Once upon a time there were pigeons....
The Fifty-year-old Virgin Princess
Part 4/?
by Elizabeth
Rated M mostly for some bad language. No squishes yet.
Pairing: Mirandy
Summary: Crack O’ Fairytale.
A/N: Dedicated to scaryrobot.
Part 1: community.livejournal.com/ysosrsmiranda/8091.html#cutid1
Part 2: community.livejournal.com/ysosrsmiranda/10893.html#cutid1
Part 3: community.livejournal.com/ysosrsmiranda/12889.html#cutid1
When we last left our two Princesses (both virgins), Princess Miranda had met Sachs Castle advisor, Sir Nigel, and had been shown the Sachs treasure room. Her servant Serena had shown up to let the group know that Sir Christian and Lady "Trollop" Jacqueline were bumping uglies in the stables. Princess Andy had left the entourage to visit with her mother.
Princess Andy knew that her mother wasn’t quite right, but she loved her, all the same. When Andy had been ten, she had asked for pet doves on her birthday, her mother had presented her with three pet pigeons. It was pretty typical, at this point for the Queen to mix things up. She had been grateful for the birds, even though they weren’t doves.
Andy would spend hours outside next to the bird cage, talking sweetly to the pigeons. Andy named her pigeons, Nate, Lily, and Doug. It was lonely being a Princess, and most of the residents of the Sachs Castle that weren’t related to the family avoided all the members thinking them crazy.
Over the years, when the pigeons passed away, Sir Nigel would have them replaced, not telling Andy. Andy didn’t let on that she knew. She was happy to just call them Nate 3 or Lily 5, and just enjoy her only friends that didn’t want something from her. It also seemed to please the Queen that she enjoyed her gift so much, even though sometimes the Queen would start screaming, "They’re rats with wings and they live forever!"
It was hard to please your parents when they were insane, but Andy did what she could to placate her father when he was alive, and now her ailing mother. As Andy walked into the Queen’s bedchambers, she noted how frail her mother looked. The Queen’s private nurse was attempting to strap her in for the night.
"Hello, Jocelyn. Has it been a very bad day?" Andy said.
Jocelyn laughed softly, "If you don’t count getting away from me, grabbing a sword, and throwing it out the window, it’s been an okay day."
Andy smiled, "Hello, mummy. You look like you’re ready to go to sleep." The Queen had a small smile on her face, along with a dazed happy look.
"Andy, my sweet daughter, I know my elevator doesn’t go all the way up. But I know this, you have to find your true love and marry them only, or you’ll never be happy!"
"What’s an elevator, mummy?" But the Queen had already turned on her side and closed her eyes in slumber.
Andy looked at Jocelyn, "Wow, those new herbs the physician gave her work fast."
The two women turned their heads when they heard someone running down the hall. Serena, out of breath, "Come quickly! Princess Miranda is pummeling Lady Trollop out by the stables!"
Andy took off running after Serena, only tripping a little bit on her way. Jocelyn looked down at her sleeping patient. "Well, your Majesty, it looks like Andy’s suitors are going to fit right in."
When the entourage had first arrived to the stable yard, Jacqueline and Sir Christian had been exiting the barn, rumpled and hair mussed from their tryst. Christian had looked apologetic, but Jacqueline had looked at the group, and with a shrug of her shoulders, she started to walk past them muttering, "It’s not a big deal. He couldn’t even get it up."
It became very obvious to Miranda after seeing the Sachs treasure room why Jacqueline and Christian were there to compete as Andy’s suitors. Neither cared about Andy, just her fortune. There was also a possibility that Andy might choose one of them, even with the connection between them. All of these factors caused Miranda to snap, and she had throttled Jacqueline and thrown her to the ground. Everyone else present could do nothing but watch, because sometimes a bitch just gets what is coming to her.
Andy arrived on the heels of Serena to the stables. She certainly hadn’t expected to see everyone, Sir Nigel, Sir Christian, Emily and James just watching as Princess Miranda pushed Princess Jacqueline face first into a mud puddle. Miranda continued to pull Jacqueline by the hair up, then slammed her back down into the puddle.
From up above the chaos next to the stables, Lady Gaga was hanging out of the castle windows yelling, "P-p-poke her face! P-p-poke her face!"
An embarrassed Sir Christian noticed Andy first. "Abbey, I swear, she tripped and when I tried to help her I just fell on top of her!"
"Okay," a stunned and confused Andy said. "Why isn’t anyone trying to break them up?"
"We were going to stop it," said Nigel, "eventually."
Miranda heard Andy talking and finally released Jacqueline, "No need for anyone to intervene. I apologize for losing my temper." Miranda smoothed out a few wrinkles in her dress, not a speck of dirt or mud present, or a hair out of place.
Miranda watched as one of Jacqueline’s servants walked over to help her mistress. One of Andy’s beloved pigeons, Doug 7, flew over Jacqueline and pooped on her head. Jacqueline was already covered in mud, but let out a shriek of disgust.
"Well, that ends the tour," said Nigel, trying not to laugh. "We’ll let everyone freshen up, then meet up again in the dinning hall for the suitors challenge."
About an hour later everyone gathered in the dinning hall. Jacqueline had cleaned up, though she was sporting an impressive black eye and bruises around her neck. She was shooting glares at Miranda, but mainly looking around to avoid rogue pigeons.
