolt. Artemis and Shaft got to meet her and get a photo op. I was still in pain just from watching her routines.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I went out for martinis at a steakhouse restaurant. Well, ok, I had a gin and tonic, but hey, I love my gin. Tasty.
Day 5: Thursday, 9 July 2009
We devoted this day to casino hopping, because admittedly, every hotel and casino on the strip is an amazing piece of work, whether thematically, artistically, or architecturally. However, to satisfy poor Artemis, we hit up the roller coaster at New York, New York and rode it. Six times. In a row. Why? BECAUSE WE'RE EXTREEEEEEEME! Also, no line and no wait. Then we started walking and pointing at things. I may have said "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament!" about, uh, twenty times.
That's right, no trip to Vegas is complete without Elvis. Ok, it's a ceramic Elvis. Sometimes you just gotta make do.
Of course, sometimes you just have to chill out and look cool.
This little girl and her cat agreed with everything I had to say. It's hard to find a person who's willing to listen, you know.
I tried to help Shaft and Artemis steal this magic crystal ball from the Bellagio Hotel, but alas it proved too heavy even for the three of us.
Any number of things got kicked in the beanbag over the course of the week. Statues, cardboard cut-outs, even weird twig sculptures of bears were not safe from our groin kicking fury.
Snails do not have nuts, so alas, no kicking. You win this round, but next time I'll have a salt shaker with me, and then we'll see who's laughing.
We visited Paris, The Venetian, The Bellagio, Caesar's Palace, Excalibur, New York New York, Harrah's, and some other things. Caesar's Palace was chock full of Greco-Roman art mockups, including a 20' tall statue of King David. Yeah, I know, not exactly the most Greco-Roman of dudes, but whatever. He was nekkid. Chief grabbed Artemis by the eyes and said "Don't look up." Shaft, however, stood directly underneath, aimed her camera nutward, and fired. Now that's balls.
The day concluded with dinner and a Cirque du Soleil show. These Cirque guys are everywhere. They're like secret agents, infiltrating every hotel with a team of ultra-flexible gymnastic mercenaries and then holding audiences hostage for their cash while they prance around and demonstrate their physical awesomeness to all. And, to be fair, they're pretty good at that. So there we are at Ka, a martial arts-themed Cirque show, watching some really crazy gymnasts do some really crazy shit. They fought on a platform that rotated in three dimensions and had spikes sticking out of it. There was a Wheel of Death. There was a flying bat plane thingy made of people. There was apparently a plot as well, but shit if I could figure it out. As far as I could tell, this is the complete story of Ka:
1) Meet the heroes! A prince and a princess (brother and sister) frolic in the palace. They play flutes. This was the easiest part of the plot to understand.
2) OH NOEZ! An evil warlord and his army of scaly dragon dudes stages a rebellion and kills the Emperor and his men. Brother and Sister are split up: Brother has the Captain of the Guard with him, while Sister has a busty matron, most of the royal court, and two... comic relief sidekicks.
3) Evil Warlord is apparently being prodded by Evil Wizard and his, uh, Old Clog-Wearing Partner Dude. Evil Wizard wants to take skulls, put them in a Wheel of Death, and turn them into flashy explosive powder. YA RLY.
4) Sister and co. are on a ship at sea. It's stormy. Most of the royal court falls off the boat and drown. Sister falls off and someone saves her. Or maybe vice versa.
5) Brother and Captain wander around a bunch. Brother plays his flute to remind him of his sister. Captain won't stand for that shit and drags him around more. Then they play Shadow Hand Puppets and feel better.
6) Sister, matron, and comic relief team arrive on a beach. Sister and Matron go look for stuff. Comic relief team get attacked by a giant potato bug, a giant starfish, and a giant sea turtle. The giant starfish flips them off. Still not making stuff up.
7) Ambush! Scaly dragon dudes attack the beach party with arrows and gymnasts. Beach party escapes.
8) Ambush! Scaly dragon dudes attack Brother and Captain and capture them. They get put into small wheel-shaped cages.
9) Evil Wizard is building a large-scale Wheel of Death so he can put... whole people in at a time, instead of just skulls? Maybe? He gets distracted because Evil Warlord's daughter is playing Sister's flute, which I guess she found in the palace somewhere, and then does a dance with it. She does not go to band camp. Evil Warlord has a dispute with Evil Wizard, and Evil Wizard locks him up and takes control with Old Clog Dude.
10) Sister and co. are in a jungle. Which might have been near the beach? She hangs out with a loincloth wearing Tarzan wannabe and maybe they fall in some kind of forbidden jungle love? I'm not sure what was up with that, except there was a giant snake in the background.
11) Brother is stuck in a wheelycage. He plays his flute. Evil Warlord's daughter comes and finds him and plays the other flute. Then she helps him escape, they share a moment of forbidden love, and then Brother saves the Captain and they take off. I think Brother freed Evil Warlord too as a favor to his daughter.
