Tashian Devices
Marilyn, my therapist, gave me quite a bit to think about. For some reason, I can't get over the fact that she gave me a lot to think about when it was I that did about 99% of the talking. What a stupid thing to keep mulling over in my mind.
At the risk of riding on Joyce's coattails, I'm just going to transcribe the disorganized contents of my mind without attempting to tidy them up at all:
My brother and my father have always set the bar for what is okay and what isn't okay. I've always admired them and let them set that bar because someone had to set it and it sure as hell couldn't be my mother. It had to be my family to set the bar for things because the idea that "family is all that matters" has been ingrained into me. I was taught not to trust anyone but my family, that there is a dark side to everyone and everything and that it'll come out at some point and the only people I can depend upon are my family. This was backed up by my experiences with people in middle and high school, and seeing my parents get screwed over time and again. And I've always been extremely sensitive in the first place. Since I was a little kid, perhaps even as young as 5, I thought that my parents favored my brother over me. I wrote on the back of a Santa Claus cardboard cut out that I kept in my closet, "Mom loves Josh more than me." I meant for the letters to be big and bold, so it would resemble a protest sign, and yet I was so young that I didn't know how to write in a larger size. So, being extremely sensitive and feeling like I had to try really hard to gain acceptance from my parents and even compare with my brother. My father is a great man and I've never loved anyone more than him - writing this alone makes me feel overwhelmed. When I was little, he had patience for me, taught me so many fun things, made everything cute and fun and wonderful, from making drawing boards for Josh and I and giving us all types of art supplies to teaching us how to do voices to playing word games with us to making a bathroom step stool for us with his own painterly rendition of PJ Funny Bunny atop a toilet. He showed us so much tenderness, and much more equally, I think, than my mother did, that he's become more special than anything else. I love him. And he still is wonderful to me, and no one can take his place in my heart. And my brother has been my best friend growing up, except that his confidence has always been very high, and his decisions were always his own and he made them because in his mind, there was never an alternative to the decision he made. He thinks he has made the right decision, every time he makes a decision. And I think he usually does make the right decision. But that's because I'm preconditioned to think all of his decisions are right, and that's what I judge myself upon. From morality to trends. This is getting jumbled? Yes, yes it definitely is.
Plus, my parents, especially my father, have always told me how smart, mature, and righteous Josh is. Growing up and being constantly told this, especially in the case of contrasting the two of us, I've come to recognize Josh as a sagely sort of figure. So, whatever Josh says weighs very heavily in my mind. And we were always very close - it's odd you look up to the person you want to be close friends with; you can never be equals and whatever happens, their ideas are worthier than yours. Josh's ideas have always been worthier than mine. Every game we made up as kids - his ideas were always better. Such is the way it is with older siblings. But somehow the dynamic became screwed up. When my brother disapproved of my friends or criticized them, my parents would agree and talk about them too. They would also always talk to me about how brilliant or gifted he was, or tell me stories about great things he did, including the things that just made everyone adore him. Whenever I had a problem, they would compare me to him (as this continued over several years, I came to ask why they always compared me to him and told them that it made me feel bad; they responded that it was because he was around the same age and they were just trying to give me something to relate to).
And when we moved to Arizona, it really was just the four of us and we had no choice but to become closer. I was 9 then and Josh was 12. Josh went to school for 7th grade and I went to school for half of fourth, yanked out for the last half because my principal was molesting the students. So, I went from having a ton of friends in Florida to being "homeschooled" by my parents (which really meant that I went to work with them every day, greeted their patients, and helped with mailings...my father would teach me to write at random intervals). Josh joined me for his 8th grade year, after making his own decision to leave school. My only friend was a girl named Chie Morita, and my family complained about her. And why not? She was a total brat and very immature (though of course, we were only 10 years old). On the other hand, she was my only friend for those years.
I'm getting off track and losing interest myself. Okay, so that was all to say that Josh has become so weird sort of authority figure in my life. He sets the bar on what's okay and what's not. If he tells me that Pumas are out and Adidas are in, I feel uncomfortable wearing my Pumas, even if I don't want to feel uncomfortable and I tell myself that it's all trivial. And the thing is that he isn't trying to be an authority figure - everyone has opinions and he is well-informed and a pretty awesome person. it's just unfortunate for me that he's the end all. For example, John kept ordering bellinis at breakfast in New York. For Josh, that's too much drinking. All of a sudden, the prospect of drinking with John for fun has become uncomfortable. And, worse, all of a sudden, John seems like an excessive person, almost undesirable.
And I want to be with someone good enough. For some reason, I don't trust my family when they think that John measures up. In the traumatized depths of my mind, I ask myself, "Is he like us?" And then I answer, "No one can be like us. No one will ever be my father or brother. He's not as wise, not as well-read, not as eloquent, not as artistic. He's not cultured enough for me. He's not good enough for me." And I don't give him a chance. I can't let him be different from my father or brother.
