Back to the Real World
I just disabled the OKCupid account. I'm going to look at that as an experiment, I think. It's good to know so many random guys were interested in me, however I don't think the site is anything but a source of exhaustion for me. I don't know how to find a normal person in real life, but I suppose it'll either happen or it won't. I'm tired. I don't think online dating is for me. I'm too sensitive for it.
Ugh. I'm so depressed today. I didn't go write, so I'll have to do that later. I still have a list of things to do, and it's already 1:15. I told Robin that I would join her for job searching, but that's the last thing on my mind. It should probably be high up on my list, though, since I drank three glasses of wine last night and then fell asleep at the first Broadway musical I've ever attended. I also made a crack about Mormons just before Adrian told me our President is a Mormon and his wife was standing just behind me.
Adrian couldn't be pissing me off more, lately. He's so self-serving and such a druggie. I'm completely grossed out by him and annoyed. He's a complete egomaniac, and once you've been around it long enough, it's all you notice about him.
I'm tired of people, in general. I'm tired of people I can't relate to, such as Robin. I really don't want to see her because of how "normal" she is. She doesn't understand why I don't just take everything casually. Every time I'm upset by anything, it seems that she brings it back to how I should just see how it goes or that I should just change whatever it is that's bothering me, as though there isn't a feeling attached to it. But so much of life is intense for me, filled with intense emotion. I can't separate myself from the world emotionally if I don't separate myself from it altogether; I'm either off or on, in or out. That's the way I'm wired. I'll pretend to be wired a different way, to follow someone's advice, but it doesn't work. I'm too passionate about people or love or my music or my writing. I can't just try different things for fun without quickly becoming hugely invested. I ruin myself when things don't work out.
Fuck it all, I'm so depressed. I fucking hate everything right now. I don't want to talk to any of those people who have my numbers, especially Eric. I don't want to just hope that someone finds me special enough to love me. I don't know how to find someone who appreciates me in the way I need to be appreciated, so I fucking give up. I just want to live my life, whatever that means.
I don't know what that means.
Ugh. I'm so depressed today. I didn't go write, so I'll have to do that later. I still have a list of things to do, and it's already 1:15. I told Robin that I would join her for job searching, but that's the last thing on my mind. It should probably be high up on my list, though, since I drank three glasses of wine last night and then fell asleep at the first Broadway musical I've ever attended. I also made a crack about Mormons just before Adrian told me our President is a Mormon and his wife was standing just behind me.
Adrian couldn't be pissing me off more, lately. He's so self-serving and such a druggie. I'm completely grossed out by him and annoyed. He's a complete egomaniac, and once you've been around it long enough, it's all you notice about him.
I'm tired of people, in general. I'm tired of people I can't relate to, such as Robin. I really don't want to see her because of how "normal" she is. She doesn't understand why I don't just take everything casually. Every time I'm upset by anything, it seems that she brings it back to how I should just see how it goes or that I should just change whatever it is that's bothering me, as though there isn't a feeling attached to it. But so much of life is intense for me, filled with intense emotion. I can't separate myself from the world emotionally if I don't separate myself from it altogether; I'm either off or on, in or out. That's the way I'm wired. I'll pretend to be wired a different way, to follow someone's advice, but it doesn't work. I'm too passionate about people or love or my music or my writing. I can't just try different things for fun without quickly becoming hugely invested. I ruin myself when things don't work out.
Fuck it all, I'm so depressed. I fucking hate everything right now. I don't want to talk to any of those people who have my numbers, especially Eric. I don't want to just hope that someone finds me special enough to love me. I don't know how to find someone who appreciates me in the way I need to be appreciated, so I fucking give up. I just want to live my life, whatever that means.
I don't know what that means.