(no subject)
I had to light incense to mask the smell of a clove I tried to smoke in my room earlier. 'Cloves smell nice,' I thought, 'not like cigarettes.' And then it came to my attention that cloves somehow smell different inside than they do outside.
Its been awhile since I've burned incense, at least more than three months - I moved back home around that time and I had to dig the sticks out from a box in the garage. It was in a plastic tupperware made for shoe storage, along with a bunch of other stuff I've collected over the years and determined to be 'mystical' - an assortment of tea lights, taper candles, fabrics in jewel tones, a set of tarot cards, and of course different boxes of incense.
I don't typically smoke, but I bought this pack of cloves two days ago before I headed to Connor O'Neils (sp?) and attempt a talking-to/break up with John. The attempt was unsuccessful. After 2 hours of off and on crying, and 4 Guinnesses, I stood up frustrated, said farewell, and headed for the bar to settle my tab. He walked away and I was overcome by a feeling of suffocation. I walked out of the pub desperately, grabbed my phone and tried to call him to no avail. I looked up from my phone, and he had come back around the corner to me. I wanted to run to him, like in the movies, and after 4Guinnesses, I felt like I was in the movies. I hugged him, ran my fingers through his hair (Italian's have this thick, glossy black hair that's a naturally occuring piece of art) while he kissed me on my temples randomly.
We walked around a little more before we agreed that it was cold and we should go somewhere else. At Boulder Cafe, we talked some more - he asked me what was wrong so i told him and he argued with me about it, twisting my words. At one point, all I got out of my sentence was "I -" before he cut me off and said "I know, you think I don't have a right to..." and he kept going. It was all very frustrating, as it has been.
I don't want to list all the things that I think are wrong. I'm not ready to, in case things shape up. I have a problem putting things in writing, as though it will cement in reality. This is probably a Jewish thing, like the superstition that if you tell a lie, it is already half true because you put it out there.
But then he's going to a concert tonight - Bluetech. Alright, he listens to this Ambient music, all this drug music. It's not all bad. It's taken me awhile to admit that I had an awesome time at the Shpongle concert. But honestly, I listen to this music when I'm studying, or high. I like Indie. I like Vampire Weekend and the Decemberists. Belle and Sebastian, Coconut Records, Brazilian Girls, My Morning Jacket. I like happy music. I like music that means something to me.
Dana told me I don't belong in Boulder. She told me if I don't get out of here in a year and go to NYC or Boston, she's going to tell me I'm an idiot. She said it doesn't matter if I was going to a music school or not, that after she got her Julliard Masters, she was still competing with voices that were fantastic and not university trained for Met Auditions.
I don't want this intellectualism to fall away in my relationship problems. I've let that happen before. For the first time, I'm trying in school and I'm at the top of 3 of my classes - my Short Story Seminar, Development of Musical Theatre, and my Critical Thinking in Philosophy class. I've aced all my papers and exams. I'm doing good for the first time in my life because I got over my fear of failure and tried. I can't let this go.
John is so intelligent, but he says he'd rather just be numb to it all. That it doesn't help him with anything. That he'd rather read fantasy novels than classics. He hates this world and wants to escape it.
But I don't want to escape it. It's impossible to do that anyway - you're just deluding yourself, which is, I guess, in its own right a form of escapism. But I like figuring out what's wonderful about the world and letting my discoveries wash over me. I don't want to numb myself to it. I want to see myself as a part of it. If something's bad, I want to change it. He doesn't believe it will change and what's the point - things will be how they will be and he doesn't want to begin to care.
What is going on in my life? I guess things will run their course and fritter away or improve and I'll fall back into the mode of infatuation I was in before he ruined my birthday and led me to believe he was nothing more than a selfish man who includes me as part of his perception of the empty world.
A few hours ago, we were talking and I told him that the more time that passes that I don't see him and feel a resolution, the more apathetic I get. I am an all or nothing kind of person. And then I felt very sick, as I sometimes do when my level of stress reaches its apex and said "I think I'm very sick." (This is all over text message of course - it's the only way we communicate somehow, especially when he's at work.) He writes back ten minutes later, when I am curled up in fetal position on the floor, "I'm sorry to hear that." The response hit me as so insincere and so quenched of emotion. I didn't respond. Then, then minutes later, he writes in his usual text message spelling that insults me as a speaker of the English language, "R u going to b ok?"
I wrote back, deliberately being obscure, "I don't know about that and no, I don't know what's going on with me."
Then I went to get help from my father, my doctor. He did what he could and I retunred a little while later to my room to "Okay, if u need me I'll b there no problem n e time." and then "U mean so much to me plz don't feel lost it will b ok"
It's not okay, though. There needs to be a miracle.
I'm trying to be fair in thinking he should keep his plans of going to a show when we are in the midst of a relationship breakdown that he apparently cares so much about. But somehow, I can't. One, because I think he would have gone to something that was much smaller, and he only bought his ticket last night. Two, because, like I said, the more time that elapses, the more I feel disconnected from him.
He asks me if I already feel like it's over. The more time I get used to just feeling weird about us and not being around him, the more I feel like it is ending, yes. He doesn't see this no matter how many times I tell him. He wants to pick me up tomorrow and have a nice day. I don't think I can just jump right back into feeling happy again, after all of this and after yet another day passes.
