I had a look at your journal because I didn't even know if you are a man or a woman or how old you are. I wanted to know if I could have given you a better answer :)
Sorry if it came across rude what I said, it wasn't meant that way.
Can you imagine having your babies and then never seeing them again? Do you think you'd move on from that? If your father has moved on from that it's because it wasn't so traumatic for him. You wrote a letter to her out of the blue and she's in the middle of a divorce, of course it's going to throw her sideways. A normal person would have an emotional reaction to something like that.
Women who have great families and easy lives don't give their children away, of course she had a hard life. That doesn't make her a bad person and it doesn't make her dangerous.
You seem very settled and happy with your parents, I think she wrote that about they are your family now to show you that she doesn't want to stalk you or freak you out.
Writing a letter isn't getting caught up in anything. It's giving you closure. This is your mother, the granmother of your children. You can write a letter letting her know you don't want to have a relationship but send her some photos ect (see my last commnet).
Don't thank her for giving you away, because that's like saying thank you that I didn't grow up with you. That's the worst thing you can say to a birth mother.
Do what you want, I can't force you. I think the decent and elegant thing to do would be to send one beautiful letter with news, photos of yourself and your children. And tell her you are having a wonderful life.
Or don't. Let her wait in anticipation for the rest of her life. Whatever. It's up to you.
OK, I think I kinda get where you're coming from now. First off, I definitely didn't think about it coming off like I was thanking her for not having to grow up with her. That's definitely not how I meant it. More as a thanks to her courage, because I do understand how it is.
Which brings me to my second point, I can completely imagine what it would be like to never see my children again. I've been in similar tough situations. I'm not saying she's weak, but it was obvious that she had never moved on from any of it, and therefore I don't believe it would end if I wrote back. It is getting caught up in a lot. There's another unknown, more emotions, more waiting.
I had thought of the fact that she'd react to me contacting her in an emotional way, it was emotional for me. But a normal person wouldn't have written something back like that. I also don't think she's dangerous or a bad person, just not necessarily a person I want to go down any paths with. And I don't see why you think I should send pictures if she didn't ask for one and doesn't even remember me being born. I think if she wasn't ready for that, she'd react VERY emotionally, worse than just the letter. I wanted to just have it be, send a picture, I'll send one back, cool. But she made it this crazy emotional roller coaster in just one page of letter. What would be next?
And then, to end with, I agree with you. It is closure. It's obviously weighing on my mind because either way, it's affecting me. And if I don't write back, it won't go away. If I do, maybe I'll feel better eventually.
Oh, one more thing. I definitely am not just settled and happy with my adopted parents. But that has nothing to do with my birth parents. And on that, my birth dad moving on and her not, isn't just because it wasn't traumatic for him in any other way than her, people just deal with things differently. So I don't see how that matters.
I still don't think I'm making her wait for something the rest of her life. It was an open adoption, but she said in the letter that she wanted it closed. Why would she even want to hear from me then?
What do you mean by open? Did she have the option to visit you while you were growing up and declined it? Or was it the chance to have photos?
Do you feel like she had the chance to know you and didn't take that chance because she said she wanted a closed adoption? And then in the letter she said that they are your family now so that might make you feel like she doesn't really want to be close to you?
Was the letter very very weird? Like saying one thing and then another?
Do you really think if you never saw your children again you'd be able to move on? There is no way I could. I mean I can think I can imagine what it would be like to be in a wheel chair. I like to think that I would be one of the ones who builds my upper body strength and just makes the best of it but really I don't know.
It's not the same for men, they don't carry the baby in their bodies, they don't give birth. They can walk away, the mothers can't. It's much more traumatic for the mothers.
You seem to lack empathy, true empathy, not saying that you are faulty or bad, please don't think that. I mean you probably have other skills that are finely tuned. Perhaps your mother lacks empathy too? Like how she went on about them being your family now and not wanting an open adoption.
Or you just don't have the life experience to know how it feels, and thank God you don't know how it feels to be separated from your child or children. Be very glad of that and hug them extra close.
Funny how one's journal can look so different to how one truly feels. Your life looks so idyllic and cosy with your parents and your new house and your beautiful children. And you playing music and stuff. I only looked quickly, so I didn't look that closely. But yes it seems that way. You seem to have a beautiful life.
Look it's up to you, if it was me I'd feel bad if I didn't write the letter. You don't have to have more letters, you can write one, pretend she's a normal person, know you are writing to your mother. Say you don't want to take this further because(your reasons) or not have reasons. She is not going to write back.
