The Long Talk With My Mom...
What a long and eventful day yesterday was! It started at 5am as usual on my early shift work pattern. I went to work and going about my daily tasks when I received a text message from my mom at 8:30am; Hi Alex. Need to talk to you. Will come over after school. Be there about 5. Love M xxx. My stress levels just seemed to go through the roof when I read the message. It kind of made my day at work pretty difficult because I couldn't stop thinking about the message. I was worried what she wanted to talk about. We had talked twice since Sunday night, the second time being better even though it was on the phone. I had told my mom how I felt deep down over the phone. I was surprised that it was in fact quite easier to talk on the phone. When I finished work I tidied my room and that made me feel better. Everything was in better order and that feeling of order made me a little more geared up for talking to my mom later. My mom called after her work briefly to tell me when she would expect to arrive and that she needed to talk how she felt about this whole situation. She asked me to think of a good place to have something to eat. My mom arrived at 6pm and I decided to take her to the Chinese Buffet down the road in town. I avoided starting to talk about my issues and instead talked about how things were going with the sale of my old car, my decision to start job hunting again etc. There was a young western lady at the front desk dressed in a Chinese dress and thought how beautiful she looked with her long hair and figure. When I started talking with my mom about my issues I found it very stressful. I felt defensive because I felt my mom was there to try influence me or persuade me to think in a certain way. It turned out that she wasn't doing this even though I kept trying to analyse everything she said for any negative, influential aspects in it. She said many things in the time we were eating. One thing that she said was that she wished that she could have helped me a long time ago and felt that if she could have then things wouldn't have got so intense for me. I told her that in my opinion it was the present I had to work with and solving the problem rather than looking at the past. I told her that I had done tried to work out why I felt this way for a very long time, and that eventually I felt it would be a fruitless task and that it was better to solve the problem rather than analysing it. My mom told me that I had to be selfish sometimes in life but I also should consider how I affect other people. My mom said that she would most likely lose most of her friends and become isolated because of what I could do. I told her that in the end situations like this show us who are real friends are and she agreed. I told my mom how much I cared about her and that I felt the possible consequences of me transitioning for her stressed me greatly. I told her that I didn't want to make anyone's life a misery because of me.
She told me that she can accept how I feel but she doesn't feel everyone else would. I then kept telling my mom that maybe the best thing to do was to just push it all deep down and continue with this life for everyone else. And then life would be no different for anyone. Or even run away to a different country where no one here would know about me. She also kept telling me to stop being silly by saying this. She said she would have to change her life as well and consider the future. My mom got very upset at one point and told me that she felt that she was losing me. I tried to reassure her that she wasn't losing anyone and in fact she was gaining more of me. I feel that by being completely open with my mom I have less chance of actually losing my mom now. I feel that if I had gone on hiding this forever I might have lost my mom altogether. She said that it is not that she feels she is losing a son but losing someone she felt she knew. I told her that I would always be me and I am not going to change who I am inside and with her. I just would only be physically different. All this kind of sound very familiar to me and I had heard this being told about parents before. I was actually a bit reassured that my mom was responding in a very normal way to the things I was telling her. In fact one sentence made me smile inside, when my mom said that is was silly but she felt it would have been easier for everyone if I had just been homosexual. Well, actually those words were quite significant as well because I now wonder whether my mom is expecting me to like men (and I do). Then the conversation came to transition where my mom said that she felt I was already considering transition. I don't know why but I couldn't say that I was considering transition full stop. She told me that I could try find alternatives and outlets. I told her that I don't consider this relevant to myself, though I accepted that I could find what she was suggesting. I know inside that I am a bit too decided on transition, and I only realised this after talking to my mom. To be honest it scares me because I only see one logical and rational way to solve my life problem, and no other way. I am scared about finding out I can not live as a woman or a man, and that creates morbid feelings in me. I also don't want to tell people I'm hell bent on complete transition, because I consider it a way of testing my feelings. My mom talked a little about femininity and I told her that this was not the reason why I felt this way. She said something that made me very angry and that was that I wasn't even feminine looking. She told me that people wouldn't see me as female but instead as transsexual. I decided not to argue about this comment because I will be able to show her that she is not entirely right. I didn't decide to tell her that HRT and maybe surgery would help with that though. I told her again that it was because my body didn't seem to run parallel with my soul, it seemed to be conflicted. She said she understood what I mean. She made me feel very self conscious then and I looked around the restaurant at all the females. She asked me whether I was I considering doing something very drastic and that if I did there was no turning back. I told her that I fully understood everything and had studied my options for as long as I could remember. I told her that this was not at the forefront of my mind at this point. I was more concerned with finding out how I should be in life. I now believe that my mom thinks I'm considering transitioning from male to female. I think she is coming to terms with this and beginning to accept it. When we walked back to her car back at my place I think both of us felt a sense of relief. My mom said she was much happier she knew where the situation now. I felt 10 times closer to my mom after the meal and it was a fantastic feeling. When it was time for my mom to drive back home we hugged and I felt the love between us. I don't know why I feel so strongly about having my mom understand, accept and feel okay about my decisions I could make. I think it's because we have always felt very similar people and often clicked. I was not prepared to just give up and lose my mom. She is very important to me and the person I have known the longest in my life. I sent my mom a text message when I went to bed last night; Thankyou for the meal & talking to me about it all. Im sorry I could not be clearer. It was helpful though. I love you always. See u on Thursday night. X My mom replied this morning; Thankyou for the lovely message. Feel much better now. I love you more than anything. M xxx At last the unravelling of the future seems like an exciting, although, of course daunting time now. I feel more free.... My life is starting... Just, why I am so daunted about the prospects of being myself once and for all????