I don't know what to do. This all hurts too much, but obviously It's too hard not being in limbo. And more and more, I'm just settling on my theory that he's selfish. And, if he really doesn't believe in change, maybe that is the end of us.
Its been awhile since I've burned incense, at least more than three months - I moved back home around that time and I had to dig the sticks out from a box in the garage. It was in a plastic tupperware made for shoe storage, along with a bunch of other stuff I've collected over the years and determined to be 'mystical' - an assortment of tea lights, taper candles, fabrics in jewel tones, a set of tarot cards, and of course different boxes of incense.
I don't typically smoke, but I bought this pack of cloves two days ago before I headed to Connor O'Neils (sp?) and attempt a talking-to/break up with John. The attempt was unsuccessful. After 2 hours of off and on crying, and 4 Guinnesses, I stood up frustrated, said farewell, and headed for the bar to settle my tab. He walked away and I was overcome by a feeling of suffocation. I walked out of the pub desperately, grabbed my phone and tried to call him to no avail. I looked up from my phone, and he had come back around the corner to me. I wanted to run to him, like in the movies, and after 4Guinnesses, I felt like I was in the movies. I hugged him, ran my fingers through his hair (Italian's have this thick, glossy black hair that's a naturally occuring piece of art) while he kissed me on my temples randomly.
We walked around a little more before we agreed that it was cold and we should go somewhere else. At Boulder Cafe, we talked some more - he asked me what was wrong so i told him and he argued with me about it, twisting my words. At one point, all I got out of my sentence was "I -" before he cut me off and said "I know, you think I don't have a right to..." and he kept going. It was all very frustrating, as it has been.
I don't want to list all the things that I think are wrong. I'm not ready to, in case things shape up. I have a problem putting things in writing, as though it will cement in reality. This is probably a Jewish thing, like the superstition that if you tell a lie, it is already half true because you put it out there.
But then he's going to a concert tonight - Bluetech. Alright, he listens to this Ambient music, all this drug music. It's not all bad. It's taken me awhile to admit that I had an awesome time at the Shpongle concert. But honestly, I listen to this music when I'm studying, or high. I like Indie. I like Vampire Weekend and the Decemberists. Belle and Sebastian, Coconut Records, Brazilian Girls, My Morning Jacket. I like happy music. I like music that means something to me.
Dana told me I don't belong in Boulder. She told me if I don't get out of here in a year and go to NYC or Boston, she's going to tell me I'm an idiot. She said it doesn't matter if I was going to a music school or not, that after she got her Julliard Masters, she was still competing with voices that were fantastic and not university trained for Met Auditions.
I don't want this intellectualism to fall away in my relationship problems. I've let that happen before. For the first time, I'm trying in school and I'm at the top of 3 of my classes - my Short Story Seminar, Development of Musical Theatre, and my Critical Thinking in Philosophy class. I've aced all my papers and exams. I'm doing good for the first time in my life because I got over my fear of failure and tried. I can't let this go.
John is so intelligent, but he says he'd rather just be numb to it all. That it doesn't help him with anything. That he'd rather read fantasy novels than classics. He hates this world and wants to escape it.
But I don't want to escape it. It's impossible to do that anyway - you're just deluding yourself, which is, I guess, in its own right a form of escapism. But I like figuring out what's wonderful about the world and letting my discoveries wash over me. I don't want to numb myself to it. I want to see myself as a part of it. If something's bad, I want to change it. He doesn't believe it will change and what's the point - things will be how they will be and he doesn't want to begin to care.
What is going on in my life? I guess things will run their course and fritter away or improve and I'll fall back into the mode of infatuation I was in before he ruined my birthday and led me to believe he was nothing more than a selfish man who includes me as part of his perception of the empty world.
A few hours ago, we were talking and I told him that the more time that passes that I don't see him and feel a resolution, the more apathetic I get. I am an all or nothing kind of person. And then I felt very sick, as I sometimes do when my level of stress reaches its apex and said "I think I'm very sick." (This is all over text message of course - it's the only way we communicate somehow, especially when he's at work.) He writes back ten minutes later, when I am curled up in fetal position on the floor, "I'm sorry to hear that." The response hit me as so insincere and so quenched of emotion. I didn't respond. Then, then minutes later, he writes in his usual text message spelling that insults me as a speaker of the English language, "R u going to b ok?"
I wrote back, deliberately being obscure, "I don't know about that and no, I don't know what's going on with me."
Then I went to get help from my father, my doctor. He did what he could and I retunred a little while later to my room to "Okay, if u need me I'll b there no problem n e time." and then "U mean so much to me plz don't feel lost it will b ok"
It's not okay, though. There needs to be a miracle.
I'm trying to be fair in thinking he should keep his plans of going to a show when we are in the midst of a relationship breakdown that he apparently cares so much about. But somehow, I can't. One, because I think he would have gone to something that was much smaller, and he only bought his ticket last night. Two, because, like I said, the more time that elapses, the more I feel disconnected from him.
He asks me if I already feel like it's over. The more time I get used to just feeling weird about us and not being around him, the more I feel like it is ending, yes. He doesn't see this no matter how many times I tell him. He wants to pick me up tomorrow and have a nice day. I don't think I can just jump right back into feeling happy again, after all of this and after yet another day passes.
I don't know what to do. This all hurts too much, but obviously It's too hard not being in limbo. And more and more, I'm just settling on my theory that he's selfish. And, if he really doesn't believe in change, maybe that is the end of us.