Just When It Was Getting Better Everything Came Down With A Crash...
The past few weeks seem to have been pretty eventful and I would say that my mood was lifting. I was seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. The first thing that went well I felt really positive with was my doctor's appointment. I had been getting pretty desperate, concerned and stressed about my prospects of seeing someone in the Local Mental Health team. I had previously been told by my doctor that there was a long wait likely. I had spoken about my concern about this with my counsellor and she told me that I had to go back to the doctor to ask her about the referral. I had felt so reluctant to make that appointment with the doctor because I didn't want to sound inpatient and was worried about what exactly to say. Enough was enough and I picked up the phone and asked to make an appointment. I was so nervous when I got there and got very irritable and stressed while sitting in the waiting room. I think my stress levels were increased by having to listen to a teenager on her mobile phone discussing her private life in front of everyone. When my turn came to see my doctor I took a deep breath and went into her room, sat down and said the usual Hi. When asked how she could help me everything I needed to tell and ask just flowed. I think this must have been because I felt comfortable and safe in this room with the doctor. I said of my anxiety about not knowing exactly what was going on and other things. She told me that unfortunately the local mental health services were going through some problems with the recent amalgamation of all the local services in the surrounding areas under the control of one Primary Care Trust. She explained there was a shortage of people in the mental health team and that if would be at least 6 months until I would be able to see someone. Even though this news was pretty stressful in itself knowing what was going on relaxed me somewhat. I now had a clearer picture. My doctor then proceeded to ask me how I was, which I was quite surprised that she did. I told her exactly how I felt and the words flowed with ease. I had worried previously that I wouldn't be able to describe how I felt. I was so pleased that I had explained most of my worries without even a stutter. The next week I went to see my counsellor and told her how well my doctors appointment had gone and how positive I was feeling. I told her that my doctor had explained how I would have to wait for up to 6 months to get a local referral. I mentioned that I had always thought about trying to get a private referral and that I couldn't let myself do it for a number of reasons. The first reason I mentioned was that I wanted to give myself (what I consider) a tough time going through the NHS. People had told me that the NHS will be very vigorous. I considered that if I got through this process at the NHS then I would have proved to myself that it is important to me. In a way I wanted to test how important or real my whole gender issues are to me. The second reason why I couldn't let myself go private is because I felt ungrateful. I felt guilty that there are services offered on the NHS for me but I had thought about turning my nose up to them, and going private. I also felt guilty about the people who probably were more desperate than me and couldn't go private. When I talked about my issues with my counsellor about going private I kind of came to a conclusion that I wasn't being all that wise with my ideas. The thing that made me realise somewhat was that my counsellor said that often people that are pretty desperate have to resort to private treatment. I had forgotten why I had even considered going private in the first place and that was because I was pretty desperate! And that day my mind was changed. I sat on my thoughts for a number of days until finally in what feels like out of the blue I decided to pick up the phone and book an appointment at a private Gender Identity Clinic in London. I was so nervous before I started dialling the phone and completely stressed out. When the lady answered the phone the only thing I could do to calm down was to speak slowly and carefully. It was done and so easily, and I had booked an appointment for the 7th of December. I was completely over the moon and a little overwhelmed. The prospect of seeing someone that I felt could really help me once and for all was very overwhelming. I felt a warm glow and relief about what I had just done. I felt like I had made a very positive decision for the first time in my entire life, and one that gave me a better outlook on the future. I felt like finally things were becoming clearer and brighter. I was so happy from then on and even smiling on the outside. Then 2 days after I had made the appointment the confirmation of appointment arrived. When I saw a letter on the doormat with a West London post mark I was so excited. I was so nervous with excitement when I opened the letter to see with my own eyes that I was definitely seeing someone about my gender issues. That was another thing that made me really happy and made me smile even more. I felt like a million dollars. All was going well and I had this Saturday and Sunday off so I had decided to go down to London to the British Museum with my mom, step dad and sister. It actually was pretty stressful holding so much inside and hiding it away all that time. I felt pretty down about it and very sad. I saw so many young women around London and it just made me feel even worse. One funny moment was in the room I shared with my sister. I showed my sister that I could make a ponytail with my hair in a very fleeting way. Her response shocked me so much when she actually said "Yuck, you look like a girl". Everything else went well and to plan and we visited Oxford St, Carnaby St and Hamleys. I was even smug at this time because I bought a Garfield soft toy with suckers on for my car, which I felt nostalgic about from the 1990s. I also bought a little soft toy lion just because I'm a Leo. This morning we dropped my sister off to see her old school friend who lives in Hayes, and then went to take a look around Uxbridge. I wanted a bit of a nostalgia trip because we used to go to Uxbridge a lot when I lived in Hayes. I spent even more money buying a little Paddington Bear and some really cool snack bowls. I was being taken back to Burton on Trent by my parents because I didn't have my car. I invited my mom in to my house before I said goodbye and that’s where the trouble started. I showed her my new light shade and she said it was very nice and asked me where I had got it from. Probably being a mom she had a quick nose around. I noticed eyebrow curlers on my bed side table and quickly hid them before my mom saw them. Though maybe through my own stupidity I had forgot to move an empty box of HRT off my table. She immediately asked me what they were and my instant reaction was to tell her they were antibiotics, with which she replied that she knew they weren't. I quickly ushered out of my room in stress and panic and she asked me whether they were hormones! The first thing I thought was "Oh gawd, here we go again". I asked my mom for a hug and we hugged. Unfortunately, I felt very stressed and stuck for time because my mom had to get back home. I told her that they were hormones but they weren't mine. She told me not to give her any more shocks and then a whole wave of shame and guilt overcome me. I told her that I was seeing a psychiatrist soon and then I sensed her panic and worry. She immediately told me that she worried that I would be influenced. I reassured her in every way I could considering my stress of this whole situation that I am my own person and not influenced by anyone. I felt degraded by my mom and belittled when she said these things to me but I didn’t tell my mom this. We slowly walked down stairs to the front door talking very awkwardly about the situation. My mom asked me whether I was considering what she thought was going on and I said I couldn't give an answer; a yes or no. She told me that my sister would not be able to take this on board and would be devastated. She then proceeded to tell me that it would make my life very hard. The worse thing that was she said was that she didn't believe I was feminine and didn't know what feminine meant. She told me I was probably very masculine because I was sensitive and caring. Well, that was all fair enough but not the reason for my issues and I made a point to tell her that. I told her I was sorry and would talk to her soon about it. And so my stress levels have no gone through the roof. I instantly saw my mom as the final barrier to me discovering who I really was. And to make matters worse my mom is someone I can't ignore and disregard because I am so fond and care about her. I had images of leaving this place going thousands of miles away and forgetting my mom but that made me feel dead inside. I couldn't just do something like that after so many years loving my mom. Then I had feelings of despair and dread and now feel I will never discover who I am and will always live this lie and never know who I am for the rest of my life just because I care about my mom. Then feelings of suicide came over me that shocked me completely but it is never something I will ever do. But the feeling of being dead felt better than what I was feeling (forbid the thought).
All I want is to be my mom’s daughter…