12) Sister and co. are on an icy mountain. Seriously, how the fuck do they get from place to place? Is there some easy hiking trail from desert to jungle to the Alps? But wait, it's not a mountain, it's a glacier, because there are Eskimo dudes who just caught some fish, and they live in a hut on top of the glacier, and the hut transforms into a ROFLcopter flying glider thing, I SHIT YOU NOT. I call shenanigans right here. But, uh, Sister and co. take off in the ROFLcopter and fly around, and then Sister loses her grip and plummets to the ground below.
13) Brother and Captain are wandering around, and then Sister lands in their arms. Damn, that's some convenient shit right there.
14) Wheel of Death! The Wheel of Death goes round and round, and there are some gymnast dudes doing stunts in and around the wheel, and... you know, I don't think there was a point to this scene.
15) Final Battle! Brother, Sister, and a band of fish men (I'm really not sure where these guys came from...) have a showdown against Old Clog Man and his scaly dragon dudes. I think Brother wins? There was a lot of jumping around, and admittedly it looked really cool with the harnesses and the mock view from overhead and the flying and stuff.
16) Victory! Brother and Sister are reunited in the palace with everyone who was good. And then Evil Wizard does something and HOLY SHIT EXPLOSIONS AND A FLAMING SPIRAL OF DEATH. Does everyone die? Does evil triumph over good? I don't know because my retinas were seared off by that last special effect.
You think I'm making this up? Well, they started it.
However, the really cool ending to this story is that, thanks to some of our contacts in the convention, we knew someone who had trained a member of the cast, and they got us into the backstage. Plot be damned; this is where the real action was.
I honestly don't remember who was wearing these damn fuzzy pants. Maybe the roflcopter Eskimos?
Shaft and I borrowed some of the prop weapons and demanded margaritas.
That would be me checking out the matron's breastplate. I have no shame.
Day 6: Friday, 10 July 2009
We had planned for this day to be the "Get Out Of Vegas" day. We rented a minivan to haul our asses out into the desert. Our plan was to find the Hoover Dam (Chief had been excited about seeing this all week), and then either follow the lake north or the river south.
Chief: Man, it'll be good to get out of this... this artificialness. I want to get out of the Strip and see the mountains and the desert, you know, something that's not man-made.
Me: Yeah, like the Hoover Dam!
Chief: Ye- Shut up.
Half an hour later, we're at the Hoover Dam. If you've never seen the Hoover Dam before, rest assured, this thing is incredible. It is massive. It is frighteningly tall. It looks like the biggest skateboarder's halfpipe ever built.
Educational summary: The Colorado river was redirected via four huge tunnels so that the dam could be built on dryish land. Oodles of construction workers built the dam in FOUR YEARS. Nowadays with unions and rules and stuff, you can't even dig a basement in four years. This is like a 70-story building that's a half mile wide. Cheeky rules, slowing us down. Once the dam was finished and the water returned to normal, a lake (Lake Mead) built up behind the dam, and a peaceful Colorado River continued to flow south of the dam. The dam provides hydroelectric power to a helluva lot of places, and controls the river's violent flooding.
Also, they're building a new bridge over it to improve traffic. The distance from bridge to water has got to be over a thousand feet.
The tour takes us down into the depths of the dam itself, where we see the water tubes and the turbines. Here the guide explains how the magnets spin around a central shaft to generate electricity.
"Wow... that's a big shaft," says Shaft, earning her nickname on the spot. Just in case her hijinks at Caesar's Palace did not.
As we left the dam (and all the dam jokes it implied) behind, Artemis asked, "So... what did they build the dam for?"
Chief: "Basically they wanted a lake to put all their boats on. Otherwise they couldn't go sailing and jetskiing and stuff."
Artemis: "Oohhh... yeah, that makes sense."
*headsteeringwheel*
South of the dam we drove, stopping for lunch in Boulder City at a nice Moroccan place (Moroccan? WTF? and yet tasty), until we hit El Dorado Canyon, where a lot of gold mines were, and some other stuff. Oh yeah, a canyon. With some enlightening rock formations...
There's really no excuse for this, except that it practically screamed to be done.
The road ended at a scenic overlook, and a trail took us down to the river itself. Everyone else jumped in; I am utterly aquaphobic and so I just trailed my hand in the river and enjoyed the scenery while looking for scorpions to put in Artemis's shoes. It was beautiful, clear, clean water, with mountains and stuff all around. Alas, not a scorpion in sight, so we went back home instead.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I got tickets to see Howie Mandell in the evening. That was about two hours of nonstop laughter. I never knew he was the voice of Gizmo in Gremlins. Go figure.