You not writing a letter is no guarantee that this is the end of it either. Does that make sense?
It's up to you.
I would want to make something elegant of it and that would give me closure. But I'm not you and thankfully I'm not her. Follow your heart, I trust you know what is best in this situation.
I mean that the records were kept open so that eventually I'd have the information to contact my birth parents. I don't think visits or pictures were common at all then. Apparently 15 years or so after I was born she tried to get them closed. So, I feel like she might've said that to discourage me from writing again. It was very, very weird. Definitely said one thing and than another, contradictory, but still very much like she was trying to keep a wall up without seeming rude.
I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
I agree it's different since we carry the child. But I don't know if it's more or less traumatic. I mean, he didn't get to choose what happened to me. He was supportive of her throughout, but it wasn't his decision. I think it took him a long time to get over that and their relationship.
I have a ton of empathy. The thing is, I have too much and am second guessing myself because I'm so scared of what could happen. I've heard a lot of horror stories involving emotionally needy birth parents, and I don't want to get wrapped up in it. I do have a great life, and it's taken a lot of hard work and strength to get where I am with my own life and with my adopted family. My adopted mom is also making me second guess myself in this situation, as she does tell me a lot of the horror stories and just wants me to be cautious.
And I have empathy, or I wouldn't be here worrying over it trying to figure out what I actually want to do. I wouldn't feel guilty or feel like maybe it is my duty as a human to write back and try to make her feel better. My birth mom did seem to lack empathy, which I can understand since she definitely seems inside herself.
Why do you think she wouldn't write back? I don't know if I could just say don't write back, either. It doesn't seem right to tell someone what to do... Like, she might feel the need to write back...
And yeah, true. It doesn't make it end. It's obviously not, since it's weighing on me.
And I did really want to write back right away, something elegant and wonderful 'cause I just felt like I knew her when I read it and that I knew she needed it. But I'm scared and I don't want to. I didn't expect this.
Maybe you'd be fine never seeing your children again but you are not going to have to make that choice. I don't think you would be, if you were the kind of person that could give her children away and move on from that you wouldn't be writing this post. I could be wrong but I think I'm right but that doesn't mean I'm not wrong...
Don't write then if you are too scared, it's up to you.
It doesn't help that your adoptive mother is feeding your fears.
Your letter isn't about making her feel better, it's about you feeling closure. You can be strong enough to say you don't want contact that's actually being respectful to her by being honest.
You are scared right now and that's to be expected.
You don't have to decide write away.
Ask the cards see what comes if you were to write a letter, ask to see what comes if you don't?
Adoptive mothers are not the best people to get advice from in these situations!
Well do what is best for you, it's ok.
This is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow, whatever you decide will be the best choice for you right now.
I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
If you're not strong enough to write a letter back to a person and tell them that you don't want to have contact what makes you think you'd be strong enough to never see your children again? Girl you are so not in reality.
You've never been in a similar situation before, you have no idea what you are talking about.
You're too scared to write a letter and yet you think you are stronger than her and that she should have moved on by now.
You really don't know. Clueless, just clueless. Patronising and insulting. Just clueless.
*applauding everything Anon says all the way through!*
I'm an adoptee, and I'm the one who did the getting in contact - so I know how scary it can be (and I knew bugger all about my bfam. other than my mom had abandoned me, and I had a sister). I found them on FB six months ago, and chose to initiate contact.
But I absolutely couldn't've initiated contact if I wasn't at least prepared to carry through on that contact until a respectful or legal conclusion to it could be mutually reached. That doesn't mean saying "hi, thanks for having me, gimme X and I'll never see you again" 'cause that is cruelty beyond humanity.
At the very least, send her a copy'n'paste of what you've posted to us.
Also... "My birth mom did seem to lack empathy"
Given what you've wrote, you may feel guilt, but you have next to zero empathy.
I have a daughter. She's 19 now. You don't "get over" losing your kids unless you did not and do not want parenthood.
Seriously, you initiated it - at least send her a copy of all this so that she can see where you're at. Save the page, delete out the user names ('cause I don't think you'd want you mom to have your LJ if you don't want any more contact ;)), and post it to her.
Speaking as a mom, please, at least do this much for her.
I have been in a similar situation. I looked into having an abortion and putting my first child up for adoption. I was about to put her up for adoption.
I am strong enough to write her back, I just don't *really* want to after reading her response. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous about what would happen next.
not the same thing
anonymous
April 4 2010, 07:39:17 UTC
Looking into having an abortion and considering adoption is not similar to never seeing your children again. You are not a strong person. You are nervous and scared.
