Failure by design
Dear Sasha,
So things are....yea. Things are things. Here in the last week its been pretty hectic but nothing I can't handle. My schizo minutes are happening again but its whatever you know. I can deal with those minutes. I am trying to volunteer at my church. Problem. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that it may not end entirely well. I may end up not going to church anymore because of this. I hope it works out better then I am thinking it will......but my first impressions of this is not well. For one when I asked for a volunteer packet to fill out I was given the once over. Here's what the woman saw.
Me in knee high converse decked out with skull kitty, i make boys cry, beauty fiend, jolly rogers patches. Move up to my short ass denim shorts with my pink pirates key chain dangling from my waist, move up to my white tank top with a black widow spider painted on it with the words "we could mate, but then I'd have to kill you", past that is my obviously dyed red hair with my eyeliner on.( Not to mention the part that got the longest back in forth double take in the history of back and forth double takes) The beautiful 7 month old baby on my hip and no wedding band on my left ring finger. The reply I got after this, literally two minute, look over was "Here's a packet you can fill out. I take all types so we'll see how you work out."
Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? Your from the church of no judgement of open mindedness, the church with the cool yet scruffy pastor.....and your judging me. Nice. SOOOO I decide I am gonna volunteer regardless. Why you ask? Simple, I LOVE proving people wrong about their judgement calls on me. I look like a punk rock princess yes, so people assume I am a party girl and more then likely terrible mother. What happens when we assume children? Thats right, you make an ass out of you and me...but mostly out of you.
Filling out the application they ask for your spouse's number and contact info. No shit, they don't ask if your married the assume once again. Nice. SO I scratch out the word spouse on all things labled such (spouse name, spouse number, spouse email ect) and replace every last one with the word boyfriend. I know they will look at it and ask me why I did such a thing. I have an answer ready "Because I am not married and I felt it was a lie to fill it in that way and lead you to believe otherwise." I know Im the worlds biggest smart ass right. Love it or leave.
Anywho, i'm tired as hell right now but in desperate need of a shower. I have not showered in four days. GROSS!! But I came in town from palm beach county to see my dad at 2am wensday, then all day wensday I had to clean the house, cook TWO dinners, start and finish FIVE loads of laundry, all on top of taking care of Allysin who is in serious teether mode and will NOT tolerate being put down. So I did ALL of this and house cleaning with her on my hip ALL day. Yep, supermoms out there, we rock and our kids will one day appreciate it. Continuing on. Thursday I woke up at 7am as usual got Ally fed, dressed and began my day cleaning bottles, dishes, emptying dishwasher, reloading dishwasher and beginning and finishing folding and putting away ALL laundry from previous day. Then I found out I have to visit my mom. Takes two hours. Get home and have to move furniture because we are getting new furniture. Get that done after much huffing puffing panting and back ache.
Move in new dressers and mattress and box spring and bed frame for one room, yay. But it is now ten thirty at night and Im about to pass out. I eat dinner and literally pass out. Dont remember going to bed AT ALL. Wake up at 7am on friday and begin my usual ritual of feed Ally, clean bottles, empty and reload dishwasher, now I have to move Ally's furniture around because she is also getting two new dressers and a new TV. Again, much huffing and puffing and back ache and sweat later I finish. Woot! Get new dressers in and move all her cloths from old dresser to new dresser which is big enough to even put her cloths in storage totes away in. Awesome! Shower time? oh no no no hahaha what was I thinking? Silly me. I have to move all my and Tim's cloths from old dresser to new one as well. yay!. SO I get that all done and it is now 11pm. I am beat and hungry. I have only eaten a pancake wrapped sausage and that was over twelve hours ago. I once again eat dinner, I am about to jump in the shower finally when....Tim turns on the dishwasher. The dishwasher that steals all hot water supply while its on. The dishwasher that takes two and a half hours to clean everything because it is permantly set on pots and pans setting. I want to scream.
I need a cigarette, a beer, a walk, something, anything! I quit smoking when I became pregnant last november so smoking is out, I grab a blueberry lager beer from the fridge, open it, take a sip, start to relax, and then Tim makes his comment. Why must he make his comments? "Beer? Shouldnt we be going to bed? Im tired as hell." And he shuts off the light.
........I lose it. If I could have screamed it would not have mattered, no, because the quiet whisper in which I had to use was so mch more threatening it was well worth it.
"I can't smoke, I can't drink a beer, it's too late for a walk, my computer is broken and my mp3 player dead so I can't write or listen to music to calm down. I haven't showered in three days, I have busted my ass and my back for three days cleaning and cooking and moving and arranging and cleaning and taking care of a teething baby. I haven't eaten a whole fucking meal in three god damn days. I understand you have work and school. I understand when you get on your fucking game for stress relief. Where the fuck is my stress relief? If I can't smoke, drink, walk, write, listen or fucking shower?!?"
Tim's reply.....by far the worst reply any man could ever give any woman to this question. Stupid grin on his face and all full of hope.
"I got your stress relief right here. I can do dirty things to you?"
Let me inform you all. Had I had anything worth throwing at his head within my reach it would have been thrown and he would have later gotten stitches because I would have thrown in hard. I went to bed, unshowered and furious.
I woke up today to the same routine as every day, Only now there was no more moving or cleaning or laundry HALLELUJAH! Only I am not free. Tim is off to a shooting tournament, I am off to run errands with his mom. I drop off old cloths to my sister, pick up a crokpot, go to three differant banks, go to lowes, walmart and the dollar general. Finally I get to go home? NO. I get to stop at a family friends house to pick up toys for Allysin. I am very grateful for these toys dont get me wrong. I am just not as grateful for a day on an empty stomach while I desperatly need a shower and break from Ally. Tim goes off to work and I cook dinner. Then feed Ally who is still teething terribly, bath Ally, get her in Pj's and off to bed. And of course. I announce my upcoming shower. I have clean cloths and a towel in hand. I am walking to the bathroom when I hear the thing that nearly makes me scream bloody murder in front of my daughters bedroom door.
"Hang on, I need to run the dishwasher."
The dishwasher! The fucking dishwasher! the two and a half hour long, hot water stealing,mother fucking dishwasher!!!!!!!!!!
I want a cigarette, I want a beer, I want a walk, I want to write, I want my music and I want my mother fucking shower ALLLLLLLL when Tim finally gets home!!!!!!!!
And while I voice I am going to write. I am writting, I dont care thank you I am currently WRITTING I am interupted twice to please watch a fucking tv show. TV the thing I could give two shits and a fuck less about. I WANT ME TIME GOD DAMNIT!! I HAVENT HAD ME TIME FOR A FUCKING MONTH! THIS IS ALL I WANT TO DO IS WRITE FOR TWENTY GOD DAMN MINUTES UNINTERUPPTED DURING MY ONLY FREE TIME BETWEEN WHEN ALLY SLEEPS AND I PASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK......I don't feel any better, But I need to go find dinner. Eat it, and wait for the fucking dishwasher to stop. because guess what? Tim has plans to go fishing tomorrow morning without me, so i get baby AGAIN all day,m because after fishing WE are going to his friends house to hang out. AKA he gets to relax while I deal with an overly fussy teething baby. I refuse to one god damn thing tomorrow until I have had my fucking shower and flat ironed my fucking hair. and then tomorrow night after Ally goes to bed he will watch her because I am going to my sisters house where I am going to smoke a cigarette, drink a beer, go on a walk, listen to music and fucking write. And if he has a problem with it he can fucking BITE ME!
Later,
Sephy