Day 7: Saturday, 11 July 2009
With the big UFC100 fight going on that evening, all the action was at the Mandalay Bay. Chief wanted to go see the exposition they were having, and so we went. But, oh snag! Access cards for the show were $60 each. That was a steep price for us... until Mrs. Chief went to the exit, bargained with a few people who were leaving, and bought three passes for $20 each. With a little finagling, we brought the whole team inside, and we were good to go.
Noticing the abundance of scantily-clad women promoting various booths and products, I remarked, "Say, this place is a lot sexier than MAIA's boring conference. We should tell MAIA they need to sex themselves up a bit to get popular."
The expo was relatively boring; I don't know much about the UFC, so I got a bunch of autographs that mean nothing to me. The one I did get that was cool was Ernie Reyes Jr., who was in The Rundown with The Rock and Christopher Walken. If you haven't seen that movie, and you like random action-comedies, I give it thumbs up. Then I drank a whole bunch of free nutritional supplements because all the booths had them, and then I followed that up with free beer at the Bud Light booth. I'm personally surprised that I didn't crap out a Schwarzeneggarian loaf of bread that evening.
I can't believe they gave Shaft a Bud Light.
Take that, Brock Lesnar. Even kicking his image hurt, the dude's so enormous.
Oh no! I finally receive my comeuppance at the hands of Bruce Lee.
After more wandering and some shopping and stuff, we headed back to the hotel to visit our good friend Fast.
Who is Fast, you ask? Well, near the MGM's Lion Habitat (in which there are REAL FUCKING LIONS, as I mentioned) (we had to spend a little time explaining to Artemis why there were lions at the MGM. "It's like those movies and TV shows, where at the very beginning you see the lion head in the circled frame, and it roars? You know those? They're produced by MGM. Like the hotel we're in." - "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.") is a place called The Rainforest Cafe. Part cafe, part souvenir shop, like so many other places in Las Vegas. In the space between the shop and the cafe is a large aquarium. This is where Fast lives.
The aquarium consists of two large cylinders connected at the top by a long straight tube. People proceed into the cafe from the shop by walking between the cylinders and under the tube. Inside each cylinder is a tower of fake coral, giving the fish somewhere to hang out when they're not hanging out somewhere else.
Fast is some kind of orangeish fish. His species is unimportant. His actions are what makes him unique. Fast will do the following, without fail:
1) Starting from the connecting tube, he will proceed left toward Cylinder A.
2) Upon arriving at Cylinder A, he will make a full circle clockwise around the fake coral tower until he comes back to the entrance to the connecting tube.
3) He will enter the tube and proceed right toward Cylinder B.
4) Upon arriving at Cylinder B, he will begin to make a circle counterclockwise around the fake coral tower.
5) However, after swimming no more than twenty inches into Cylinder B, he will abruptly turn around and head back into the connecting tube.
6) Once in the connecting tube, he will proceed left toward Cylinder A and repeat steps 1 through 5 exactly.
We first noticed Fast on Day 2. We watched him do nine iterations of this pattern. Again, I shit you not. We left and came back later in the evening. HE WAS STILL DOING THE SAME THING. Next day? Same thing. Next day? Still going. Day after day after day, we would show up, watch him do three or four rounds, and move on. Who can say what's going on in that tiny little fish brain of his? It is one of life's eternal mysteries.
To thank them for the good time, I took Chief and Mrs. Chief out to see the UFC100 fight on a big-screen TV display in the MGM Garden Center Arena. (Tickets to the actual fight were of course sold out, although scalpers were hocking ringside seats on ebay for THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. ARE YOU FUCKERS INSANE?) It was fun, we enjoyed the fights, and then we had dinner at Wolfgang Puck's. OM NOM NOM. Followed by martinis and gin. Because, hey, is there ever a wrong time for gin? No way, I say.
Day 8: Sunday, 12 July 2009
Let's fly home. Oh wait, let's sit on the tarmac for an hour, make a refueling stop in Kansas City, and arrive two hours late instead. Yeah, that sounds much cooler.
Grumble.
Nonetheless, an awesome week. Even more pics coming up later when other folks share with me.
First, the business end. MAIA (the Martial Arts Industry Association) has a conference every year, focused on helping martial arts businesses strengthen themselves and their instructors, share working business practices, try out new programs and curricula, and so on and so forth. My karate instructor and his wife go to this thing every year to check things out and see what they can find that could improve the school. Usually they bring along a small team of instructors to attend seminars with them. Also usually, I hold the fort and run the school in their absence. This year, they invited me to join the fracas. The goal was simple: attend a variety of seminars, learn, report, and then we go on vacation. Seems simple enough. This year, the conference was in Las Vegas (it alternates between LV and Florida, I think), and I've never been there before, so wheeee, party time!
