152 [audio]

[young_idealist]

I did contact a few people upon my return yesterday, mostly those who'd left messages for me upon my departure. I didn't mean to put off addressing the Barge in general so long.

Words are not enough for apologies, but only time will reveal action. I would like to ask for that time. I don't quite yet know how to proceed to get Dracula and me back on

Comments

Private - Written

[whattheytellyou]

I'm proud of you, Armand. It takes someone with true strength of character to take responsibility for their actions.

I hope this experience has helped you.

Private - Written

[young_idealist]

Thank you, Sarah.

This doesn't mean I'm not terrified. I think I used up all the credit I had with him to keep him merely non-violent so far. I don't think I have any way to prevent him acting up ahead of time now.

I could have stayed home, but it still seems I am trying to prove something to myself.

Private - Written

[whattheytellyou]

You know, courage isn't the absence of fear, but the ability to overcome it. And maybe coming back means you not only wanted to face your fears, but to stand by your inmate.

As for Dracula, I get the impression he doesn't want to be violent. That puts you a few steps ahead of some of us, at least.

Private - Written

[young_idealist]

I don't know if I am doing that well at all. I did come back though.

And... no, it isn't that he wishes to be violent against people as such. He wishes to be praised for not being violent, and petted for being a victim. I fell for that, because I wished him to stay nonviolent.

And now... I've no idea what to do next. I don't think he's going to listen to me, because I wish him to apologize to Dr. Lewis.

[ichoosefight]

[ She's positively beaming. ] Welcome back.

[video]

[young_idealist]

Thank you so much, Stephanie. How are you?

Do you want to go to lunch?

[video]

[ichoosefight]

Pretty good. I'm sure you've heard we went to port. It wasn't nearly as bad as everyone's making it out to be.

I'd love to.

[video]

[young_idealist]

Yours is one of the friendly faces I remembered. I wonder if they'll have mashed potatoes today?

[private] (OOC: sorry in advance!)

[feels_no_love]

The right course.

[Rumbling, mocking, verge of hysteria laughter]

According to the mass of this place I should apologize for my very existence. To Hell with the lot of them! I will never apologize for what I am or what I must do to survive.

Nor will I allow myself to be treated as if I ripped Rex's throat out because of a few harsh words. It is not my fault that he's a traumatized hysteric as well as an ass. The fact that I share a race with his attackers is relevant only in his mad little mind, and that of his bigoted Warden. His ability to stir up an already prejudiced crowd to attack and revile me does not make him right. I am not judged rightly by my actions here. Only by my race. They were waiting for the slightest slip so they could pour their hate out upon me. To Hell with all of them

[private]

[young_idealist]

No, apologizing for existing isn't it.

And being a vampire is not a race. You were not born a vampire. Your difference from others on board is not like Monsieur Thordarsson, the dwarf. You asked to be a vampire, or accepted a demonic or satanic offer to become one. As such, who you are is your responsibility. You are not responsible for Spike or the vampires of his world. You made our Aleera, so you are partially responsible for her, but I think she wants to be responsible for herself, so that lets you off there. Therefore, you are responsible for you. You attack and kill someone, no matter what they did, you did it. They may also be called to account for their actions, but self-defense is not a carte blanche excuse for slaughter.

You were not aware of Dr. Lewis's history. He is not well-regarded on board, but that doesn't make him any less a person. As you are a person. He was greatly harmed and then methodically victimized, the latter by a vampire with a psyche as rotten as a dead tree. It was your over sensitivity that partially

[private]

[feels_no_love]

Your attempt at speaking in an authoritarian manner would sound more convincing had you not abandoned me to face these continued indignities alone, Armand. Indignities that I have allowed to go on unanswered and unrevenged even as I swallowed my anger. But I suppose that that is not good enough for you. Nothing ever is.

I will not apologize to Rex Lewis. Understand that I do not believe for a moment that he deserved what he went through. But all I did was say the wrong thing. Would you force all of those who have reviled and attacked me to apologize to me? I do not think so. I have been punished enough without opening myself to even further mockery and antagonism by apologizing.

And I was reviled before now. People are only open about it now. I know where I stand. [More laughter, which really does not sound entirely sane.] I am free to revile them back.

I gave you, and them, my best. And no one even noticed or acknowledged that, except sometimes Charlie or Tony--which is exactly why I trust them first with my troubles.It did not

[private]

[young_idealist]

I never said this was solely your error.

And vampirism is a state of being, not a race. If you don't wish to be wholly identified with it and with the worst that all vampires have ever done, perhaps you'd do good to learn to identify with who else you are. Your life was unusual and you were used cruelly and grew to be a cruel man, but you were a man. You were born human.

It is true that many openly hate you or look down upon you or both, but it isn't everyone.

Courtesy still applies here, even if the harm you did was mistaken. I consider us all very lucky that you haven't killed so far, and if it seems I am taking it for granted, it is because it is the minimum of civil behavior that any creature who considers himself sentient and civilized should follow. Death should be casual or wanton or careless.

I am near to begging the Admiral to find you another warden. I'm tired near to death of trying to stand between you and "angry mob."

[Private]

[impure_tale]

Given who your Inmate happens to be, I think I now better understand your reasons for feeling somewhat...overwhelmed in attempting to reign him in.

[Private]

[young_idealist]

I'm afraid, and not for myself. I pushed him very hard shortly before I left, and he proved that he has no wish to harm me.

If things go on like they have, he is going to kill someone.

private

[fivestepsahead]

[ In fluent French. This is significant. ]

He was silent.

private

[young_idealist]

[Armand answers in kind.]

That is the most I could have hoped for.

He is rather angry at me at the moment, and I cannot blame him.

Are you still angry?

private

[fivestepsahead]

Better his anger than continuing to let him do as he does.

[ Pause. ] No. I'm glad that you have your foundation to draw strength from again.

private

[young_idealist]

I'm still not certain how to stop him. I am not very talented at being stern. He already thinks I've taken sides against him.

He's the last. Succeed or fail, I know where my home is, and I'm anxious to get back.

I wasn't certain how terribly wrong this had gone until you were angry.