Pondering...
These past few days since Wednesday have been pretty troubled. Something inside me is stirring that is making me very upset. The more I think about my feelings the more I feel upset. It knots me up inside. I was very reluctant to write lately because it feels so difficult. I am feeling very sad and sorry for myself, very melancholy. It almost feels like the start of my troubles again when I was younger. I feel I have reverted back to the start. Most of the work I have done to avoid these feelings are rushing back like they used to be a long time ago.
It is almost like I have come to terms with how I feel inside and this feels even more upsetting. I am no longer numb to it all. I feel very upset that what I feel appears to be so unattainable and impossible. I mourn the fact that I was never born a girl. It feels too much for me and I feel doomed now because I feel powerless to solve this lifelong feeling. I have to stop here because even this is upsetting me.
I’m not sure where to pick up after I left off. My head is not the clearest, full of work issues and affected so much by tiredness. I feel that I know who I am so much but I have grown to live against it. It has not always been painful of course and can be suppressed as I know. Yet I have come to a point in my life where I’m so tired of the swings and roundabouts and wondering. I want complete closure to this. And I want this to be a positive closure as well.
These issues are not so easily solved and it is hard work, stressful and upsetting working with them. I am trying to dig deeper when I write these thoughts although my thoughts are ruled by the ones closer to the surface.
I know that I have felt different my whole life. I feel this can’t be all attributed to my gender issues. I think I have forgotten somewhat how I felt different when I was very young. I have a feeling that maybe I just felt different and didn’t quite know why. I always remember being daunted by the other boys. I think some boys are daunted by other boys. I have always had no aggression and have been more passive like I am now.
I cannot recall mixing with the girls at school. I think if I did then I would have remembered although I wonder whether I’ve forgotten. One thing I do remember though growing up in Stafford was the lack of mixing between boys and girls. There is one memory that is always present and that is the presence of female acquaintances and friends outside school.