A few other people joined us. Key among them were two teenage girls, age 13 and 17. They were the head of their respective black belt classes this year, and the chief instructor felt that it would be cool to reward them with an invite to attend. Naturally, they both accepted. For the sake of anonymity, we'll code name them Artemis (age 13) and Shaft (age 17). Also joining us was the chief instructor's son, code name Leroy (age...18ish?), another senior instructor and his wife (Reo and Mace, respectively). And now the party is complete.
Day 1: Sunday, 5 July 2009
Reo and Mace actually arrived two days before to get some private vacation time in. Good for them.
I got an early flight on Sunday. We'll call it flight number SB4. That stands for FOUR SCREAMING BABIES in my section of the plane. Since that ruled naptime right out, I set my iPod to Rupture Eardrums and settled down for five hours of Continental Airlines' finest service. On that note, I think charging for luggage is shenanigans - yes, charge for overweight, or excess baggage. But come on, charging even for one piece? You are a bunch of whores, Airline Industry, and I will have my revenge! But that will have to wait for another day.
I arrive in Las Vegas and it is warm. It should be noted that, over here in New Jersey, we had had rainy weather for about 25 of the previous 30 days. Going from damp 70's to dry 100's was, needless to say, a shock to the system. "It's a dry heat!" you say. So is an oven when you roast a chicken; I'd like to hear his opinion on the pleasantness of a dry heat.
Okay, I know there's a significant difference between 100 and 400 Fahrenheit. I'm being facetious here. Just shut up and read.
Still, that whole area of the southwest has some beautiful scenery. Back in the day when ladybugbutt and drkodos lived in Tucson, Arizona, I would visit a lot and just revel in the scenery, the mountains and the deserts, the sheer difference of it all. Going to the Desert Museum, or Mt. Lemmon, or Saguaro National Park, or the Grand Canyon, or Montezuma's Castle - it was awesome stuff. I recommend it highly to anyone who is looking for a vacation and hasn't been to Arizona. But I'm digressing. The point is, Las Vegas is a big sprawling city in the middle of a bigger sprawling desert, with some mountains hanging around for good measure. Mmmmm, sweet tasty scenery. I love me some picturesque chunks of nature.
But first, duty calls. I report to the MGM Grand Hotel and check in. This is my first taste of Las Vegas's strip, and it is... something else. Big? Shiny? Gaudy? All of the above, and more. There is an enormous bronze lion in front of the hotel. There are REAL FUCKING LIONS near the casino. (You may be thinking "Jesus Christ, it's a lion! Get in the car!" Alas, I had no car; I was easy prey for the lion, which was not in Kenya.) Crazy stuff. I get my room (which wasn't anything special, aside from the pimp couch along the window), and receive a text message from the Chief: "Find beer before we land." And off I go!
No wait, first I turn on the news and unpack. Hey look, weather report! The temperatures in Las Vegas for the next seven days will be 103, 104, 108, 107, 110, 104, 109. I am becoming less and less enamored of the use of a third digit for temperature. Maybe I should start converting to Celsius because it looks smaller. 39.4, 40, 42.2, 41.7, 43.3, 40, and 42.8 sound so much nicer.
I head south to look for beer. I learn relatively quickly that, like many places, gas stations and convenience stores sell booze. Happy day! I also see the Luxor, a giant black pyramid, and notice that, in order to advertise for the new Transformers movie, an enormous image of Optimus Prime dominates an entire face of the pyramid. Now that is one huge-ass advertisement. His glowing blue eyes follow me down the road, watching to see if I will descend into sin and debauchery. Curse your vigilance, Optimus!
Oh, look, it's sin and debauchery! I learn quickly that I can dial a number and have "hot girls delivered to my door in 20 minutes". I wonder: if they arrive late, is the girl free? Oh, and the advertisement is not merely on a business card being handed out by some street hustler, or in a pamphlet available in a newsbox. No, it's on the side of an advertising truck, with picture, in 10x20 foot glory. Now that I was not expecting.
Dear former Governor Spitzer and current Governor Sanford: No, they cannot cross the state borders. You have to come here to get your kicks.
Eventually I discover a convenience store right next to the hotel, acquire beer, and all is well. I continue exploring.
"Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!"
The lion exhibit would have 1-2 lions at a time, and their handlers would hang out inside and hand them toys, like giant rubber balls. What a great job description: "I handle lion balls." That's a mighty job right there!
The rest of the team arrives later that night, we share a beer, and sleep.
Day 2: Monday, 6 July 2009
The convention begins! Luckily, my part didn't begin until later, so I slept in. Artemis and Shaft go down for their seminar with the Chief, and on the way they pass a booth saying "sign up here and you might get a chance to model for our next catalog!" They sign up, and eventually get the rest of us to sign up as well. Oddly enough, the girls get called and invited to a photo shoot. More on that later.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I go to the buffet. Most hotels feature a buffet of excellence, in which food of quality is served in mass quantities to the masses. I'm certainly not one to pass up a buffet, so in we went. Needless to say, after an hour of OM NOM NOM, we were utterly paralyzed by food. It was incredible. And the desserts... mmmmmmmm. Buffet for the win.
