Fear of Conflict, Acceptance & Ideas About Coming Out
I have felt so many emotions and been very upset for reasons I don't understand. I am not even sure where to start writing here. If I had one wish right now if would definitely be that I had been born a girl. I do feel ungrateful but I need to express this feeling to myself here. I feel that if I had been born a girl there would have been none of this heartache I feel now. Life would have been straighter forward in this aspect of things. I would also not feel the need to convince people who I am because it would be there in black and white for all to see.
I thought that I had a lot of strength in me but in times like this I feel incredibly powerless. I don't know whether I have the power inside to show the world who I feel I am inside and I hate this feeling. I hate my “anything for an easier life” attitude that I have had for many years. I fear and hate conflict and it upsets me immensely inside. I have always tried to avoid conflict. I have a feeling that part of the struggle for me to be who I am inside is made worse by the fear of any conflicts it will cause.
I feel so different to everyone around me and wonder if anyone would even accept me as a woman. It all seems too much of a dream if everyone or most accepted me. I feel I have deceived the whole world also and feel so sad and screwed up by this idea. I think it can’t be my entire fault that I have deceived people in this way. The need to tell my closest friends is now burning inside me but I’m not sure exactly how to go about it.
I feel so dumb also because I have this compelling need to live up to how I feel the world wants me to see me. This is partly due to my fear of being the victim of prejudices and ridicule. My oldest friends always had a fear of homosexuality and I feel that they may then fear me if I tell them how I feel. I realise that externally they may say they accept who I am though I think inside they won’t accept it. I fear losing my old friends because they have always been there for me and have been kind to me, and I feel I have a duty to them.
I have this feeling that I will feel like a hypocrite to my best friend. He always told me to come out of my shell. I always felt he knew me more that anyone else has. He was like the brother I never had. Maybe he didn’t know exactly what I was hiding but I have a feeling he may be joyful that I have finally admitted my feelings to him.