Stay...

[_fredless]

Twice in a single day Wesley had asked me if I had wanted him to stay, and twice I had replied with the answer I thought we both wanted to hear. After downstairs, and Charles, I had been so frightened of anything ever remotely resembling alone that the words had come tumbling out with a force I thought I had forgotten. And then, in the part after

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[xxcordeliaxx]

I took a rebar through the gut because of this man.

And okay, that might not be a normal immediate response to waking up beside someone you've been having sex with, but we have a history. A small, bad, history that I should be trying to forget about, but the point is; it exists.

If we're ever going to have a relationship, shouldn't we acknowledge some of the little things that don't matter to us anymore? I've done some things I'm not exactly proud of, but I'm still supposed to own up to it. Not that I accept any responsibility for the things done by when I was possessed by a higher power, because I don't.

I do blame myself for being weak enough to let them in. I can't dwell on it now, we have bigger problems to face. The past is only important because if I don't let myself lose sight of what I did wrong, I can make sure that I don't end up being a tool for all of the evil uglies that will inevitably resurface.

I'm thankful to be alive. To have my friends back. To be able to wake up next to someone who I never thought I could care about, and to not be too surprised by the fact that I do.

I just...need food.

Yeah, that'll stop me from thinking for a good twenty minutes.

I slid out of bed and gathered my clothes quietly. Part of me doubted that Spike was asleep. Lucky for him there was no real way to tell with his eyes closed and his heart not beating as usual. If he wanted to jump up and scare the hell out of me, he had the option.

I snuck into the bathroom to clean up, and came out a few minutes later ready, but not necessarily prepared for whatever was going to happen next. Noticing that Spike was still in the same place that I'd left him, I walked over to his side of the bed and leaned in to give him a kiss before I stopped myself.

I'm supposed to be getting up, not going back to bed.

I wandered downstairs, wondering if I'd overslept and missed something, or had somehow gotten through my routine before everyone else had. No one was around. Angel was probably still fixing his hair.

He's one person I'm neither ready nor prepared for.

The smell of food alerted my senses that someone had been an earlier riser than me, and I let myself smile when I found Fred in the kitchen.

"Morning."

I'd put a 'Good' in front of it, but at the moment it's too soon to tell.

[_fredless]

I moved easily enough through the kitchen, conciously aware of how I sought to mimic the dance I had seen mom perform countless times, slipping from one place to the other with practiced history. And even as new as everything felt, there was...history. Mine and the hotels, and the timing where it started to become the same thing again.

And of course, if I couldn't quite be me yet, no matter how much I wanted too, then maybe I could be enough to shadow the ones I loved.

Flipping the bacon in the pan I was aware of the sharp little stings and retorts of the grease, but it didn't seem enough to move. When every thing was weighed and considered, it really wasn't that much, and my mind was already back on my folks.

I was going to have to call them soon. Just like pretty soon I was going to have to make my way out into the garden and begin to make sense of all the things I had promised the day before. We still had to figure out what happened to Charles.

I was about to open the last and final package of bacon and put it in to cook when I heard the door of the kitchen swing open. Setting the plastic aside, I looked up to see Cordy framed in the doorway. Maybe it was the being apart for so long, or maybe it was the good things from yesterday with their clingy, draping warmth that gave me enough insight to look a little closer. I took one step towards Cordy, then turned back to shut off the stove.

"Morning."

"Yes," I agreed, not sure what else there could be to add to that. "It is." This might be the part where I couldn't seem to talk again. I struggled... with the silence.

I think I must of just stood there, taking all of her in before I turned around and began filling up two plates with the various results of my hour at the stove. It all seemed to go down easier if I kept moving. Nodding to the table, I carefully made my way over to join Cordy there, settling just across from her.

When I looked down I realised that everything seemed to be paired off on the plates. There were two eggs each, two patties of sausage, and lying on top of the large ladle full of grits? Two pieces of bacon...just settling in. I twisted one of the plates a little, trying to see if the angle would change things, but it didn't. My spoon idley picked up some grits, dropping a bright shot of white on one of the stretchs of bacon. It sort of glimmered next to the other piece, where they rested side by side.

Pushing the plate towards Cordy I looked up at her.

"So...Spike?"

[xxcordeliaxx]

"Yes. It is."

Boy, death really did a number on her. Not that she isn't entitled to be less cheerful than usual after what she went through, I just haven't adjusted to it yet. The new version of Fred. The one who looks like she needs comfort instead of being the one giving the comfort.

I sat down and let her quietly work on arranging our plates. In a different situation I would have offered to help, but I felt like I'd disturbed her enough by walking in. I was always under the impression that the kitchen is one room you can go in without having to knock before you enter.

Fred would never tell me I wasn't wanted, and everything about the way that she was acting seemed to cry out for a friendly ear, but from what I could tell, she didn't want to talk. Or smile.

If I wasn't so hungry I would have made an excuse.

Okay, that's not true. I wouldn't have done that because it would have made her feel rejected. I would sit here, the same way that I am right now, and I would be with her.

I'd ask her if this is about Gunn or Illyria, or both. Then I'd tell her that we're going to find a way to right the wrong. I'm not sure that there is a way, so I'm going to keep quiet this time. Fred wouldn't appreciate false hope. Especially not from me.

