Letting Go Of A Secret, The Relief & Being Terrified Of Allowing Myself To Be The Person I Feel I am
Today I told my counsellor that I was concerned that I was taking HRT without medical supervision. She asked me how I felt about it and how the HRT made me feel. I told her that I felt calmer, clarified and my feelings were somewhat easier to organise in my head. I also mentioned that it felt like the right thing to do. I also said how I felt I got to a point where I could not deal at all with my male hormones and needed to get rid of them. The feeling that I had male hormones rushing through my veins seem to make me feel even worse and unable to cope.
I had needed to tell someone this secret because I couldn’t cope with the guilt and shame I had created inside me. One thing I found was that telling someone first somehow helped me approach my doctor about my secret.
I was very surprised that towards the end of my counselling session I appeared to suffer some kind of anxiety attack where everything went tunnel vision and surreal. This lasted for what felt like an eternity though thankfully I realised something was wrong and I had to say something. I realised that I had gone into this state of mind because I was in a kind of shock. The fact was that I had expected a completely different response to my admission. The constructive and positive response from my counsellor just didn’t seem real and I couldn’t understand that I was hearing it. Deep down in my heart I expected scorn and a chastising. I had to voice this out loud and it’s a good job I did. I also realised that I had in a gloomy way wanted to be scorned and chastised so to confirm my own guilt and shame of the situation.
I realised that my preconceptions of everyone everywhere is not quite right. Facing this reality actually turned my whole world upside down. I had built this very strong opinion that people are inherently negative about anything unusual, even if they don’t act on it on the outside. It was a bit of a slap around the face but of course I knew it to be true. Sometimes I guess we want to believe something that we are not aware we have invented. Coming to this realisation very slowly is breaking down how I perceived the entire world.
I explained that because I felt I had a slightly rough ride through life that I should have a better understanding of the world around me. I said that I thought that if you experienced the harsher side of life the rule was that you had to be wiser. I now realise that I don’t have to hang onto this concept now. With letting go of this I felt like I was reverting back to a child state again where I didn’t quite understand what was going on in the world so much because I realised I had preconceptions. We agreed that I was being too hard on myself too often.
I had told my counsellor that I was very anxious about my progress on this journey and that when I felt I was making progress something new would come along that threw me. I was told of an analogy of a ball of string where I am trying to unravel it, yet unfortunately it is very tangled and knotted. I have to see my progress more positively. My counsellor said that every strong thing that happens during my time is positive and I should count this as a step towards my healing.
After talking today I realise that I possess a persona at work and outside that appears calm, collected, organised and logical does. Yet it is true as well that when I leave the necessity of this persona behind I am at will to my own true self and I find it hard to deal with.
I am so shocked at the strength of the anxiety attack I had earlier today, and that I didn’t realise what was going on for some time. I can’t let myself fall into this again because I fear I will not make any progress in my healing if I am in this anxious state.
The counselling today felt like it had lifted a weight off my shoulders. I felt more positive inside and improved well being. I didn’t realise how helpful it would be telling someone this secret inside me.
I have realised that I have to stop beating myself up over every aspect of my existence. After today I am confident that I should be able to do this.
It is strange how much new things about myself I seem to learn these days, or maybe I am just blind to who I really am. I thought I knew and understood myself but its obvious I have lost touch or unable to see who exactly I am.
I hope so much I will get to a better understanding of who I am as a person in the end. The thought of knowing myself is scary yet a very exciting prospect. I hope I will be able to live with who I find myself to be. The prospect of being completely untangled and knotted inside is an incredible feeling.
I feel very strongly that I do know and am surer of what I need in life and who I am tonight. I seem to have these feelings of sureness every time I have a counselling session. I think it must be the result of talking through my feelings. Though this sureness seems to go away from the day of counselling. It is replaced by the usual doubts and angst.
Every time I finish a counselling session the feeling of sureness feels somewhat stronger than the last time. Right now I seem to be able to accept my feelings that I should have been born a girl because inside I feel female. I am still scared of this profoundness because I don’t know what to do with it all. I am scared of feeling I female inside. In a way I think it doesn’t do me any favours. I don’t know how long I am going to fight this. I am still looking for a reason to dismiss it all. I don’t think I’m doing this for myself at all, I feel I am doing it for everyone around me especially people close to me.