She didn't ask for a picture of me. She just said at the end, if for some reason you need a picture of me, I'll look. And then went on a bit, and then said she waited in anticipation and hope that I would write back. Which was the opposite of everything else she said
( ... )
I had a look at your journal because I didn't even know if you are a man or a woman or how old you are. I wanted to know if I could have given you a better answer
( ... )
OK, I think I kinda get where you're coming from now. First off, I definitely didn't think about it coming off like I was thanking her for not having to grow up with her. That's definitely not how I meant it. More as a thanks to her courage, because I do understand how it is
( ... )
I mean that the records were kept open so that eventually I'd have the information to contact my birth parents. I don't think visits or pictures were common at all then. Apparently 15 years or so after I was born she tried to get them closed. So, I feel like she might've said that to discourage me from writing again. It was very, very weird. Definitely said one thing and than another, contradictory, but still very much like she was trying to keep a wall up without seeming rude
( ... )
Maybe you'd be fine never seeing your children again but you are not going to have to make that choice. I don't think you would be, if you were the kind of person that could give her children away and move on from that you wouldn't be writing this post. I could be wrong but I think I'm right but that doesn't mean I'm not wrong
( ... )
I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
If you're not strong enough to write a letter back to a person and tell them that you don't want to have contact what makes you think you'd be strong enough to never see your children again? Girl you are so not in reality.
You've never been in a similar situation before, you have no idea what you are talking about.
You're too scared to write a letter and yet you think you are stronger than her and that she should have moved on by now.
You really don't know. Clueless, just clueless. Patronising and insulting. Just clueless.
*applauding everything Anon says all the way through!*
I'm an adoptee, and I'm the one who did the getting in contact - so I know how scary it can be (and I knew bugger all about my bfam. other than my mom had abandoned me, and I had a sister). I found them on FB six months ago, and chose to initiate contact.
But I absolutely couldn't've initiated contact if I wasn't at least prepared to carry through on that contact until a respectful or legal conclusion to it could be mutually reached. That doesn't mean saying "hi, thanks for having me, gimme X and I'll never see you again" 'cause that is cruelty beyond humanity.
At the very least, send her a copy'n'paste of what you've posted to us.
Also... "My birth mom did seem to lack empathyGiven what you've wrote, you may feel guilt, but you have next to zero empathy
( ... )
I have been in a similar situation. I looked into having an abortion and putting my first child up for adoption. I was about to put her up for adoption.
I am strong enough to write her back, I just don't *really* want to after reading her response. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous about what would happen next.
not the same thing
anonymous
April 4 2010, 07:39:17 UTC
Looking into having an abortion and considering adoption is not similar to never seeing your children again. You are not a strong person. You are nervous and scared.
You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't even realize how insulting and patronising you are by saying that you could do this and get over it.
Re: not the same thingafter_the_ashesApril 4 2010, 21:13:43 UTC
I agree, not the same. But I've been through a lot of the thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry if you feel that me saying that I've been through it was insulting to you or those who've actually gone through with it. I don't mean to do that in any way, shape or form.
I am a strong person who gets nervous and scared. Yes. Eventually, I get through it, after long processing. As crazy as all this has been, it really has put things into perspective and made me get over a lot of the questions that were circling in my mind.
I also want to make clear to everyone, that if I wrote her back I would never say I wouldn't want contact. If I write back, I will keep it open ended, and make it clear that the periods between might be long, because it takes me a lot of time to process things.
"Women who have great families and easy lives don't give their children away, of course she had a hard life."
Hold on a DAMNED minute! I rarely have such a knee-jerk reaction, but this one has set me OFF!
First, Whoever the heck you are (because you have to evidently hide behind anonimity) you have NO IDEA what a birth mother feels. And if you are a birth mother, you are the one with some serious issues.
after_the_ashes I am a birth mother. And I will sing it from the roof tops. I am also a psych student (yeah...I think it'll take me forever to get that PHD at this point! *lol*), so have a very keen awareness of the issues uniquely facing a birth mother. And this anonymous person is full of CRAP. How dare they. I am seriously steaming
( ... )
I found this community because I have my own letter writing to the birth mother dilemma at the moment. I think its really important that you only do what you feel comfortable with. Its not a normal social situation so its not a question of being impolite. She knows your well and happy and not angry, just gratful. I would think that is already an awful lot. Trust yourself and do what you feel ready for (that the advice I am trying to follow too) and it does sound like shes confused, perhaps she's not really in a position to know what she might want from contact with you yet. Maybe she isnt ready either.
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I would have to move on. Would it be hard? Yes. But if that's the decision I made, I'd have to move on. I'm too strong to make a decision, no matter how hard, and not deal with it. Would I want to? No. Would it be heartbreaking, yes. But I'd have to.
If you're not strong enough to write a letter back to a person and tell them that you don't want to have contact what makes you think you'd be strong enough to never see your children again? Girl you are so not in reality.
You've never been in a similar situation before, you have no idea what you are talking about.
You're too scared to write a letter and yet you think you are stronger than her and that she should have moved on by now.
You really don't know. Clueless, just clueless. Patronising and insulting. Just clueless.
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I'm an adoptee, and I'm the one who did the getting in contact - so I know how scary it can be (and I knew bugger all about my bfam. other than my mom had abandoned me, and I had a sister). I found them on FB six months ago, and chose to initiate contact.
But I absolutely couldn't've initiated contact if I wasn't at least prepared to carry through on that contact until a respectful or legal conclusion to it could be mutually reached. That doesn't mean saying "hi, thanks for having me, gimme X and I'll never see you again" 'cause that is cruelty beyond humanity.
At the very least, send her a copy'n'paste of what you've posted to us.
Also... "My birth mom did seem to lack empathyGiven what you've wrote, you may feel guilt, but you have next to zero empathy ( ... )
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I am strong enough to write her back, I just don't *really* want to after reading her response. It makes me uncomfortable and nervous about what would happen next.
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You have no idea what you are talking about. You don't even realize how insulting and patronising you are by saying that you could do this and get over it.
Girl you have no idea. No idea at all.
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I am a strong person who gets nervous and scared. Yes. Eventually, I get through it, after long processing. As crazy as all this has been, it really has put things into perspective and made me get over a lot of the questions that were circling in my mind.
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Hold on a DAMNED minute! I rarely have such a knee-jerk reaction, but this one has set me OFF!
First, Whoever the heck you are (because you have to evidently hide behind anonimity) you have NO IDEA what a birth mother feels.
And if you are a birth mother, you are the one with some serious issues.
after_the_ashes I am a birth mother. And I will sing it from the roof tops. I am also a psych student (yeah...I think it'll take me forever to get that PHD at this point! *lol*), so have a very keen awareness of the issues uniquely facing a birth mother. And this anonymous person is full of CRAP. How dare they. I am seriously steaming ( ... )
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