You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't even realize how insulting and patronising you are by saying that you could do this and get over it.
Re: not the same thingafter_the_ashesApril 4 2010, 21:13:43 UTC
I agree, not the same. But I've been through a lot of the thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry if you feel that me saying that I've been through it was insulting to you or those who've actually gone through with it. I don't mean to do that in any way, shape or form.
I am a strong person who gets nervous and scared. Yes. Eventually, I get through it, after long processing. As crazy as all this has been, it really has put things into perspective and made me get over a lot of the questions that were circling in my mind.
I also want to make clear to everyone, that if I wrote her back I would never say I wouldn't want contact. If I write back, I will keep it open ended, and make it clear that the periods between might be long, because it takes me a lot of time to process things.
"Women who have great families and easy lives don't give their children away, of course she had a hard life."
Hold on a DAMNED minute! I rarely have such a knee-jerk reaction, but this one has set me OFF!
First, Whoever the heck you are (because you have to evidently hide behind anonimity) you have NO IDEA what a birth mother feels. And if you are a birth mother, you are the one with some serious issues.
after_the_ashes I am a birth mother. And I will sing it from the roof tops. I am also a psych student (yeah...I think it'll take me forever to get that PHD at this point! *lol*), so have a very keen awareness of the issues uniquely facing a birth mother. And this anonymous person is full of CRAP. How dare they. I am seriously steaming.
I didn't have a hard life, I had a great life. I was brought up in a secure, loving and safe environment. My family was 100% behind myself and my son's birth father (who, btw, I am married to, and we just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary).
And my life after we gave our son up? It's been great! We've had our bumps and learning curves; after all, we were 18 and 19 when we got married. What couple that young wouldn't have problems and have to figure some things out? But to say that because I gave MY CHILD up for adoption, that I didn't have a great family, and automatically had a hard life...HOW DARE YOU.
ata, you don't have to write anything, honestly, I would wait at least a year or so before I maybe sent her a generic Christmas update. Because obviously she's having a hard time with this. Whether it's due to trauma at dealing with the adoption, or her current divorce, or a combination of the above, time is generally a good thing.
And if you don't feel comfortable after that time has passed, then that is ok, too. But if she reaches out to you later, just take it at face value..because she might just not be in a good emotional or mental space to do this right now.
I would suggest perhaps, later reaching out to her son. after all, you are this guy's half sibling. He might not be interested, or you might not be, eithe ris fine. But for me, because I have a sister, knowing that person would be a huge pull for me. But that is just me personally.
Take into consideration, depending on how old you are, adoption would have been shameful, she would have blocked as much as possible, or she likely had no choice in the matter. So take that into consideration when you look at the unstable ramblings of her return letter.
And BTW, Anonymous....my son looking at me when he's older, and telling me, "Thanks for doing what you did for me." or even, "Thanks for giving me up." I would GLOW. It would tell me that my kid was raised pretty damned well, and that he had a good life. I would be ECSTATIC that he knew enough to even been thankful for what we actually gave him.
Don't let your own sick twisted issues be projected onto another individual just because YOU have problems with some of this stuff.
Sorry if it came across rude what I said, it wasn't meant that way.
Can you imagine having your babies and then never seeing them again? Do you think you'd move on from that? If your father has moved on from that it's because it wasn't so traumatic for him. You wrote a letter to her out of the blue and she's in the middle of a divorce, of course it's going to throw her sideways. A normal person would have an emotional reaction to something like that.
Women who have great families and easy lives don't give their children away, of course she had a hard life. That doesn't make her a bad person and it doesn't make her dangerous.
You seem very settled and happy with your parents, I think she wrote that about they are your family now to show you that she doesn't want to stalk you or freak you out.
Writing a letter isn't getting caught up in anything. It's giving you closure. This is your mother, the granmother of your children. You can write a letter letting her know you don't want to have a relationship but send her some photos ect (see my last commnet).
Don't thank her for giving you away, because that's like saying thank you that I didn't grow up with you. That's the worst thing you can say to a birth mother.
Do what you want, I can't force you. I think the decent and elegant thing to do would be to send one beautiful letter with news, photos of yourself and your children. And tell her you are having a wonderful life.
Or don't. Let her wait in anticipation for the rest of her life. Whatever. It's up to you.
Reply
Which brings me to my second point, I can completely imagine what it would be like to never see my children again. I've been in similar tough situations. I'm not saying she's weak, but it was obvious that she had never moved on from any of it, and therefore I don't believe it would end if I wrote back. It is getting caught up in a lot. There's another unknown, more emotions, more waiting.
