Stay...

[_fredless]

Twice in a single day Wesley had asked me if I had wanted him to stay, and twice I had replied with the answer I thought we both wanted to hear. After downstairs, and Charles, I had been so frightened of anything ever remotely resembling alone that the words had come tumbling out with a force I thought I had forgotten. And then, in the part after

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[xxcordeliaxx]

I took a rebar through the gut because of this man

[_fredless]

I moved easily enough through the kitchen, conciously aware of how I sought to mimic the dance I had seen mom perform countless times, slipping from one place to the other with practiced history. And even as new as everything felt, there was...history. Mine and the hotels, and the timing where it started to become the same thing again

[xxcordeliaxx]

"Yes. It is."Boy, death really did a number on her. Not that she isn't entitled to be less cheerful than usual after what she went through, I just haven't adjusted to it yet. The new version of Fred. The one who looks like she needs comfort instead of being the one giving the comfort

[_fredless]

I was surprised at how easily eating came to me once I sat down and set to actually doing so. After all, the food was there, and I was there, and Cordy was across from me just like we had done countless times before, and I guess that...well at least it was something.

And right now something felt like a lot. Only I did hate the part where that thought made me feel like crying over all over again. So I looked up from my plate and caught up Cordy's profile, and something in her face worked me into remembering the night before. Because that? That had been...something too. So just as quickly as it had come the moment passed, and I think I might have even felt a small smile form.

"What? No!"

I almost choked on my biscut, but it kept me from saying anything right at the moment, anything that might've gotten me in trouble. Instead I just watched Cordy and waited, sure than eventually she would come around. Of all the things that had been dumped on us the past few days, one of them certainly was more time, and I was willing to use it

[xxcordeliaxx]

"He makes...me makes all the hard edges softer. A little more liveable. I think I might already need him a bit more than is fair."

"I don't think 'fair' exists for us anymore."

I looked down, pushing my food along my plate with the fork but not eating it. There's a reason why people don't have deep thoughts early in the morning. Just like there's a reason why when they have them, they don't say them out loud. It's too much to handle before your second cup of coffee, and I happen to still need a first.

"Your turn."Does Fred honestly think that I'm going to go back and forth with her spilling secrets about my new undying lover when I'm not exactly sure that's what he is yet? When I spend half of the time wanting to stake him and the other

[_fredless]

"I don't think 'fair' exists for us anymore."

"I guess that's probally what it is then, making all this so hard," I agree quietly, somehow now willing to abandon the idea of food completely. I begin collecting the dishes, because somehow if we're going to say all these things, then the part where I can move, if only a little, helps.

If I accepted all of it, really accepted...would it make everything closer to what it was? By knowing that it won't ever be again?

"H..." Help me Cordy. "How do you handle it all so well?"

"Spike makes things...I mean...he's....Spike is a pain in the ass. We fight like cats and dogs."This was probally easier to talk about as anything else, even with how difficult that it was to start. But the fact that we had somehow now moved on to the entirely open use of names wasn't lost on me

[xxcordeliaxx]

"So why are we both fighting running away from what seems to help most of all?"I was about to deny that I was running from Spike, but then I remembered what I'd done. Got up, showered, got dressed, and left if you want to get specific. I didn't even let myself kiss him

[_fredless]

"I...It's new. You know?"

"I...know." I actually smiled, and met Cordy's eyes in a moment of understanding. "Of if it isn't new, with all the gloss and the packaging, then maybe it's all ...unknown? Because I think we're all still a little worn."

I sighed, and wished that I still had a plate in front of me, something there...if only to distract.

"I need to remember how to make it better again."

I remembered once thinking that I might've been good at that.

"I've been trying to find the time to talk to Angel but I keep letting myself get distracted. We're going to have to hide everything wooden within a five mile radius of the hotel when I finally do say something about it."

"Are you ready to tell him," I asked softly. "I mean...do you think you keep getting distracted because you don't have it all sorted out yet? Or because you really are worried what he will do?"

I might've actually found another smile.

"We're the ones that couldn't even use names there for a while. Do you think we're up to talking to others?"