Dear Sasaha
Allysin is almost a year old. Im amazed. This isnt why im writting, it would be a waste of time to pretend so.I've been thinking alot about my past here recently. Things I've done. People I've hurt. And the way it affected thier lives afterward. I feel terrible. How do I deserve my beautiful little girl? Im a terrible person, I've broken so many hearts and thrown them away without a second thought. Im an awful person. Im the worst kind of girl. at least I used to be.
Sometimes the urge to up and go kicks in again. I think it's just that.......since Tony. I never want to sit still. Im afraid of too much time in one place with one person. Im afraid of people. Im afraid of attachments. Im afraid of all of it. I even keep myself distant from my family for this reason. Im afraid of being thrown away again. Im afraid of losing someone again. I don't deal with loss very well. Period. I go a differant kind of crazy.
It always feel like someone's died. Like i've lost them permanently. I hate that feeling. And now I'm moving to Ohio. Sp far away from my family and friends. I don't want to. I honostly feel like its the end of the world. The end of my world. Once again im making sacrifices for someone. and that scares the hell out of me. I dont want another Tony. I can't deal with that. Spending so much time, making so many changes, for someone to throw me away like im nothing.
I miss being me. I don't smoke anymore, not that thats a bad change. But my hair isn't a color I like. It's one he and his family approve of. My cloths aren't mine. My style isn't nime anymore either. I've been forced into this image that I don't fit into period. Yes I am a mother. But the way I dress, how many tatoos or piercings I have the color of my fucking hair do not affect that.
What do I do? Sasha, I desperatly need some help. Im losing everything. I don't have friends to talk to anymore. I don't even have my family to talk to. I have to put on this front as if everything is ok and it's not. It's so far from okay its scary. I just want to pack up, grab Allysin and leave it all behind. Not to Ohio, not even out of Florida. I want to go back home. I miss my home. My friends, my family, my life. I miss it.
I hate being this person. I don't recognize the face in the mirror. I don't know the voice that comes out of my mouth. I don't know who's cloths are in my drawers because they aren't mine. The only thing that resembles me are my shoes and my tattoos. One of which is always covered up now. The one on my arm is fading. It's almost a sign to me. Im fading sasha, fast. What do I do/
If you can read these letters, if you can help, please send me a sign of what to do? I need help. Send me something. I know i've asked you before for help. But I need it. I don't know who else to ask. I can't be myself to anyone else. I only want them to see me happy. I don't want them to see me upset.
Love always,
Sephy