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[after_the_ashes]

So, I wanted to share this here and see if anyone had any thoughts

Comments

[hopita]

I think you should contact her, tell her that he would like to contact her, and ask her if that would be OK.

Alternately, how did you find her contact info? If it's something simple, you might want to offer your birthfather your method (i.e. "Maybe you might try googling her maiden name ...") without actually giving out the info.

FWIW, that's the same advice I'd give in any situation, not just regarding birth parents.

[7rin]

^This.

[little_e_]

Definitely do not send him her address without permission. You don't know what passed between them or what she thinks passed between them

[anonymous]

It's not your responsibility but did your parents raise someone that disrespectful and mean

[after_the_ashes]

She didn't ask for a picture of me. She just said at the end, if for some reason you need a picture of me, I'll look. And then went on a bit, and then said she waited in anticipation and hope that I would write back. Which was the opposite of everything else she said

[anonymous]

I had a look at your journal because I didn't even know if you are a man or a woman or how old you are. I wanted to know if I could have given you a better answer

[after_the_ashes]

OK, I think I kinda get where you're coming from now. First off, I definitely didn't think about it coming off like I was thanking her for not having to grow up with her. That's definitely not how I meant it. More as a thanks to her courage, because I do understand how it is

[blueserenity22]

I think you should definitely get her permission before giving him such information. If you were able to find it, then so is he (and I don't agree with giving him advice on how to find said information).

I think you need to take the relationship with both birthparents at your own pace and do with it what feels comfortable. If writing her back a long letter doesn't feel comfortable, maybe just a short one saying thank you.

[after_the_ashes]

I think it was more that it seemed like she couldn't handle it, which made me not want to try to make another step.

[7rin]

I actually think she handled it rather well tbh, given the loop it must've thrown her for at such an already turbulent time in her life.

You're making excuses. I can see you doing it because you're making exactly the same ones I've tried making to myself BEFORE I initiated contact. There's a reason I trawl every scenario under the sun before doing stuff. :)

Stop making excuses, and just send her a "While I suspect you'd probably enjoy more contact, right at this moment I don't feel capable of maintaining such contact - but I'll be in touch if this ever changes" letter. At least do her the courtesy of letting her know you're stopping before you stop.

[after_the_ashes]

But she doesn't want contact? I mean, the whole letter said go away until the last minute. And I don't think she handled it well. If my life was crap and I couldn't write a coherent letter, I would've waited til my thoughts and feelings were sorted.