152 [audio]

[young_idealist]

I did contact a few people upon my return yesterday, mostly those who'd left messages for me upon my departure. I didn't mean to put off addressing the Barge in general so long.

Words are not enough for apologies, but only time will reveal action. I would like to ask for that time. I don't quite yet know how to proceed to get Dracula and me back on

Comments

[private]

[young_idealist]

No, apologizing for existing isn't it.

And being a vampire is not a race. You were not born a vampire. Your difference from others on board is not like Monsieur Thordarsson, the dwarf. You asked to be a vampire, or accepted a demonic or satanic offer to become one. As such, who you are is your responsibility. You are not responsible for Spike or the vampires of his world. You made our Aleera, so you are partially responsible for her, but I think she wants to be responsible for herself, so that lets you off there. Therefore, you are responsible for you. You attack and kill someone, no matter what they did, you did it. They may also be called to account for their actions, but self-defense is not a carte blanche excuse for slaughter.

You were not aware of Dr. Lewis's history. He is not well-regarded on board, but that doesn't make him any less a person. As you are a person. He was greatly harmed and then methodically victimized, the latter by a vampire with a psyche as rotten as a dead tree. It was your over sensitivity that partially led to the debacle. I do not think a blanket warning against vampires should be included in the new arrival briefing, other than there are some on board and caution needs to be taken concerning certain articles and behaviors. It is not truly a matter of blanket trust or untrust. You are individuals. And some of you are damned touchy.

You will apologize to Rex. Not perhaps right now, but it will happen. Because you and he are far more alike than either of you would like to admit. You're both pariahs on board for completely different reasons. And it's your choice whether you want to stay that way or not.

For my part, I will request the Admiral block all communication between you and Rex on the network for now. You will not his conversations or records, and he will not be able to see yours. I mean to arrange for you to have regular hunting forays into the CES. And... I have a question regarding that. Please pardon my ignorance. Can you feed on the animals you kill? Some vampires don't seem to care much. Some cannot live at all on animal blood. Some find it disgusting or degrading. I was wondering if it could help you at all to be able to feed yourself without putting the Barge's population at risk.

This is your only warning. If you kill someone, provoked or not, you will face the most severe punishment I can find.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

Your attempt at speaking in an authoritarian manner would sound more convincing had you not abandoned me to face these continued indignities alone, Armand. Indignities that I have allowed to go on unanswered and unrevenged even as I swallowed my anger. But I suppose that that is not good enough for you. Nothing ever is.

I will not apologize to Rex Lewis. Understand that I do not believe for a moment that he deserved what he went through. But all I did was say the wrong thing. Would you force all of those who have reviled and attacked me to apologize to me? I do not think so. I have been punished enough without opening myself to even further mockery and antagonism by apologizing.

And I was reviled before now. People are only open about it now. I know where I stand. [More laughter, which really does not sound entirely sane.] I am free to revile them back.

I gave you, and them, my best. And no one even noticed or acknowledged that, except sometimes Charlie or Tony--which is exactly why I trust them first with my troubles.

It did not matter. One slip and the rest are all over me. So to Hell with them, and with you for taking what cost me so very much for granted. If I was oversensitive it is because I have gradually been going mad over the weeks from caging most of my nature without reward or even acknowledgment. I was giving you my best effort, and you...why do you deserve my best effort again? Explain it to me.

Vampires are a legitimate race. The fact that you do not view us as legitimate notwithstanding. I have attacked no one here; killed no one here. All I have done is been thoughtless and cruel in saying a few things, while not being psychic enough to determine that Lewis could not remotely handle them. And I have been punished enough for that by the mob.

I don't care about my source of blood. I would hunt the CES gladly so that at least I could taste some bit of victory again.

[private]

[young_idealist]

I never said this was solely your error.

And vampirism is a state of being, not a race. If you don't wish to be wholly identified with it and with the worst that all vampires have ever done, perhaps you'd do good to learn to identify with who else you are. Your life was unusual and you were used cruelly and grew to be a cruel man, but you were a man. You were born human.

It is true that many openly hate you or look down upon you or both, but it isn't everyone.