Everyone meets up to wander around the exhibit hall for a bit, and we got to see some neat things and meet some cool people.
Bill Wallace later advised us and our students that "kicking people is okay" and told them to "keep training hard or he would reach out and pull their noses off." Gotta respect that.
I plan on wearing this shirt the next time I have to teach 5-yr-olds. "Behave, or face THE GRIM FUCKING REAPER! ON FIRE!"
The evening's opening ceremonies featured a two-and-a-half hour pep seminar with motivational speaker/life strategist Tony Robbins. Man, me and motivational speakers just aren't a good mix; I'm just not... motivated enough. And all that touchy-feely-lovey stuff gives me the booboojeebies. But hey, I give in and say, "let's have some fun." And so, in all the audience participation exercises he shared, I made sure to share more than necessary.
Example One: "Find one person and try to convince them of something. First, do it with a complete lack of energy and interest. Next, do it with maximum energy and feeling."
I'm teamed up with Artemis on this one. She tries to convince me to learn another language, and in her radical excitement and energy, she yells "Languages are great! You can communicate with anyone! You should learn, uh... Canadian! Then you could talk to Canadians and wow!" Even as she's focusing on "maximum energy", she's realizing that there's something wrong with her argument. But it's lost in the heat of the moment. In response, I scream back at her "Transformers! The movie! It's got GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF EACH OTHER! Holy shit that's so awesome, I'm going to see it again!" And then I lose my train of thought, so I shout "GIANT FREAKING ROBOTS!" about six more times before she finally loses control and laughs in my face.
Example Two: "Find five or six people and try to convince them of something which you don't actually believe in, but do it anyway with maximum energy and feeling."
I don't have the slightest idea what the other people in my group were shouting about, because I was screaming "I FUCKING LOVE HIPPIES!" at the top of my lungs.
All that screaming might have made us drink more beer.
Day 3: Tuesday, 7 June 2009
Seminars. Seminars are boring. Plain and simple. Still, got to learn a few interesting things about the industry and business in general, so I guess that's a good thing. Also, got to meet some UFC fighters.
On a related note, at the end of this week, the UFC was having its 100th championship fight at the Mandalay Bay hotel, just down the road. Now, I'm no real fan; I've seen some UFC fights before, and it's ok to watch, but I'm no more likely to recognize a UFC champion than I am a football or baseball star. Pro sports, as always, are way outside of my knowledge base. However, if someone says "Hey, get a picture with that guy because he's awesome," well, I'm easy, I'll take a picture with anyone. So somewhere out there (in someone else's camera because mine chose to break) is a picture of me and Chuck Liddell. If you know UFC, then you might recognize the name. That puts you ahead of me by a lot. Anyway, this paragraph is still irrelevant. Mostly.
In the evening, we went out as a group and hopped through a few of the hotels to the south. Artemis was enamored of the roller coaster that was mounted around the New York, New York hotel (designed in the shape of the NYC skyline, complete w/Brooklyn Bridge and Statue of Liberty) (oooh, like I don't see that every day), but we had to point out to her that...
...she had to be "this tall" to ride this ride.
We also made it to the Luxor, which at night shoots a gigantic laser beam from the peak of the pyramid into the sky. This probably serves no useful purpose, although coincidentally it's a great navigational aid. "Where the hell am I going... oh, there's the Luxor, great!" Unsurprisingly, the Luxor boasts an Egyptian theme, complete with Sphinx, pharaohs, and jackal statues...
Captain chaosvizier and Captain Leroy say, "Drink rum and stand on something. It's the right thing to do!"
Nearby was the Mandalay Bay. They have sharks. I might have said that Sharks trump Lions (haha, "trump", I see what I did there), but you had to pay to see their sharks, while our lions were freebies. Free lions for the win!
Also, in case you forgot, I'm actually twelve.
No, scratch that: I'm actually eleven. One of the first things I noticed upon arrival at the hotel was that across the street were the largest hooters I'd ever seen. You might be thinking, "Well, DUH, Las Vegas, right?" But in fact I mean that Hooters (the restaurant chain) has its own massive hotel/casino/restaurant complex, with dozens of "Hooters" logos facing every direction. So, for most of the week, whenever we stepped outside, or looked out a window, I said, "Huh huh, big hooters, huh huh." Yeah, I know. My bad.
Day 4: Wednesday, 8 July 2009
More seminars. Self-explanatory. But it was the last day of the conference, so woohoo, funtime!
I got to learn how to pump up a class with energy in three easy phrases: "Oh yeah!" "That's what I'm talking about!" "What's my name?" Needless to say, I ignored everything the seminar offered and instead focused on pretending I was Kool-Aid Man for the next six days. OH YEAAAAAAH!!!!