I had thought of the fact that she'd react to me contacting her in an emotional way, it was emotional for me. But a normal person wouldn't have written something back like that. I also don't think she's dangerous or a bad person, just not necessarily a person I want to go down any paths with. And I don't see why you think I should send pictures if she didn't ask for one and doesn't even remember me being born. I think if she wasn't ready for that, she'd react VERY emotionally, worse than just the letter. I wanted to just have it be, send a picture, I'll send one back, cool. But she made it this crazy emotional roller coaster in just one page of letter. What would be next?
And then, to end with, I agree with you. It is closure. It's obviously weighing on my mind because either way, it's affecting me. And if I don't write back, it won't go away. If I do, maybe I'll feel better eventually.
Oh, one more thing. I definitely am not just settled and happy with my adopted parents. But that has nothing to do with my birth parents. And on that, my birth dad moving on and her not, isn't just because it wasn't traumatic for him in any other way than her, people just deal with things differently. So I don't see how that matters.
I still don't think I'm making her wait for something the rest of her life. It was an open adoption, but she said in the letter that she wanted it closed. Why would she even want to hear from me then?
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What do you mean by open? Did she have the option to visit you while you were growing up and declined it? Or was it the chance to have photos?
Do you feel like she had the chance to know you and didn't take that chance because she said she wanted a closed adoption? And then in the letter she said that they are your family now so that might make you feel like she doesn't really want to be close to you?
Was the letter very very weird? Like saying one thing and then another?
Do you really think if you never saw your children again you'd be able to move on? There is no way I could. I mean I can think I can imagine what it would be like to be in a wheel chair. I like to think that I would be one of the ones who builds my upper body strength and just makes the best of it but really I don't know.
It's not the same for men, they don't carry the baby in their bodies, they don't give birth. They can walk away, the mothers can't. It's much more traumatic for the mothers.
You seem to lack empathy, true empathy, not saying that you are faulty or bad, please don't think that. I mean you probably have other skills that are finely tuned. Perhaps your mother lacks empathy too? Like how she went on about them being your family now and not wanting an open adoption.
Or you just don't have the life experience to know how it feels, and thank God you don't know how it feels to be separated from your child or children. Be very glad of that and hug them extra close.
Funny how one's journal can look so different to how one truly feels. Your life looks so idyllic and cosy with your parents and your new house and your beautiful children. And you playing music and stuff. I only looked quickly, so I didn't look that closely. But yes it seems that way. You seem to have a beautiful life.
Look it's up to you, if it was me I'd feel bad if I didn't write the letter. You don't have to have more letters, you can write one, pretend she's a normal person, know you are writing to your mother. Say you don't want to take this further because(your reasons) or not have reasons. She is not going to write back.
You not writing a letter is no guarantee that this is the end of it either.
Does that make sense?
It's up to you.
I would want to make something elegant of it and that would give me closure. But I'm not you and thankfully I'm not her. Follow your heart, I trust you know what is best in this situation.
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I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
I agree it's different since we carry the child. But I don't know if it's more or less traumatic. I mean, he didn't get to choose what happened to me. He was supportive of her throughout, but it wasn't his decision. I think it took him a long time to get over that and their relationship.
I have a ton of empathy. The thing is, I have too much and am second guessing myself because I'm so scared of what could happen. I've heard a lot of horror stories involving emotionally needy birth parents, and I don't want to get wrapped up in it. I do have a great life, and it's taken a lot of hard work and strength to get where I am with my own life and with my adopted family. My adopted mom is also making me second guess myself in this situation, as she does tell me a lot of the horror stories and just wants me to be cautious.
And I have empathy, or I wouldn't be here worrying over it trying to figure out what I actually want to do. I wouldn't feel guilty or feel like maybe it is my duty as a human to write back and try to make her feel better. My birth mom did seem to lack empathy, which I can understand since she definitely seems inside herself.
Why do you think she wouldn't write back? I don't know if I could just say don't write back, either. It doesn't seem right to tell someone what to do... Like, she might feel the need to write back...
And yeah, true. It doesn't make it end. It's obviously not, since it's weighing on me.
And I did really want to write back right away, something elegant and wonderful 'cause I just felt like I knew her when I read it and that I knew she needed it. But I'm scared and I don't want to. I didn't expect this.
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Don't write then if you are too scared, it's up to you.
It doesn't help that your adoptive mother is feeding your fears.
Your letter isn't about making her feel better, it's about you feeling closure. You can be strong enough to say you don't want contact that's actually being respectful to her by being honest.
