Daydreams and Broken Records
I'm sad today. I think about John more and more every day. I'm like a broken record: the same thoughts play through my head. I think about the loss, about cooking together and cleaning the house and going to bed together. I think about having sex and painting and playing boggle. I loved holding his hand in public and kissing him. I think about being special to him. I don't know if I'll get over this. I know most people get over this kind of loss, but I'm sensitive and choosey in whom I love. There were things I loved. There are things I miss and wished for so badly that I miss them, even though they never were realized.
I have daydreams of him. I dream that I'll come out of my office or turn onto Jackson Street and see him there, waiting for me, wanting to just kiss and hold me. I think about what I'd say. I think about how I'd kiss him. I think about the right things he could say.
Then I think about him apologizing to me.
And I realize, he wouldn't. He wouldn't have the right, kind words that I'd need to hear. He wouldn't understand what he did that was just so terrible-over and over again. He wouldn't understand what he's done; he could never admit to it. He would never make me feel alright again. He'd just leave me alone again.
I'd be more alone with him than without him. He'd just break my heart over and over again, and I'd be as much of a broken record with him as reminiscing without him. He wouldn't understand me or take care of me or realize I'm more important than his friends. He wouldn't love me selflessly. He wouldn't protect me. He wouldn't comfort me when I would feel sad. He wouldn't hold me at the right time. He wouldn't hug me for no reason.
And even though I'm crying now, at least I'm not crying because I'm trapped in a very small world with him. Though I sometimes wonder if it's better to be trapped in a very small world with him than a very large world without him. They both seem like cages to me, sometimes.
Rebecca wants me to join J-Date. Maybe I will. It just makes me feel so desperate. I just want to give up. I'm lonely. I know it. I just don't know what I am or what I'm doing with myself. I'm just so sad today. It's been terrible at work-I didn't even get time for lunch again. And then I snacked too much, and I know I'll gain that weight back. I just feel so down, and I have nowhere to go.
I just hate myself today. I want someone to lay with who's stronger than me, who makes me feel like a woman, and who makes everything seem little compared to what I feel for him and what he feels for me. I want someone who makes me warm. I don't want to find anyone through freaking online dating. I don't want to try anymore with anyone. I'm tired. TIRED.
My heart just hurts, and I feel so fucking betrayed by John. And he'll never make it right and never love me the way I need to be loved. All I ever wanted was for him to love me like I loved him. Fucking shallow, self-righteous, lying, disloyal, betraying, selfish son of a bitch. You broke my heart, and I may never recover from you. And you're not even fucking worth it.
I have daydreams of him. I dream that I'll come out of my office or turn onto Jackson Street and see him there, waiting for me, wanting to just kiss and hold me. I think about what I'd say. I think about how I'd kiss him. I think about the right things he could say.
Then I think about him apologizing to me.
And I realize, he wouldn't. He wouldn't have the right, kind words that I'd need to hear. He wouldn't understand what he did that was just so terrible-over and over again. He wouldn't understand what he's done; he could never admit to it. He would never make me feel alright again. He'd just leave me alone again.
I'd be more alone with him than without him. He'd just break my heart over and over again, and I'd be as much of a broken record with him as reminiscing without him. He wouldn't understand me or take care of me or realize I'm more important than his friends. He wouldn't love me selflessly. He wouldn't protect me. He wouldn't comfort me when I would feel sad. He wouldn't hold me at the right time. He wouldn't hug me for no reason.
And even though I'm crying now, at least I'm not crying because I'm trapped in a very small world with him. Though I sometimes wonder if it's better to be trapped in a very small world with him than a very large world without him. They both seem like cages to me, sometimes.
Rebecca wants me to join J-Date. Maybe I will. It just makes me feel so desperate. I just want to give up. I'm lonely. I know it. I just don't know what I am or what I'm doing with myself. I'm just so sad today. It's been terrible at work-I didn't even get time for lunch again. And then I snacked too much, and I know I'll gain that weight back. I just feel so down, and I have nowhere to go.
I just hate myself today. I want someone to lay with who's stronger than me, who makes me feel like a woman, and who makes everything seem little compared to what I feel for him and what he feels for me. I want someone who makes me warm. I don't want to find anyone through freaking online dating. I don't want to try anymore with anyone. I'm tired. TIRED.
My heart just hurts, and I feel so fucking betrayed by John. And he'll never make it right and never love me the way I need to be loved. All I ever wanted was for him to love me like I loved him. Fucking shallow, self-righteous, lying, disloyal, betraying, selfish son of a bitch. You broke my heart, and I may never recover from you. And you're not even fucking worth it.