People Still Suck
I'm really upset with myself over how I acted last night. I don't know what comes over me when I'm around Jorge, but I don't like who I am around him. It's a little bit his fault, but I control myself and am responsible for my actions.
I drink a lot whenever I'm around him. Since I've been so healthy, 2 glasses of wine have been my maximum for drinks. I had 2 glasses of wine and 2 beers last night for no reason at all. I wasn't enjoying myself; I shouldn't have kept going. He was fixated on other people, AND he hits on girls in front of me. Gross. I am very honestly attracted to him, but his arrogance revolts me. Yet, when he concentrates on other people, I turn into a child, trying to impress him with things I can do. I just want to be recognized by him. But this is my problem in life; I am constantly looking for appreciation from people who don't understand me. It's such a lonely feeling, a desperate one. He treats me like shit, actually, when I'm not his focus.
I think I've just about hit my saturation point with people. I'm so sick of people being flakey or rude. I'm sick of hanging out with people who take out their cell phones while I'm talking. I'm sick of people talking over me to ask things I've already told them. I'm sick of selfish, self-absorbed, self-unaware people. I'm sick of people who say they want to hang out, get together with you, and then pay no attention to anything you say until you do something they find impressive or give up and bring the conversation back around to them. I'm sick of being the one who is so easily dropped, or being other people's conveniences. I am a person, for fuck's sake. I am a really good person who treats other people really well and wants to make them feel happy and feel special and feel appreciated. I'm that person who makes sure no one is left out. I'm absolutely sick of not having any of that reciprocated.
It's making me miss John, because at least he'd listen to me when I spoke. At least he'd pay attention. But fuck that. He played mind games and was a HUGGGGGGEEEEEE asshole, too. He's manipulative and terrible. And a liar. A fucking huge liar. And he told me I have a pathology for being obsessed with lying because I called him out on lying. I feel like I need years and years of therapy because of him. He's like a drug for me, though; I think he's so great until I'm stuck with him and can't get away; he turns bad really quickly.
I honestly wish Jorge and I weren't doing the pants-less subway ride together on Sunday. I wish I could do that with anyone else. Especially because we're meeting up with a friend of his at the after party-a girl that he'll probably ignore me to talk to. Maybe when the after party comes around, I'll scope out the scene, stick around an hour if it's not fun, and then go home.
I'm sad. I don't want to be around anyone. The only people who have not been obnoxious lately are Alex and Neha, but I don't care to see them either.
I have two dates next week that I suppose I'll go on, and then I'll go on dating hiatus. It's wearing to meet these assholes in quick succession. It's kind of nice when the guys pay, I've realized, because they're mostly assholes and I'm tired of spending money because it's necessary to drink to stand being around them.
I drink a lot whenever I'm around him. Since I've been so healthy, 2 glasses of wine have been my maximum for drinks. I had 2 glasses of wine and 2 beers last night for no reason at all. I wasn't enjoying myself; I shouldn't have kept going. He was fixated on other people, AND he hits on girls in front of me. Gross. I am very honestly attracted to him, but his arrogance revolts me. Yet, when he concentrates on other people, I turn into a child, trying to impress him with things I can do. I just want to be recognized by him. But this is my problem in life; I am constantly looking for appreciation from people who don't understand me. It's such a lonely feeling, a desperate one. He treats me like shit, actually, when I'm not his focus.
I think I've just about hit my saturation point with people. I'm so sick of people being flakey or rude. I'm sick of hanging out with people who take out their cell phones while I'm talking. I'm sick of people talking over me to ask things I've already told them. I'm sick of selfish, self-absorbed, self-unaware people. I'm sick of people who say they want to hang out, get together with you, and then pay no attention to anything you say until you do something they find impressive or give up and bring the conversation back around to them. I'm sick of being the one who is so easily dropped, or being other people's conveniences. I am a person, for fuck's sake. I am a really good person who treats other people really well and wants to make them feel happy and feel special and feel appreciated. I'm that person who makes sure no one is left out. I'm absolutely sick of not having any of that reciprocated.
It's making me miss John, because at least he'd listen to me when I spoke. At least he'd pay attention. But fuck that. He played mind games and was a HUGGGGGGEEEEEE asshole, too. He's manipulative and terrible. And a liar. A fucking huge liar. And he told me I have a pathology for being obsessed with lying because I called him out on lying. I feel like I need years and years of therapy because of him. He's like a drug for me, though; I think he's so great until I'm stuck with him and can't get away; he turns bad really quickly.
I honestly wish Jorge and I weren't doing the pants-less subway ride together on Sunday. I wish I could do that with anyone else. Especially because we're meeting up with a friend of his at the after party-a girl that he'll probably ignore me to talk to. Maybe when the after party comes around, I'll scope out the scene, stick around an hour if it's not fun, and then go home.
I'm sad. I don't want to be around anyone. The only people who have not been obnoxious lately are Alex and Neha, but I don't care to see them either.
I have two dates next week that I suppose I'll go on, and then I'll go on dating hiatus. It's wearing to meet these assholes in quick succession. It's kind of nice when the guys pay, I've realized, because they're mostly assholes and I'm tired of spending money because it's necessary to drink to stand being around them.