You are scared right now and that's to be expected.
You don't have to decide write away.
Ask the cards see what comes if you were to write a letter, ask to see what comes if you don't?
Adoptive mothers are not the best people to get advice from in these situations!
Well do what is best for you, it's ok.
This is a wonderful opportunity for you to grow, whatever you decide will be the best choice for you right now.
Reply
I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
If you're not strong enough to write a letter back to a person and tell them that you don't want to have contact what makes you think you'd be strong enough to never see your children again? Girl you are so not in reality.
You've never been in a similar situation before, you have no idea what you are talking about.
You're too scared to write a letter and yet you think you are stronger than her and that she should have moved on by now.
You really don't know. Clueless, just clueless. Patronising and insulting. Just clueless.
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I'm an adoptee, and I'm the one who did the getting in contact - so I know how scary it can be (and I knew bugger all about my bfam. other than my mom had abandoned me, and I had a sister). I found them on FB six months ago, and chose to initiate contact.
But I absolutely couldn't've initiated contact if I wasn't at least prepared to carry through on that contact until a respectful or legal conclusion to it could be mutually reached. That doesn't mean saying "hi, thanks for having me, gimme X and I'll never see you again" 'cause that is cruelty beyond humanity.
At the very least, send her a copy'n'paste of what you've posted to us.
Also... "My birth mom did seem to lack empathy"
Given what you've wrote, you may feel guilt, but you have next to zero empathy.
I have a daughter. She's 19 now. You don't "get over" losing your kids unless you did not and do not want parenthood.
Seriously, you initiated it - at least send her a copy of all this so that she can see where you're at. Save the page, delete out the user names ('cause I don't think you'd want you mom to have your LJ if you don't want any more contact ;)), and post it to her.
Speaking as a mom, please, at least do this much for her.
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I am strong enough to write her back, I just don't *really* want to after reading her response. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous about what would happen next.
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You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't even realize how insulting and patronising you are by saying that you could do this and get over it.
Girl you have no idea. No idea at all.
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I am a strong person who gets nervous and scared. Yes. Eventually, I get through it, after long processing. As crazy as all this has been, it really has put things into perspective and made me get over a lot of the questions that were circling in my mind.
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Hold on a DAMNED minute! I rarely have such a knee-jerk reaction, but this one has set me OFF!
First, Whoever the heck you are (because you have to evidently hide behind anonimity) you have NO IDEA what a birth mother feels.
And if you are a birth mother, you are the one with some serious issues.
after_the_ashes I am a birth mother. And I will sing it from the roof tops. I am also a psych student (yeah...I think it'll take me forever to get that PHD at this point! *lol*), so have a very keen awareness of the issues uniquely facing a birth mother. And this anonymous person is full of CRAP. How dare they. I am seriously steaming.
I didn't have a hard life, I had a great life. I was brought up in a secure, loving and safe environment. My family was 100% behind myself and my son's birth father (who, btw, I am married to, and we just celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary).
And my life after we gave our son up? It's been great! We've had our bumps and learning curves; after all, we were 18 and 19 when we got married. What couple that young wouldn't have problems and have to figure some things out? But to say that because I gave MY CHILD up for adoption, that I didn't have a great family, and automatically had a hard life...HOW DARE YOU.
ata, you don't have to write anything, honestly, I would wait at least a year or so before I maybe sent her a generic Christmas update. Because obviously she's having a hard time with this. Whether it's due to trauma at dealing with the adoption, or her current divorce, or a combination of the above, time is generally a good thing.
And if you don't feel comfortable after that time has passed, then that is ok, too. But if she reaches out to you later, just take it at face value..because she might just not be in a good emotional or mental space to do this right now.
I would suggest perhaps, later reaching out to her son. after all, you are this guy's half sibling. He might not be interested, or you might not be, eithe ris fine. But for me, because I have a sister, knowing that person would be a huge pull for me. But that is just me personally.
Take into consideration, depending on how old you are, adoption would have been shameful, she would have blocked as much as possible, or she likely had no choice in the matter. So take that into consideration when you look at the unstable ramblings of her return letter.
And BTW, Anonymous....my son looking at me when he's older, and telling me, "Thanks for doing what you did for me." or even, "Thanks for giving me up." I would GLOW. It would tell me that my kid was raised pretty damned well, and that he had a good life. I would be ECSTATIC that he knew enough to even been thankful for what we actually gave him.
Don't let your own sick twisted issues be projected onto another individual just because YOU have problems with some of this stuff.
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