And it's curious, because I was attracted to John from the start. And when I can finally relax and stop being judgmental, even for one moment, it seems infinitely better. Marilyn says that she doesn't think I'm that judgmental and that all this turmoil is the bit of an internal battle within me that's surfacing. She asked me when the last time was that I felt like myself. I told her that it's been quite awhile.
And I think about all the things I hide from the world, the secret facets of me that I'm scared to death to reveal, unless I'm certain I can trust the people I share them with not to judge me: my sexual nature, certain types of music I kind of like when I'm in the mood (i.e. Shpongle, or even some trashy pop/hiphop music that I happen to find fun to dance to), my confidence even, the solitude I find in graveyards, exercise videos, America's Next Top Model, Hookah, being Atheist, my curiosity about drugs, etc. All of these things and so many others, I hide from different people in my life on a regular basis. I'm scared to death to lose anyone's respect. I guess you could say I'm a very private person, but there's so much behind it.
Marilyn has led to wonder if John and I are a lot alike and if we would really would be quite comfortable with one another if I could only learn to be myself and learn what I like, and let myself love him because I approve of him. Love him unconditionally because he is so much like me and because he loves me unconditionally - a love I'm only supposed to experience in the confines of my immediate family, but which I've always experienced as conditional and struggled to hold onto.
Another quick thing before my computer dies (and I'll explore it further later): my parents have kept me on such tight reins my entire life, even basically forcing me to live with them last year and my mother treating me like she does at work. They discouraged me so much from moving out of the house, let alone moving to another state. Marilyn said that in order to have a full relationship like I'm trying to have with John, that I need to have more independence. And I realize, I am so reliant on my parents' love (nothing else, really) and I am heartbroken being apart from my father and brother past a certain duration of time. I have never found that independence. It's a scary thought. But, I haven't been released yet to roam free of the (dis)comfort of my family. At least not without anticipating earth-shattering heartbreak, nostalgia, anxiety, the feeling of being completely directionless (as my father wrote to me in 10th grade "if I died tomorrow, I would hope that you'd find your way") and scared. It has to be done. Maybe this is the reason why I have lately had such a fear of loss when it comes to loving my father and brother. Anyway, it has to happen.
I bet this entry makes no sense. I'm not bothering to look it over. It's not Joycian, either. It's more Tashian. It's odd.
At the risk of riding on Joyce's coattails, I'm just going to transcribe the disorganized contents of my mind without attempting to tidy them up at all:
My brother and my father have always set the bar for what is okay and what isn't okay. I've always admired them and let them set that bar because someone had to set it and it sure as hell couldn't be my mother. It had to be my family to set the bar for things because the idea that "family is all that matters" has been ingrained into me. I was taught not to trust anyone but my family, that there is a dark side to everyone and everything and that it'll come out at some point and the only people I can depend upon are my family. This was backed up by my experiences with people in middle and high school, and seeing my parents get screwed over time and again. And I've always been extremely sensitive in the first place. Since I was a little kid, perhaps even as young as 5, I thought that my parents favored my brother over me. I wrote on the back of a Santa Claus cardboard cut out that I kept in my closet, "Mom loves Josh more than me." I meant for the letters to be big and bold, so it would resemble a protest sign, and yet I was so young that I didn't know how to write in a larger size. So, being extremely sensitive and feeling like I had to try really hard to gain acceptance from my parents and even compare with my brother. My father is a great man and I've never loved anyone more than him - writing this alone makes me feel overwhelmed. When I was little, he had patience for me, taught me so many fun things, made everything cute and fun and wonderful, from making drawing boards for Josh and I and giving us all types of art supplies to teaching us how to do voices to playing word games with us to making a bathroom step stool for us with his own painterly rendition of PJ Funny Bunny atop a toilet. He showed us so much tenderness, and much more equally, I think, than my mother did, that he's become more special than anything else. I love him. And he still is wonderful to me, and no one can take his place in my heart. And my brother has been my best friend growing up, except that his confidence has always been very high, and his decisions were always his own and he made them because in his mind, there was never an alternative to the decision he made. He thinks he has made the right decision, every time he makes a decision. And I think he usually does make the right decision. But that's because I'm preconditioned to think all of his decisions are right, and that's what I judge myself upon. From morality to trends. This is getting jumbled? Yes, yes it definitely is.