"The suitors’ task this evening," Nigel was explaining, "is to demonstrate any special skills they have, using only objects in this room. Andy will decide who the winner is. Sir Christian will go first, Princess Jacqueline will go next, then Princess Miranda will go last."
Sir Christian stepped forward, his enormous cod piece gleaming. He unsheathed his sword and swung it suddenly to cut a wooden chair in half. He looked around, a confident expression on his face. There was a weak applause from everyone.
Emily and Serena were in the back of the room, watching. Emily rolled her eyes watching Christian. She whispered to Serena, "Big deal, Andy breaks a chair at least once a week."
"It could come handy in the winter, when Andy needs fire wood," Serena whispered back.
Andy looked confused again. Sir Christian was obviously strong, but she had liked that chair.
Next Princess Jacqueline stepped forward holding a cherry with a long stem. She placed the cherry in her mouth and a few moments later pulled the stem out, it was tied into a knot. She walked over and handed it to Andy. Andy looked confused again.
"Lady Trollop can’t tell that Andy’s a virgin. She has no idea what that means," Emily whispered to Serena. "Besides, anyone can do that. I can tie two knots in the stem with my tongue."
Serena looked at the read head, intrigued. "I wouldn’t mind a demonstration later on."
It was finally Miranda’s turn. Outwardly she had remained calm during the challenge, but inwardly she had an ‘oh shit’ moment because she didn’t have any special skills. But after watching Sir Limp Dick and Lady Trollop, she felt like she could do anything and it would be better than their special skills. The important thing was to impress Andy, who looked very beautiful with her confused expression turning the knotted cherry stem over in her hands.
It was obvious that Miranda would have to cater to Andy’s interests, of which she knew nothing about. She had heard Emily talking about Andy and her birds, but that’s all she knew. Sir Nigel had said that they had to use whatever was in the room, so Miranda walked over to Andy and asked, "Is there anything you enjoy doing in this room?"
While Andy was thinking, Miranda discretely grabbed Jacqueline’s cherry stem and tossed it into the nearby fire. Andy didn’t seem to notice.
"I always loved to see people dancing at the big parties my parents used to have." Andy smiled. That had been before they went totally crazy.
"Didn’t you ever dance?" Miranda had a feeling she already knew the answer.
"No," Andy looked down shyly and blushed. "I’m a little clumsy and no one wanted to dance with me."
Miranda felt very fortunate that not only did she get to see such a lovely blush, but she knew how to dance, and she could lead. Now she just had to find a way to have some music. Lady Gaga was sitting in a chair next to the piano, and Miranda walked over slowly to her and asked, "Do you know any slow songs?"
"Cause I’m bluffin’ with my muffin," the tiny blonde answered, and held up some sheet music.
James stepped forward, "That means yes. I’ll be happy to sing it while she plays. This is a beautiful song Princess Miranda, but the lyrics are a little out there."
"I’d expect nothing less." Miranda smirked. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that Jacqueline was standing with her arms crossed, a petulant expression on her face.
Miranda turned to her Princess with a smile, and held out her hand. Andy took her hand without thinking and let herself be pulled into her embrace as the sweet melody started. Miranda began to expertly waltz around the floor. Andy didn’t think about anything but being in Miranda’s arms.
James began to sing,
"I was a quick wet boy, diving too deep for coins
All of your street light eyes wide on my plastic toys
Then when the cops closed the fair, I cut my long baby hair
Stole me a dog-eared map and called for you everywhere."
As he got to the chorus, Emily and Serena joined him singing the harmony,
"Have I found you
Flightless bird, jealous, weeping or lost you, american mouth
Big pill looming
Now I'm a fat house cat
Nursing my sore blunt tongue
Watching the warm poison rats curl through the wide fence cracks
Pissing on magazine photos
Those fishing lures thrown in the cold
And clean blood of Christ mountain stream
Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding or lost you, american mouth
Big pill stuck going down."
The lyrics were odd, but the melody and the woman in her arms more than made up for it. Andy felt like she was literally being swept off her feet. She felt like they were the only people in the room as she leaned forward and met Miranda’s lips with her own and they began to trade soft kisses as they danced.
Jacqueline had watched them dance for a few minutes, and felt her fortune slipping away. She stomped out of the room, vowing to do everything she could to sabotage her nemesis and get the fortune for herself.
Christian thought it sweet that Allie and Maria were so friendly. He left to go check on his horse.
Lily 8, Doug 7, and Nate 7, the pigeons watched from the windowsill, and swayed with the music. They vowed to poop on Lady Trollop’s head as often as they could.
Sir Nigel watched, spellbound. It was plainly obvious that the two were falling in love after knowing each other for a day. He vowed to do everything he could to help Andy choose Miranda. But from the looks of the two women melded together in the middle of the room, it wouldn’t be a hard task.
For my own amusement, I’m starting a soundtrack for peeps to download:
Flightless bird, American mouth by Iron & Wine This really is a beautiful song, even though the lyrics are so odd.
www.sendspace.com/file/f6cytg
Poker Face by Lady Gaga
www.sendspace.com/file/l7sijj
Tune in next week: "I swear it’s like those pigeons have it in for me!"
"I know that Amber doesn’t really want to marry me, and that’s fine. I really just want to spend the rest of my life with my horse."
Part 5: community.livejournal.com/ysosrsmiranda/17985.html#cutid1