Painful Feelings
I seemed to have entered a new phase or mood in the last week. I’m unsure why I have come to this type of mood but I can’t help come up with some ideas. One idea was that the coming to terms with my feelings, or growing acceptance. Though I have learned with acceptance comes severe melancholy. I have felt extremely emotional about it all lately. I think when I was not accepting my feelings it saved me from this hurt that I feel right now. I have definitely had this sadness before.
There is something that seems to make me worse though. I understand that people may accept me as a female, yet I keep feeling immensely upset by the fact that I could never be 100 % female physically. I also get upset about how I feel I have lost out on growing up in the proper way. I have missed out on those years and spent most the time feeling dysphoric, dreaming, yearning and trying to escape. I think I realise now why before this I had avoided going too deep down if I could because I must have had a fear or memory of how bad it feels.
Today there was a girl who I not seen for some time. When I looked at her I saw she had a bump on her stomach and then I instantly realised. For some reason this hurts me so much inside. It feels like its emphasising the fact about how I was born. It emphasises what I lack. I makes me feel despair, no light at the end of the tunnel. This is exactly why I run away from what was deep down inside me.
I subconsciously chose to ignore these feelings to a point I didn’t even remember I had anything buried down there. I had gained the opinion that it was all surface deep yet I was wrong. Part of my conscious tells me to eradicate these feelings as well. And so I am in a battle to survive inside myself. I have realised that I battling to keep them up on the surface so I can deal with them properly. It is incredibly stressful keeping them afloat when they hurt so much and I don’t want pain in my life. I wish I could go through therapy every day. Though instead I have to keep it all and bottle it up for one specific day in the week.
I wish I knew why these feelings burn so brightly within me. These feelings have never gone away. I wish I knew why I have always felt I am female or not male. It has always been like an itch I could never reach. I close my eyes and all I see is my yearning. I want to reach out with my arm yet when I stretch what I need still feels so far away and I’m not sure exactly why and what I’m reaching for so badly.
I think this sadness inside me is making a little difficult to form a clear picture about what I need in life. All the sadness creates is a mist. I want my tears to take the pain and sadness away but it just makes it worse.
I feel I have held back for all this time for other people in my life and not for me. This really upsets me and I feel trapped in these invisible requirements of me. I feel that I fail them by not being a man. I hate letting these people down because I care for them. I am trapped because I feel I have to be my mother’s son and my sister’s brother as well. I can only do this as a lie for them. I find it so difficult to face them and tell them it feels like a lie. I don’t want to break up their world and happiness. I feel I am shackled and committed to their view of how they want to see me.
The hormone therapy is in no way wrong. It is a little difficult to deal with some issues like the changes it will cause not being expected by anyone. Yet keeping it a secret hurts me even more. My fear of other people’s negative opinions also creates a fear in me and I even start to become scared of things I feel I have always needed deep down so much for so long.