Military Movie Might!
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G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Let's get one thing out of the way right off the bat: I am totally biased in favor of this movie. I watched the cartoon way back in the 80's, every day, without fail. I had G.I.Joe action figures by the boatload. I read the comics. They were my childhood Toy Of Choice. Pound for pound, the only thing I might have had more of would be Lego toys. Mmmmm... nostalgia.
Anyway, that's not important right now. What matters is, the horror of converting something from those nostalgic times into a modern film is a trend that can often be fraught with horror and disaster. We've seen old TV classics resurrected, like "My Favorite Martian", "Get Smart", "The Dukes of Hazzard", "Starsky and Hutch", "Land of the Lost", and so on. We've seen cartoons jump to film, like "Transformers" and "He-Man" and "101 Dalmatians" and "Alvin and the Chipmunks". While some of these conversions were surprisingly good, most were unsurprisingly double-plus ungood. So, yes, my hesitation in facing up with the golden days of my youth was fully justified.
Chalk one more up to "surprisingly not as bad as expected", because that's what you get here.
The plot: Good guys vs. Bad guys. Ninja combat. Hot chicks beating each other up. And everyone's favorite deus ex machina, nanotechnology.
The pros: If you're going to remake something old, make sure it gets referenced nicely. G.I.Joe takes pretty good care to grab all the names you really want - Duke, Hawk, Scarlet, Snake-Eyes, Destro, Storm Shadow, Zartan, the Baroness - and put them into play. The action is relentless - the scraps of plot and story needed to make any sense out of everything are told in quick flashbacks, many of which themselves are action sequences. You've got crazy aircraft with lasers, cybernetically enhanced soldiers, more lasers, high-tech ninjas, and some lasers. And finally, you have a Wayans brother, which normally could be a kiss of death, but amazingly enough, he restrains a lot of his Wayans-ness (aside from the bits that the scriptwriters wrote for him) and tries really hard to be a good action star. He gets an A for effort. And General Hawk does indeed say "Knowing is half the battle." That's worth points right there.
The cons: Most of these cons apply to my personal imagining of how G.I.Joe should be. But I suppose the big con is, if you're expecting deep and meaningful plot, you went to the wrong movie, and that's your own damn fault. You went to see G.I.Joe expecting action, and there it was. Yes, nanotechnology is such a lame sci-fi plot device; only time travel is more unwelcome and abused. Yes, The Baroness should remain a full-on force of evil and destruction; the whole "I'm Duke's ex-fiancee and now I'm totally badass but we'll end the movie with me being reformed" concept is weak. And yes, some of the villains' motivations seem a bit... weak ("I'm a soldier and scientist and WOW evil crazy science I totally WANT!" - "You let my brother die so I'm going to hook up with a crazy guy and be evil, and also we're not engaged anymore!"). Oh, and I suppose yes, the movie is not entirely true to source material. But come on, no one saw that coming either?
The verdict: I liked it. I went in expecting a C- of badness, and got a B+ of surprisingly okayness.
Disclaimer: If you were one of those young boys who sported a full-on robot chubby for The Baroness way back then, rest assured: it's still on.
Disclaimer: While seeing Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes beating the hell out of each other was awesome, the surprise awesome character of the film has to be Zartan (played by "The Mummy", Arnold Vosloo), who is a total dick.
Disclaimer: What other futuristic technology gets horrendously abused here? Holograms. Holo-projected people everywhere! We just look like we're here! Worse than that Mission Impossible 2 scene where everyone has a different face on. Stupid facemask plot device. Weak, again!
Edit: Knowing really is half the battle. The chart does not lie.
G.I.Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Let's get one thing out of the way right off the bat: I am totally biased in favor of this movie. I watched the cartoon way back in the 80's, every day, without fail. I had G.I.Joe action figures by the boatload. I read the comics. They were my childhood Toy Of Choice. Pound for pound, the only thing I might have had more of would be Lego toys. Mmmmm... nostalgia.
Anyway, that's not important right now. What matters is, the horror of converting something from those nostalgic times into a modern film is a trend that can often be fraught with horror and disaster. We've seen old TV classics resurrected, like "My Favorite Martian", "Get Smart", "The Dukes of Hazzard", "Starsky and Hutch", "Land of the Lost", and so on. We've seen cartoons jump to film, like "Transformers" and "He-Man" and "101 Dalmatians" and "Alvin and the Chipmunks". While some of these conversions were surprisingly good, most were unsurprisingly double-plus ungood. So, yes, my hesitation in facing up with the golden days of my youth was fully justified.
Chalk one more up to "surprisingly not as bad as expected", because that's what you get here.
The plot: Good guys vs. Bad guys. Ninja combat. Hot chicks beating each other up. And everyone's favorite deus ex machina, nanotechnology.
The pros: If you're going to remake something old, make sure it gets referenced nicely. G.I.Joe takes pretty good care to grab all the names you really want - Duke, Hawk, Scarlet, Snake-Eyes, Destro, Storm Shadow, Zartan, the Baroness - and put them into play. The action is relentless - the scraps of plot and story needed to make any sense out of everything are told in quick flashbacks, many of which themselves are action sequences. You've got crazy aircraft with lasers, cybernetically enhanced soldiers, more lasers, high-tech ninjas, and some lasers. And finally, you have a Wayans brother, which normally could be a kiss of death, but amazingly enough, he restrains a lot of his Wayans-ness (aside from the bits that the scriptwriters wrote for him) and tries really hard to be a good action star. He gets an A for effort. And General Hawk does indeed say "Knowing is half the battle." That's worth points right there.
The cons: Most of these cons apply to my personal imagining of how G.I.Joe should be. But I suppose the big con is, if you're expecting deep and meaningful plot, you went to the wrong movie, and that's your own damn fault. You went to see G.I.Joe expecting action, and there it was. Yes, nanotechnology is such a lame sci-fi plot device; only time travel is more unwelcome and abused. Yes, The Baroness should remain a full-on force of evil and destruction; the whole "I'm Duke's ex-fiancee and now I'm totally badass but we'll end the movie with me being reformed" concept is weak. And yes, some of the villains' motivations seem a bit... weak ("I'm a soldier and scientist and WOW evil crazy science I totally WANT!" - "You let my brother die so I'm going to hook up with a crazy guy and be evil, and also we're not engaged anymore!"). Oh, and I suppose yes, the movie is not entirely true to source material. But come on, no one saw that coming either?
The verdict: I liked it. I went in expecting a C- of badness, and got a B+ of surprisingly okayness.
Disclaimer: If you were one of those young boys who sported a full-on robot chubby for The Baroness way back then, rest assured: it's still on.
Disclaimer: While seeing Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes beating the hell out of each other was awesome, the surprise awesome character of the film has to be Zartan (played by "The Mummy", Arnold Vosloo), who is a total dick.
Disclaimer: What other futuristic technology gets horrendously abused here? Holograms. Holo-projected people everywhere! We just look like we're here! Worse than that Mission Impossible 2 scene where everyone has a different face on. Stupid facemask plot device. Weak, again!
Edit: Knowing really is half the battle. The chart does not lie.
