Stay...
Twice in a single day Wesley had asked me if I had wanted him to stay, and twice I had replied with the answer I thought we both wanted to hear. After downstairs, and Charles, I had been so frightened of anything ever remotely resembling alone that the words had come tumbling out with a force I thought I had forgotten. And then, in the part after
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And right now something felt like a lot. Only I did hate the part where that thought made me feel like crying over all over again. So I looked up from my plate and caught up Cordy's profile, and something in her face worked me into remembering the night before. Because that? That had been...something too. So just as quickly as it had come the moment passed, and I think I might have even felt a small smile form.
"What? No!"
I almost choked on my biscut, but it kept me from saying anything right at the moment, anything that might've gotten me in trouble. Instead I just watched Cordy and waited, sure than eventually she would come around. Of all the things that had been dumped on us the past few days, one of them certainly was more time, and I was willing to use it.
That was until I caught her studying my own hair, and actually felt a blush delevop across my cheeks. I guess I had the abilty to do that again too. You would think on a second go around I wouldn't be so easily flustered, but I guess things hadn't been improved, just extended a bit. At least for..
Now we just had to do with it what we could.
"What about him?"
"I'm not really sure," I offered truthfully, watching Cordy for more of her reaction. "Besides ," I vainly pulled from my childhood. "I thought I asked you first. Actually...I know I did." There was that small smile again, trying its best.
Wait...
Did I just imply she had asked me something too?
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If Fred thinks she isn't sure, I'd like to know where she thinks I should be on the certainty scale right now. I slept with Spike, twice. I've spent two out of my two nights of my new second life with him, and he doesn't know where this is going any more than I do.
Unless he does, and he's getting a kick out of driving me crazy. This is one of those few times when I just don't know. Spike isn't the easiest vampire to read. Even Angel used to give away some things with his rapid eyebrow movements.
"Besides, I thought I asked you first. Actually...I know I did."
"Don't think I won't be asking you later."
I need to talk to her about this, if she's up for it. Maybe the last thing Fred needs is to get in the middle of whatever it is that I have going on with Spike, but I think it could be exactly what she needs. Instead of giving her special treatment, I'm going to treat her like Fred.
That's still who she is, no matter what she's been through. I know that person.
And she still eats like Fred.
"We've been spending a lot of time together. And I'll echo your 'not really sure', I'm not either."
Since when is it really so bad to live with uncertainties? I've been doing it for years now. One more isn't going to kill me again.
"He's the only man I've ever been with who dyes his hair more often than I do."
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I tried to look away, but of course Cordy's eyes caught mine in that way she has, the one that always got the guys the melt, and then they would pretty much do whatever she wanted. Even when they didn't know what was happened. But I watched...I saw. It was a weapon she used as well as any other, and now it was directed at me. I finally managed to break away, not answering, and focusing my attention on my eggs.
A part of me totally wanted to tell Cprdy everything right then and there, but at the same time I was afraid of how the works might hurt...might physically hurt coming back up, scratching and pulling all the way.
And...when did I get this afraid. It really wasn't very fair of me, especially to them, and even more especially when I still had so much. We were all back, only this time it felt like it was without the benefit of a childhood. When we learn how to deal with all those hurts and scrapes and tears, and how to face the strength of our own emotions.
"We've been spending a lot of time together. And I'll echo your 'not really sure', I'm not either."
"Yes, well...at least there's time to be had. I guess sonner or later we should get around to being grateful, no matter what's happened so far."
And what will probally happen later.
"Do you like....I mean it it nice?"
Talking. Beacuse it's Cordy and because I can't help myself.
"He's the only man I've ever been with who dyes his hair more often than I do."
I nod, finally pushing away my plate entirely. This time it's my eyes that catch Cordy's own. "As long as you don't mind," I idley play with the fork before placing that down too.
"He makes...me makes all the hard edges softer. A little more liveable. I think I might already need him a bit more than is fair."
And there, we were both confessing things without really confessing at all, and speaking on what we both already knew.
"Your turn."
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