Ohio bound = Shattered Dreams
Dear Sasha,
So...we are moving to Ohio in two months, before my birthday.....I don't know what to say. I can honestly say I do not want to go. But I can also say it is whats best. We still can't tell anyone, which is killing me. I have friends I want to warn so I can spend time with them. I can only tell my family. My mom is pretty upset and sad but she understands. My sister is also dealing with it. I don't really know how I feel. I decided that being angry was pointless and accomplished nothing, being sad did nothing but wear me out, I can't feel happy about this because it feels wrong to me. So I pulled out the age old tried and true mask of numb indifferance. I will put on the smile everyone else wants to see and expects. But inside.....i'm lost.
I try to see the benefits. Tim can finish school. I can possibly get a full time job. Save money. But then Tim still wants to not come back to Florida. He still wants to join the military. I still lose my dreams. I don't really benefit. except for getting a job where I can make my own money. But really, I still have no benefit in this. Nothing. I will still be living my life for someone else to be happy and to help someone else accomplish their dreams while mine sit on the back burner and eventually fade into nothingness.
I wish Tim would have taken his schooling more seriously while I was pregnant. If he had....he would have graduated. And this....wouldn't be my life right now.
Im back on my anti depressants. I told Tim they are working very well. They are working ok. But I think I will get my doseage upped when I got back to see DR. Couts. I'm not as numb as I need to be. I can't make myself be happy. I need to. I won't go to Ohio and make myself and everyone miserable. I'll keep doing what I have done for most of my life. I'll pretend. I'll keep smiling. Keep making everyone else happy. Keep telling myself it's whats best for everyone. And keep wondering in the back of my mind.....How wonderful life would be if I could do something I wanted to for once. Keep dreaming of accomplishing my goals one day. Keep hiding the tears when I realize those dreams will never come true.
I gave up my dreams for my husband. I delayed them for an asshole. I was back on track, goals lined up, the domino effect ready to take place for me where everything would be amazing. Even though I was pregnant. That was just a perk in the plan, an unexpected gift. And then.......then I didn't just walk away when I should have, My first sign that everything would be an empty promise from that point on, the first sign to o and never look back.....and I didn't. I believed him when he said it was a mistake to say what he did.
If I had just gone back home...no.....if I had told him to fuck off when he called to say he was sorry for asking me to get an abortion. If I had told him I was getting one, but never did and just never told him otherwise. If I had just left. I would be where I wanted to be right now.
Everyone knew I was pregnant and it as okay. I was supposed to manage my own franchise of the candy store. I had an amazing rent to own house waiting for me with family, I had a school with scholarships at the ready to take me in and help me out with schooling when the baby was here. And I threw it all away. For what? A job at subway paying minimum wage that I had to leave because Tim didn't want me working there anymore after my maturnity leave. No school, a shared home, no money to call my own because I have no one to watch Allysin so that I can work. And now I have to move out of state, away from my home.......so that I can once again sacrifice my dreams for someone else. And for them to take that opportunity and bitch about it and procrastinate the whole fucking way. For someone to be rude to my family when I have nothing but respect for theirs.
I want an education, I want a career, I want a home of my own, money of my own, financial and total independence again. I want my family to be proud of me and my life. Not just tolerant of the guy who mopes in a corner because he's hungry so he's going to look pissed off and do nothing but play fucking games on his phone.
Guess what asshole I get plenty hungry in our house all the god damn time because I dont have a free minute to fucking eat. Yu dont see me treating your family with any disrespect or me sitting there ignoring your family while I play a game and just bitch to you that im hungry. No I smile and am polite and wait patiently for my turn to fucking eat even if i dont get to until Allysin goes to sleep at 8 or 9 at night!
Maybe one day I will find what I am looking for. Maybe I will finally have someone my family loves and respects along with me, not someone they just tolerate. Maybe someday someone will put me first for a change, maybe some day someone will be supportive of me and my goals and we will EQUALLY share getting our goals accomplished together. Maybe one day I won't be the one putting all my hopes and dreams in the garbage. Maybe one day someone will be selfless and let me accomplish my life goals and I will not complain. I will only be grateful and supportive of them in return and they wont just help me. We will help each other accomplish our goals equally. Maybe one day things wont be so fucking one sided. But it's me......so that day will probably be never.
But hey......a girl can dream right?