Maybe I'm making too much out of this. I don't exactly feel like spilling my guts right now either, and for once there's something to spill. If things go back to being the way they were, I'll tell her why I'm afraid to make small talk and have post sex extra volume hair issues. Although, I definitely do not have to do any explaining about that last part to Fred her hair isn't up to it's usual--oh.

Wesley.

"So...Spike?"

"What? No!" I answered, dropping my spoon onto my plate seconds after I'd picked it up. It was a reflex thing. Same as my answer. My mind is still having a hard time wrapping it's head around whatever it is Spike and I are doing.

...I'd like to know what I'm supposed to call him now. Spike The Boyfriend is still sounding like something that would only happen on a cold day in Hell.

I'm not going to let myself think he'd be capable of it. That would be asking for too much. Too much that I'm not sure I want.

This was so much easier when I was in love with someone I didn't accuse of using--I did not just think that. That word, the one that means a thing that I am not in, I didn't use it for anything relating to Spike.

And even if I did, I didn't get enough sleep last night. It's the physical exhaustion talking. Thinking. I didn't say it out loud. Thank god I didn't say it out loud.

Why is Fred looking at me like that?

This keeps getting worse.

"What about him?"

[_fredless]

I was surprised at how easily eating came to me once I sat down and set to actually doing so. After all, the food was there, and I was there, and Cordy was across from me just like we had done countless times before, and I guess that...well at least it was something.

And right now something felt like a lot. Only I did hate the part where that thought made me feel like crying over all over again. So I looked up from my plate and caught up Cordy's profile, and something in her face worked me into remembering the night before. Because that? That had been...something too. So just as quickly as it had come the moment passed, and I think I might have even felt a small smile form.

"What? No!"

I almost choked on my biscut, but it kept me from saying anything right at the moment, anything that might've gotten me in trouble. Instead I just watched Cordy and waited, sure than eventually she would come around. Of all the things that had been dumped on us the past few days, one of them certainly was more time, and I was willing to use it.

That was until I caught her studying my own hair, and actually felt a blush delevop across my cheeks. I guess I had the abilty to do that again too. You would think on a second go around I wouldn't be so easily flustered, but I guess things hadn't been improved, just extended a bit. At least for..

Now we just had to do with it what we could.

"What about him?"

"I'm not really sure," I offered truthfully, watching Cordy for more of her reaction. "Besides ," I vainly pulled from my childhood. "I thought I asked you first. Actually...I know I did." There was that small smile again, trying its best.

Wait...

Did I just imply she had asked me something too?

[xxcordeliaxx]

"I'm not really sure."

If Fred thinks she isn't sure, I'd like to know where she thinks I should be on the certainty scale right now. I slept with Spike, twice. I've spent two out of my two nights of my new second life with him, and he doesn't know where this is going any more than I do.

Unless he does, and he's getting a kick out of driving me crazy. This is one of those few times when I just don't know. Spike isn't the easiest vampire to read. Even Angel used to give away some things with his rapid eyebrow movements.

"Besides, I thought I asked you first. Actually...I know I did."

"Don't think I won't be asking you later."

I need to talk to her about this, if she's up for it. Maybe the last thing Fred needs is to get in the middle of whatever it is that I have going on with Spike, but I think it could be exactly what she needs. Instead of giving her special treatment, I'm going to treat her like Fred.

That's still who she is, no matter what she's been through. I know that person.

And she still eats like Fred.

"We've been spending a lot of time together. And I'll echo your 'not really sure', I'm not either."

Since when is it really so bad to live with uncertainties? I've been doing it for years now. One more isn't going to kill me again.

"He's the only man I've ever been with who dyes his hair more often than I do."

[_fredless]

"Don't think I won't be asking you later."

I tried to look away, but of course Cordy's eyes caught mine in that way she has, the one that always got the guys the melt, and then they would pretty much do whatever she wanted. Even when they didn't know what was happened. But I watched...I saw. It was a weapon she used as well as any other, and now it was directed at me. I finally managed to break away, not answering, and focusing my attention on my eggs.

A part of me totally wanted to tell Cprdy everything right then and there, but at the same time I was afraid of how the works might hurt...might physically hurt coming back up, scratching and pulling all the way.

And...when did I get this afraid. It really wasn't very fair of me, especially to them, and even more especially when I still had so much. We were all back, only this time it felt like it was without the benefit of a childhood. When we learn how to deal with all those hurts and scrapes and tears, and how to face the strength of our own emotions.

"We've been spending a lot of time together. And I'll echo your 'not really sure', I'm not either."

"Yes, well...at least there's time to be had. I guess sonner or later we should get around to being grateful, no matter what's happened so far."

And what will probally happen later.

"Do you like....I mean it it nice?"

Talking. Beacuse it's Cordy and because I can't help myself.

"He's the only man I've ever been with who dyes his hair more often than I do."

I nod, finally pushing away my plate entirely. This time it's my eyes that catch Cordy's own. "As long as you don't mind," I idley play with the fork before placing that down too.

"He makes...me makes all the hard edges softer. A little more liveable. I think I might already need him a bit more than is fair."

And there, we were both confessing things without really confessing at all, and speaking on what we both already knew.

"Your turn."