380 - The Final Result: 1 Year After 40 Years Later
Well, I did it; I "finished" this one-year experiment as to whether I could change my life from one of depression and sadness and lack of confidence and anger and illness to one where I feel happy to live, confident, self-assured and able to face whatever the world brings.
The result? A mighty and jubilant SUCCESS, but with one caveat.
Side note: I noticed that as the year went, I wrote less and less; my entries became fewer and fewer. However, I consider that a sign of success, not a failing. I used this journal to talk about the things that hurt, to work through them by talking to myself and analyzing things the way I would for a cherished friend (in this case, myself). It only makes sense that as I walked myself through I would feel better and better. The better I felt, the less I needed to walk myself through; the less I needed to write it down to have it make sense or to get that pat on the back. Indeed, I have learned to pat myself on the back often.
Does this mean that things don't bother me anymore; that the problems that were there for over 40 years are gone? Oh, absolutely not. That would be absurd and believing such a thing would really mean I'm only fooling myself. No, that's not it. But what has changed is the way I let those things influence my days, my actions, my self-beliefs, my LIFE.
Over the past year, no matter what happened, no matter how I felt at any given moment on any given day, I kept going on with everything I had to do. Instead of giving in to all those events and subsequent emotions, I talked myself through. EVERY TIME. I was my personal project. No matter what happened, I found a positive spin ... OR I worked my way through my feelings and got them out on this digital paper.
At any rate, I feel great. One thing I learned over the past year is how rich I am. I have so much. A husband who truly loves and respects me and makes every decision in life based on the welfare of our family; two adult sons who shock me with their respect and the way they listen and actually revere the things we teach them; a self-employment career that I love, that I am totally suited for, and really good at and which actually helps a LOT of people every week; a nice home; great co-workers and friends; and ...
a relationship with my mother that WORKS. Is it ideal? Nope. We don't spend much time together and that's good for both of us. But we do talk sometimes. We do see each other sometimes. She does know I'm here for her and when she needs me she calls me. But what also has changed over the last year is that I stick up for myself with her. I make sure she knows who I am and who I am not, what I will tolerate and what I will not. We have settled into a WORKING relationship. We are unlikely to ever be that mother/daughter that I've always envied when I see it in others but we treat each other with respect and, since it's needed, distance but not without caring and ... love ... I guess. I don't actually feel the need to label it.
Yes, I'm rich. I've noticed over the past year that the word cloud keeps on showing GRATITUDE as my most-used tag. That's awesome. I didn't know I felt grateful until I saw it in the cloud.
I'm rich. I'm happy. I'm flawed - very, very flawed. But you know what? I'm no more flawed than any other human being. Perfection is not within our reach (and honestly, I've never liked anyone who considered him/herself to be perfect). I understand that I don't need to be perfect. It's okay to be flawed. It's okay to have deep feelings, even painful ones; it means I CARE about life, about people, about relationships. There's nothing wrong with caring.
So now I give in to my caring but I do not let it negatively affect my life. EVER. Because one thing I care for very deeply is ME.
Oh, the one caveat! Unfortunately, although I feel much better about myself, I feel very sad about the world. So much killing now! I know the world has always been violent but in all my decades on this earth, I've never seen so much as there is now. Sad for the world; so sad. But even that has an upside to those of us who believe in God and the Bible: nothing is occurring but what has been prophesied since long ago. Maybe it will all be over soon.
Bye bye, 40YearsLater! Thank you for an educational and enlightening journey and self-rescue mission!
The result? A mighty and jubilant SUCCESS, but with one caveat.
Side note: I noticed that as the year went, I wrote less and less; my entries became fewer and fewer. However, I consider that a sign of success, not a failing. I used this journal to talk about the things that hurt, to work through them by talking to myself and analyzing things the way I would for a cherished friend (in this case, myself). It only makes sense that as I walked myself through I would feel better and better. The better I felt, the less I needed to walk myself through; the less I needed to write it down to have it make sense or to get that pat on the back. Indeed, I have learned to pat myself on the back often.
Does this mean that things don't bother me anymore; that the problems that were there for over 40 years are gone? Oh, absolutely not. That would be absurd and believing such a thing would really mean I'm only fooling myself. No, that's not it. But what has changed is the way I let those things influence my days, my actions, my self-beliefs, my LIFE.
Over the past year, no matter what happened, no matter how I felt at any given moment on any given day, I kept going on with everything I had to do. Instead of giving in to all those events and subsequent emotions, I talked myself through. EVERY TIME. I was my personal project. No matter what happened, I found a positive spin ... OR I worked my way through my feelings and got them out on this digital paper.
At any rate, I feel great. One thing I learned over the past year is how rich I am. I have so much. A husband who truly loves and respects me and makes every decision in life based on the welfare of our family; two adult sons who shock me with their respect and the way they listen and actually revere the things we teach them; a self-employment career that I love, that I am totally suited for, and really good at and which actually helps a LOT of people every week; a nice home; great co-workers and friends; and ...
a relationship with my mother that WORKS. Is it ideal? Nope. We don't spend much time together and that's good for both of us. But we do talk sometimes. We do see each other sometimes. She does know I'm here for her and when she needs me she calls me. But what also has changed over the last year is that I stick up for myself with her. I make sure she knows who I am and who I am not, what I will tolerate and what I will not. We have settled into a WORKING relationship. We are unlikely to ever be that mother/daughter that I've always envied when I see it in others but we treat each other with respect and, since it's needed, distance but not without caring and ... love ... I guess. I don't actually feel the need to label it.
Yes, I'm rich. I've noticed over the past year that the word cloud keeps on showing GRATITUDE as my most-used tag. That's awesome. I didn't know I felt grateful until I saw it in the cloud.
I'm rich. I'm happy. I'm flawed - very, very flawed. But you know what? I'm no more flawed than any other human being. Perfection is not within our reach (and honestly, I've never liked anyone who considered him/herself to be perfect). I understand that I don't need to be perfect. It's okay to be flawed. It's okay to have deep feelings, even painful ones; it means I CARE about life, about people, about relationships. There's nothing wrong with caring.
So now I give in to my caring but I do not let it negatively affect my life. EVER. Because one thing I care for very deeply is ME.
Oh, the one caveat! Unfortunately, although I feel much better about myself, I feel very sad about the world. So much killing now! I know the world has always been violent but in all my decades on this earth, I've never seen so much as there is now. Sad for the world; so sad. But even that has an upside to those of us who believe in God and the Bible: nothing is occurring but what has been prophesied since long ago. Maybe it will all be over soon.
Bye bye, 40YearsLater! Thank you for an educational and enlightening journey and self-rescue mission!