Courtesy still applies here, even if the harm you did was mistaken. I consider us all very lucky that you haven't killed so far, and if it seems I am taking it for granted, it is because it is the minimum of civil behavior that any creature who considers himself sentient and civilized should follow. Death should be casual or wanton or careless.

I am near to begging the Admiral to find you another warden. I'm tired near to death of trying to stand between you and "angry mob."

[private]

[feels_no_love]

No, but I am to be the only one punished. Aren't I? And it is all to make you look good. You don't care whether I am remorseful or not. It is all about your reputation among the other Wardens.

And you have been talking to Madame Frances too much, clearly. You are parroting exactly what she said to me. In reality, I am not human, I have no desire to be human, and I do not identify with your race. I was glad to find a way out of it. The man I was was weak, vulnerable, and trusted where he should not have. Why would I want to remember that at all, let alone reconnect with it? Next you are going to start going on that I should aspire to be permanently transformed into one of you! Is that your idea of "redemption", Armand? To make me as weak as you?

I don't care if all of them hate me or just most of them. It's reason enough not to bother with talking to anyone I do not know is my friend. In fact, since you started siding with the bastards I wonder why I bother talking to you.

Clearly, the fact that not killing is far more difficult for me than it is for an ordinary human doesn't even factor into your consideration. What a friend you are. So sensitive and compassionate. So eager to put yourself in my place and consider me as I have tried to consider you.

Fine. Find me another Warden! Find me one who won't abandon me and knife me in the back! Find me one who makes the slightest attempt to understand me as I am instead of constantly demanding that I be someone else! You already abandoned me temporarily; I imagine that felt very good. Go ahead and make it permanent. Don't even consider what YOU could have done better this entire time!

You're not standing between me and any angry mob--YOU HAVE SIDED WITH THEM AND BECOME THEIR MOUTHPIECE!

[private]

[young_idealist]

I have not, or you'd be in little pieces for a while then aching on a bed in the infirmary getting over dying.

Now hear this proposal out. If you can pull yourself together enough to meet me at the door to the warden only decks, I'll escort you to the CES and wait somewhere inside but out of the way for you to hunt until you feel a little better. I can wait however long it takes.

I know none of this is easy for you, but you either act like a civilized person in company or you will end up treated like a beast. Which would you rather have? I am not making a threat, just a prediction.

Meet me, and you can prove your strength on the beasts in the CES, whatever they are. I suppose I'll have to check if it's night or not when we get there.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

[More of that crazed laughter, now edged with bitterness]

I said you have become their mouthpiece, which you have. You take their side with your words, even though you just admitted that they want my blood. For what exactly, Armand--a very short argument? These people are insane! I have done nothing to them and yet they despise me!

[Finally his voice goes from mocking to dead serious. In fact, it is a thoughtful rasp, half to himself, and still feverish sounding.]

I have behaved in a most civilized manner, and yet this is where I am now. I am one of the best behaved Inmates on this filthy crate, and it earns me no credit with anyone, least of all you.

Why bother? Why bother with any of this? There is no point, and no reward. Only torment. I refrain from fighting back, I insist on being more civilized than they are being, and I am mocked for it. And you do not even notice.

I am slowly losing my reason from all of this, I can feel it going, I keep trying to tell you, and you...you dismiss it like half of everything I say. As whining, I imagine, or dramatics. You'll miss the honesty to my words until I cannot pull myself out of my daydreams at all.

I should go over the edge of the Barge now. [there is a faint ringing sound, like metal railing being struck.] Whatever awaits me there would be better than this shithole full of mad mortals. And if you are thus shamed by failure, so be it.

The only reason I do not take the leap is literally that so many would cheer. I am without hope that any good outcome will arise from my staying and enduring all of this. All I want is to leave. Perhaps I should anyway. Once I am gone, I will have no ability to hear the laughter and jubilation.

[The proposal of going to the CES makes him pause in his mad-sounding ramblings.]

...

Very well, I will try it. I am already on deck so it is no bother.