Plus, my parents, especially my father, have always told me how smart, mature, and righteous Josh is. Growing up and being constantly told this, especially in the case of contrasting the two of us, I've come to recognize Josh as a sagely sort of figure. So, whatever Josh says weighs very heavily in my mind. And we were always very close - it's odd you look up to the person you want to be close friends with; you can never be equals and whatever happens, their ideas are worthier than yours. Josh's ideas have always been worthier than mine. Every game we made up as kids - his ideas were always better. Such is the way it is with older siblings. But somehow the dynamic became screwed up. When my brother disapproved of my friends or criticized them, my parents would agree and talk about them too. They would also always talk to me about how brilliant or gifted he was, or tell me stories about great things he did, including the things that just made everyone adore him. Whenever I had a problem, they would compare me to him (as this continued over several years, I came to ask why they always compared me to him and told them that it made me feel bad; they responded that it was because he was around the same age and they were just trying to give me something to relate to).
And when we moved to Arizona, it really was just the four of us and we had no choice but to become closer. I was 9 then and Josh was 12. Josh went to school for 7th grade and I went to school for half of fourth, yanked out for the last half because my principal was molesting the students. So, I went from having a ton of friends in Florida to being "homeschooled" by my parents (which really meant that I went to work with them every day, greeted their patients, and helped with mailings...my father would teach me to write at random intervals). Josh joined me for his 8th grade year, after making his own decision to leave school. My only friend was a girl named Chie Morita, and my family complained about her. And why not? She was a total brat and very immature (though of course, we were only 10 years old). On the other hand, she was my only friend for those years.
I'm getting off track and losing interest myself. Okay, so that was all to say that Josh has become so weird sort of authority figure in my life. He sets the bar on what's okay and what's not. If he tells me that Pumas are out and Adidas are in, I feel uncomfortable wearing my Pumas, even if I don't want to feel uncomfortable and I tell myself that it's all trivial. And the thing is that he isn't trying to be an authority figure - everyone has opinions and he is well-informed and a pretty awesome person. it's just unfortunate for me that he's the end all. For example, John kept ordering bellinis at breakfast in New York. For Josh, that's too much drinking. All of a sudden, the prospect of drinking with John for fun has become uncomfortable. And, worse, all of a sudden, John seems like an excessive person, almost undesirable.
And I want to be with someone good enough. For some reason, I don't trust my family when they think that John measures up. In the traumatized depths of my mind, I ask myself, "Is he like us?" And then I answer, "No one can be like us. No one will ever be my father or brother. He's not as wise, not as well-read, not as eloquent, not as artistic. He's not cultured enough for me. He's not good enough for me." And I don't give him a chance. I can't let him be different from my father or brother.
And it's curious, because I was attracted to John from the start. And when I can finally relax and stop being judgmental, even for one moment, it seems infinitely better. Marilyn says that she doesn't think I'm that judgmental and that all this turmoil is the bit of an internal battle within me that's surfacing. She asked me when the last time was that I felt like myself. I told her that it's been quite awhile.
And I think about all the things I hide from the world, the secret facets of me that I'm scared to death to reveal, unless I'm certain I can trust the people I share them with not to judge me: my sexual nature, certain types of music I kind of like when I'm in the mood (i.e. Shpongle, or even some trashy pop/hiphop music that I happen to find fun to dance to), my confidence even, the solitude I find in graveyards, exercise videos, America's Next Top Model, Hookah, being Atheist, my curiosity about drugs, etc. All of these things and so many others, I hide from different people in my life on a regular basis. I'm scared to death to lose anyone's respect. I guess you could say I'm a very private person, but there's so much behind it.
Marilyn has led to wonder if John and I are a lot alike and if we would really would be quite comfortable with one another if I could only learn to be myself and learn what I like, and let myself love him because I approve of him. Love him unconditionally because he is so much like me and because he loves me unconditionally - a love I'm only supposed to experience in the confines of my immediate family, but which I've always experienced as conditional and struggled to hold onto.
Another quick thing before my computer dies (and I'll explore it further later): my parents have kept me on such tight reins my entire life, even basically forcing me to live with them last year and my mother treating me like she does at work. They discouraged me so much from moving out of the house, let alone moving to another state. Marilyn said that in order to have a full relationship like I'm trying to have with John, that I need to have more independence. And I realize, I am so reliant on my parents' love (nothing else, really) and I am heartbroken being apart from my father and brother past a certain duration of time. I have never found that independence. It's a scary thought. But, I haven't been released yet to roam free of the (dis)comfort of my family. At least not without anticipating earth-shattering heartbreak, nostalgia, anxiety, the feeling of being completely directionless (as my father wrote to me in 10th grade "if I died tomorrow, I would hope that you'd find your way") and scared. It has to be done. Maybe this is the reason why I have lately had such a fear of loss when it comes to loving my father and brother. Anyway, it has to happen.
I bet this entry makes no sense. I'm not bothering to look it over. It's not Joycian, either. It's more Tashian. It's odd.