Also, I might have convinced Artemis and Shaft to shout "Say my name, bitch!" repeatedly. My bad, again.
Artemis and Shaft had their photo shoot. It was pretty cool to watch, especially once we found out that they would definitely be in the next catalog. They took hundreds of shots in a variety of uniforms and poses, holding weapons, doing stunts and tricks, and so on. Not long after them, however, came a professional: the choreographer for the videos for the Black Eyed Peas. She was absolutely phenomenal, and super-flexible. Her spine bent in ways that caused my back to spasm in revolt. Artemis and Shaft got to meet her and get a photo op. I was still in pain just from watching her routines.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I went out for martinis at a steakhouse restaurant. Well, ok, I had a gin and tonic, but hey, I love my gin. Tasty.
Day 5: Thursday, 9 July 2009
We devoted this day to casino hopping, because admittedly, every hotel and casino on the strip is an amazing piece of work, whether thematically, artistically, or architecturally. However, to satisfy poor Artemis, we hit up the roller coaster at New York, New York and rode it. Six times. In a row. Why? BECAUSE WE'RE EXTREEEEEEEME! Also, no line and no wait. Then we started walking and pointing at things. I may have said "Look kids, Big Ben, Parliament!" about, uh, twenty times.
That's right, no trip to Vegas is complete without Elvis. Ok, it's a ceramic Elvis. Sometimes you just gotta make do.
Of course, sometimes you just have to chill out and look cool.
This little girl and her cat agreed with everything I had to say. It's hard to find a person who's willing to listen, you know.
I tried to help Shaft and Artemis steal this magic crystal ball from the Bellagio Hotel, but alas it proved too heavy even for the three of us.
Any number of things got kicked in the beanbag over the course of the week. Statues, cardboard cut-outs, even weird twig sculptures of bears were not safe from our groin kicking fury.
Snails do not have nuts, so alas, no kicking. You win this round, but next time I'll have a salt shaker with me, and then we'll see who's laughing.
We visited Paris, The Venetian, The Bellagio, Caesar's Palace, Excalibur, New York New York, Harrah's, and some other things. Caesar's Palace was chock full of Greco-Roman art mockups, including a 20' tall statue of King David. Yeah, I know, not exactly the most Greco-Roman of dudes, but whatever. He was nekkid. Chief grabbed Artemis by the eyes and said "Don't look up." Shaft, however, stood directly underneath, aimed her camera nutward, and fired. Now that's balls.
The day concluded with dinner and a Cirque du Soleil show. These Cirque guys are everywhere. They're like secret agents, infiltrating every hotel with a team of ultra-flexible gymnastic mercenaries and then holding audiences hostage for their cash while they prance around and demonstrate their physical awesomeness to all. And, to be fair, they're pretty good at that. So there we are at Ka, a martial arts-themed Cirque show, watching some really crazy gymnasts do some really crazy shit. They fought on a platform that rotated in three dimensions and had spikes sticking out of it. There was a Wheel of Death. There was a flying bat plane thingy made of people. There was apparently a plot as well, but shit if I could figure it out. As far as I could tell, this is the complete story of Ka:
1) Meet the heroes! A prince and a princess (brother and sister) frolic in the palace. They play flutes. This was the easiest part of the plot to understand.
2) OH NOEZ! An evil warlord and his army of scaly dragon dudes stages a rebellion and kills the Emperor and his men. Brother and Sister are split up: Brother has the Captain of the Guard with him, while Sister has a busty matron, most of the royal court, and two... comic relief sidekicks.
3) Evil Warlord is apparently being prodded by Evil Wizard and his, uh, Old Clog-Wearing Partner Dude. Evil Wizard wants to take skulls, put them in a Wheel of Death, and turn them into flashy explosive powder. YA RLY.
4) Sister and co. are on a ship at sea. It's stormy. Most of the royal court falls off the boat and drown. Sister falls off and someone saves her. Or maybe vice versa.
5) Brother and Captain wander around a bunch. Brother plays his flute to remind him of his sister. Captain won't stand for that shit and drags him around more. Then they play Shadow Hand Puppets and feel better.
6) Sister, matron, and comic relief team arrive on a beach. Sister and Matron go look for stuff. Comic relief team get attacked by a giant potato bug, a giant starfish, and a giant sea turtle. The giant starfish flips them off. Still not making stuff up.
7) Ambush! Scaly dragon dudes attack the beach party with arrows and gymnasts. Beach party escapes.
8) Ambush! Scaly dragon dudes attack Brother and Captain and capture them. They get put into small wheel-shaped cages.