[private]

[young_idealist]

I know what whining sounds like. I'm an expert at it myself. I may as well say nothing at all, because you don't listen either.

I'll be there shortly.

[spam]

[feels_no_love]

[He was standing at the railing where he said he would be when Armand came near the Warden area entrance. His eyes were feverish; his face, closed. He had just conclusively learned that there was no point in confessing his feelings or frustrations to his Warden; they would merely be dismissed. When he spoke, his voice was cold again, as it had been in the beginning of their relationship.]

My apologies. I forgot for a little while that you are my jailor and not my confidant. It won't happen again.

[He looked back over the railing again, then drew himself away with a clear effort.]

[spam]

[young_idealist]

[Armand tried to keep his expression cold as well, not showing that he was hurt.] I'm not supposed to be your friend. Being a warden is a job, and my responsibility extends two ways. You won't let me protect you, and I can't keep people from having their own minds or exercising speech. No one will physically hurt you without answering to me.

[He drew out his pocket watch, which was his warden item, and turned to open the door the upper levels.] I keep asking you why you care what other people think. We're just humans. You claim to despise us all, so why care? What effect does the private opinion of a random person who lives on this ship have on you?

[He leads the way to the next upper level, where the entrance of the CES is.] I'll check to see if the sun is out in there.

[spam]

[feels_no_love]

Dracula was silent for a long while as he followed Armand. Finally he spoke, his voice carefully measured.

"There are two kinds of people. Those whom I consider, because I cannot care for them, and those whom I do not. Considering people, expending the mental effort to discipline myself toward their happiness and safety no matter the goad, is very difficult. Considering a whole Barge full of people, so that I neither hunt nor fight, is mentally exhausting. Being expected to remain perfectly civil and polite on top of that is even more so. Yet I do it all.

"But when people respond to my best efforts with rudeness, dismissiveness, threats or what have you, I become very frustrated, because my effort toward them was wasted. It becomes very tempting to go back to despising and dismissing all of you, because that is much easier than being thoughtful. I would not be so easily frustrated if I were not so very tired."

He sighed. "I hope that that makes sense. At times I wonder if my English is failing me."

[spam]

[young_idealist]

"It isn't either of our first languages," Armand admitted.

"I don't want to be cruel. I hate it. I respected you a great deal when I first met you, but my efforts to shield you have done nothing good for you."

But then he got the door to the CES open and peeked inside. Daylight. He sighed and stepped back out, letting the door slide closed. Then he keyed it open again. Finally a darkened desert with a glittering clear sky.

"Look in there, count, and let me know if you think you'll find what you want to hunt. We can try again if it will not suit you."

[spam]

[feels_no_love]

"...."

Dracula tried to consider in spite of the yammering in his head. "Sometimes I think you did work too hard to protect me. It left me in a strange place mentally, though I do not blame you for that. I merely...have not dealt with interpersonal conflict in over four hundred years. Back home I always commanded the situation entire. Coming into a situation where people could mock and insult me unpunished, at their leisure...was something of a shock." It embarrassed him how ill equipped he seemed to be to deal with it all, and that only added to his rage. "As a result I let you deal with things I should have. At first I legitimately could not, but after that...? I should have tried."

It was the best concession he could offer, and he said it quietly.

He obliged, looking in on a scene he had never even imagined. "This land...! I have never seen the like. Never mind changing it, I shall explore. Thank you."

[spam]

[young_idealist]

Armand nodded, still a bit withdrawn. He followed Dracula inside. "I'll stay near here. I mean to to try to find something to build a fire with to wait. I meant to ask earlier... the Admiral didn't leave you your flying ability did he?"

[spam]

[feels_no_love]

"No, he did not. I can glide but not fly. I will stay within foot range." He bowed briefly, and then turned to go.

[spam]

[young_idealist]

Not up to looking for flotsam to make into firewood yet, Armand settled down in the dark to wait

[spam]

[feels_no_love]

It was a desert. He had never seen one before, and knew not what beasts there could be around here, but ultimately after miles of running at top speed found nothing but the odd camel. He smelled water to the South and veered that way, hoping something large and nasty would be waiting at the watering hole.