cabin fever
Since I don't have a vehicle available to me, I've been in the house almost constantly for five days. I did get out tonight, but only to take Julia to gymnastics for an hour. Another few days of this and you'll find me sitting in my closet, speaking gibberish and eating paste.
Charlotte was a little "off" today. Not as energetic, pooping several times a day, and every time I picked her up she just put her head on my shoulder. Very mellow. Her head felt warmer than usual, but not hot, and I took her temp twice and it was fine, so I didn't give her anything. She's eating, sleeping, and peeing just fine so I don't think there's anything to worry about but my imagination takes a wild ride; "If she's sick, she could get really sick, then she could die, OMG I can't do this again, I can't lose another baby...." Then I slap myself upside the head and move on.
It's soooo cold here, maintaining -30's with the wind chill. It's painfully cold to walk outside, even just to the car and back. I can take - 10, even some -20, but this sucks.
I haven't been out to the cemetery for probably a couple of weeks. I try not to think about, since I can't do anything about it right now, but I am feeling a bit panicky about it. I know there is nothing for me to do out there and Abby isn't really there, but I need to go. Soon.
Abby's been on my mind so much lately, especially with Christmas coming. Yesterday I was making plans for Julia and Charlotte to see Santa and I picked out what Charlotte would wear for her first Santa picture. It's moments like that when I feel pierced all over again, then the sharp pain becomes a dull ache that I carry with me until the next piercing reminder. It goes without saying, but I really wanted Abby here with us for her first Christmas.
I'm making progress with my school work, working at it whenever I get a few minutes. I just want to finish it and then see what happens. I can't picture myself as a midwife anymore; my identity has changed a lot in the past two years and it's really hard for me to believe that I'll ever practice. Sometimes I wonder if it's really what I want to do anymore. I've been away from birth work for so long that I can't remember why I ever wanted to do it in the first place.
Many of my friends are going on vacations this month - island resorts, Cuba, a spa weekend for 2, skiing in the Rockies - and although the vacations sound wonderful, I'm more jealous of the freedom they have to do those things. I'll pass on the spa vacation if I could just have a bath and shave my legs :-/
I was struggling to zip up Julia's fluffy winter jacket today and I thought to myself, "I have many, many more years of zipping up coats, making school lunches, writing cheques for ski trips, buying school clothes, brushing little teeth, ahead of me. I just wanted to sit down and cry. I love my children, and I'm so thankful that I'm a mom, but I never planned to make it a 30 year career of raising kids. The math? Kim will be 31 when Charlotte graduates from high school, and I will be 53.
On that note, I'm off to find some paste.
Charlotte was a little "off" today. Not as energetic, pooping several times a day, and every time I picked her up she just put her head on my shoulder. Very mellow. Her head felt warmer than usual, but not hot, and I took her temp twice and it was fine, so I didn't give her anything. She's eating, sleeping, and peeing just fine so I don't think there's anything to worry about but my imagination takes a wild ride; "If she's sick, she could get really sick, then she could die, OMG I can't do this again, I can't lose another baby...." Then I slap myself upside the head and move on.
It's soooo cold here, maintaining -30's with the wind chill. It's painfully cold to walk outside, even just to the car and back. I can take - 10, even some -20, but this sucks.
I haven't been out to the cemetery for probably a couple of weeks. I try not to think about, since I can't do anything about it right now, but I am feeling a bit panicky about it. I know there is nothing for me to do out there and Abby isn't really there, but I need to go. Soon.
Abby's been on my mind so much lately, especially with Christmas coming. Yesterday I was making plans for Julia and Charlotte to see Santa and I picked out what Charlotte would wear for her first Santa picture. It's moments like that when I feel pierced all over again, then the sharp pain becomes a dull ache that I carry with me until the next piercing reminder. It goes without saying, but I really wanted Abby here with us for her first Christmas.
I'm making progress with my school work, working at it whenever I get a few minutes. I just want to finish it and then see what happens. I can't picture myself as a midwife anymore; my identity has changed a lot in the past two years and it's really hard for me to believe that I'll ever practice. Sometimes I wonder if it's really what I want to do anymore. I've been away from birth work for so long that I can't remember why I ever wanted to do it in the first place.
Many of my friends are going on vacations this month - island resorts, Cuba, a spa weekend for 2, skiing in the Rockies - and although the vacations sound wonderful, I'm more jealous of the freedom they have to do those things. I'll pass on the spa vacation if I could just have a bath and shave my legs :-/
I was struggling to zip up Julia's fluffy winter jacket today and I thought to myself, "I have many, many more years of zipping up coats, making school lunches, writing cheques for ski trips, buying school clothes, brushing little teeth, ahead of me. I just wanted to sit down and cry. I love my children, and I'm so thankful that I'm a mom, but I never planned to make it a 30 year career of raising kids. The math? Kim will be 31 when Charlotte graduates from high school, and I will be 53.
On that note, I'm off to find some paste.