9) Evil Wizard is building a large-scale Wheel of Death so he can put... whole people in at a time, instead of just skulls? Maybe? He gets distracted because Evil Warlord's daughter is playing Sister's flute, which I guess she found in the palace somewhere, and then does a dance with it. She does not go to band camp. Evil Warlord has a dispute with Evil Wizard, and Evil Wizard locks him up and takes control with Old Clog Dude.
10) Sister and co. are in a jungle. Which might have been near the beach? She hangs out with a loincloth wearing Tarzan wannabe and maybe they fall in some kind of forbidden jungle love? I'm not sure what was up with that, except there was a giant snake in the background.
11) Brother is stuck in a wheelycage. He plays his flute. Evil Warlord's daughter comes and finds him and plays the other flute. Then she helps him escape, they share a moment of forbidden love, and then Brother saves the Captain and they take off. I think Brother freed Evil Warlord too as a favor to his daughter.
12) Sister and co. are on an icy mountain. Seriously, how the fuck do they get from place to place? Is there some easy hiking trail from desert to jungle to the Alps? But wait, it's not a mountain, it's a glacier, because there are Eskimo dudes who just caught some fish, and they live in a hut on top of the glacier, and the hut transforms into a ROFLcopter flying glider thing, I SHIT YOU NOT. I call shenanigans right here. But, uh, Sister and co. take off in the ROFLcopter and fly around, and then Sister loses her grip and plummets to the ground below.
13) Brother and Captain are wandering around, and then Sister lands in their arms. Damn, that's some convenient shit right there.
14) Wheel of Death! The Wheel of Death goes round and round, and there are some gymnast dudes doing stunts in and around the wheel, and... you know, I don't think there was a point to this scene.
15) Final Battle! Brother, Sister, and a band of fish men (I'm really not sure where these guys came from...) have a showdown against Old Clog Man and his scaly dragon dudes. I think Brother wins? There was a lot of jumping around, and admittedly it looked really cool with the harnesses and the mock view from overhead and the flying and stuff.
16) Victory! Brother and Sister are reunited in the palace with everyone who was good. And then Evil Wizard does something and HOLY SHIT EXPLOSIONS AND A FLAMING SPIRAL OF DEATH. Does everyone die? Does evil triumph over good? I don't know because my retinas were seared off by that last special effect.
You think I'm making this up? Well, they started it.
However, the really cool ending to this story is that, thanks to some of our contacts in the convention, we knew someone who had trained a member of the cast, and they got us into the backstage. Plot be damned; this is where the real action was.
I honestly don't remember who was wearing these damn fuzzy pants. Maybe the roflcopter Eskimos?
Shaft and I borrowed some of the prop weapons and demanded margaritas.
That would be me checking out the matron's breastplate. I have no shame.
Day 6: Friday, 10 July 2009
We had planned for this day to be the "Get Out Of Vegas" day. We rented a minivan to haul our asses out into the desert. Our plan was to find the Hoover Dam (Chief had been excited about seeing this all week), and then either follow the lake north or the river south.
Chief: Man, it'll be good to get out of this... this artificialness. I want to get out of the Strip and see the mountains and the desert, you know, something that's not man-made.
Me: Yeah, like the Hoover Dam!
Chief: Ye- Shut up.
Half an hour later, we're at the Hoover Dam. If you've never seen the Hoover Dam before, rest assured, this thing is incredible. It is massive. It is frighteningly tall. It looks like the biggest skateboarder's halfpipe ever built.
Educational summary: The Colorado river was redirected via four huge tunnels so that the dam could be built on dryish land. Oodles of construction workers built the dam in FOUR YEARS. Nowadays with unions and rules and stuff, you can't even dig a basement in four years. This is like a 70-story building that's a half mile wide. Cheeky rules, slowing us down. Once the dam was finished and the water returned to normal, a lake (Lake Mead) built up behind the dam, and a peaceful Colorado River continued to flow south of the dam. The dam provides hydroelectric power to a helluva lot of places, and controls the river's violent flooding.
Also, they're building a new bridge over it to improve traffic. The distance from bridge to water has got to be over a thousand feet.
The tour takes us down into the depths of the dam itself, where we see the water tubes and the turbines. Here the guide explains how the magnets spin around a central shaft to generate electricity.
"Wow... that's a big shaft," says Shaft, earning her nickname on the spot. Just in case her hijinks at Caesar's Palace did not.
As we left the dam (and all the dam jokes it implied) behind, Artemis asked, "So... what did they build the dam for?"
Chief: "Basically they wanted a lake to put all their boats on. Otherwise they couldn't go sailing and jetskiing and stuff."
Artemis: "Oohhh... yeah, that makes sense."
*headsteeringwheel*
South of the dam we drove, stopping for lunch in Boulder City at a nice Moroccan place (Moroccan? WTF? and yet tasty), until we hit El Dorado Canyon, where a lot of gold mines were, and some other stuff. Oh yeah, a canyon. With some enlightening rock formations...
There's really no excuse for this, except that it practically screamed to be done.
The road ended at a scenic overlook, and a trail took us down to the river itself. Everyone else jumped in; I am utterly aquaphobic and so I just trailed my hand in the river and enjoyed the scenery while looking for scorpions to put in Artemis's shoes. It was beautiful, clear, clean water, with mountains and stuff all around. Alas, not a scorpion in sight, so we went back home instead.
Chief, Mrs. Chief, and I got tickets to see Howie Mandell in the evening. That was about two hours of nonstop laughter. I never knew he was the voice of Gizmo in Gremlins. Go figure.
Day 7: Saturday, 11 July 2009
With the big UFC100 fight going on that evening, all the action was at the Mandalay Bay. Chief wanted to go see the exposition they were having, and so we went. But, oh snag! Access cards for the show were $60 each. That was a steep price for us... until Mrs. Chief went to the exit, bargained with a few people who were leaving, and bought three passes for $20 each. With a little finagling, we brought the whole team inside, and we were good to go.
Noticing the abundance of scantily-clad women promoting various booths and products, I remarked, "Say, this place is a lot sexier than MAIA's boring conference. We should tell MAIA they need to sex themselves up a bit to get popular."
The expo was relatively boring; I don't know much about the UFC, so I got a bunch of autographs that mean nothing to me. The one I did get that was cool was Ernie Reyes Jr., who was in The Rundown with The Rock and Christopher Walken. If you haven't seen that movie, and you like random action-comedies, I give it thumbs up. Then I drank a whole bunch of free nutritional supplements because all the booths had them, and then I followed that up with free beer at the Bud Light booth. I'm personally surprised that I didn't crap out a Schwarzeneggarian loaf of bread that evening.
I can't believe they gave Shaft a Bud Light.
Take that, Brock Lesnar. Even kicking his image hurt, the dude's so enormous.
Oh no! I finally receive my comeuppance at the hands of Bruce Lee.
After more wandering and some shopping and stuff, we headed back to the hotel to visit our good friend Fast.
Who is Fast, you ask? Well, near the MGM's Lion Habitat (in which there are REAL FUCKING LIONS, as I mentioned) (we had to spend a little time explaining to Artemis why there were lions at the MGM. "It's like those movies and TV shows, where at the very beginning you see the lion head in the circled frame, and it roars? You know those? They're produced by MGM. Like the hotel we're in." - "OOOOOHHHHHHHHHH.") is a place called The Rainforest Cafe. Part cafe, part souvenir shop, like so many other places in Las Vegas. In the space between the shop and the cafe is a large aquarium. This is where Fast lives.
The aquarium consists of two large cylinders connected at the top by a long straight tube. People proceed into the cafe from the shop by walking between the cylinders and under the tube. Inside each cylinder is a tower of fake coral, giving the fish somewhere to hang out when they're not hanging out somewhere else.
Fast is some kind of orangeish fish. His species is unimportant. His actions are what makes him unique. Fast will do the following, without fail:
1) Starting from the connecting tube, he will proceed left toward Cylinder A.
2) Upon arriving at Cylinder A, he will make a full circle clockwise around the fake coral tower until he comes back to the entrance to the connecting tube.
3) He will enter the tube and proceed right toward Cylinder B.
4) Upon arriving at Cylinder B, he will begin to make a circle counterclockwise around the fake coral tower.
5) However, after swimming no more than twenty inches into Cylinder B, he will abruptly turn around and head back into the connecting tube.
6) Once in the connecting tube, he will proceed left toward Cylinder A and repeat steps 1 through 5 exactly.
We first noticed Fast on Day 2. We watched him do nine iterations of this pattern. Again, I shit you not. We left and came back later in the evening. HE WAS STILL DOING THE SAME THING. Next day? Same thing. Next day? Still going. Day after day after day, we would show up, watch him do three or four rounds, and move on. Who can say what's going on in that tiny little fish brain of his? It is one of life's eternal mysteries.
To thank them for the good time, I took Chief and Mrs. Chief out to see the UFC100 fight on a big-screen TV display in the MGM Garden Center Arena. (Tickets to the actual fight were of course sold out, although scalpers were hocking ringside seats on ebay for THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. ARE YOU FUCKERS INSANE?) It was fun, we enjoyed the fights, and then we had dinner at Wolfgang Puck's. OM NOM NOM. Followed by martinis and gin. Because, hey, is there ever a wrong time for gin? No way, I say.
Day 8: Sunday, 12 July 2009
Let's fly home. Oh wait, let's sit on the tarmac for an hour, make a refueling stop in Kansas City, and arrive two hours late instead. Yeah, that sounds much cooler.
Grumble.
Nonetheless, an awesome week. Even more pics coming up later when other folks share with me.