152 [audio]
I did contact a few people upon my return yesterday, mostly those who'd left messages for me upon my departure. I didn't mean to put off addressing the Barge in general so long.
Words are not enough for apologies, but only time will reveal action. I would like to ask for that time. I don't quite yet know how to proceed to get Dracula and me back on the right course, but I will get to it. I understand he's been in near-seclusion for the past several days while many of you were enjoying another port. I am a little sad to have missed that one, but my leave was necessary.
A few months, two perhaps--I didn't count every day quite--have passed for me. While at home I saw the end of the Terror, and read of Robespierre and my cousin's death by guillotine. For the first time in many years, tis likely I could go to France and not have to hide. I find that idea liberating. England isn't my home, just a safe haven.
[warden filter]
I saw nothing on the network about Dracula acting out while I was gone, but I thought perhaps I should check to be certain. Has he behaved while I was gone as he'd promised? Monsieur Crews said he thought he had, but he's just one.
Just before I had to depart, my inmate informed me that he'd been hunting in the CES--or perhaps he only meant that he'd had an offer to go. I know I made no such offer or took him I would like to know for certain which warden did. I have a guess.
Thank you for your patience with me.
[friend filter (including Sarah) plus Dracula gets read only access]
My reception was not as bad as I'd feared. I have to admit my confessions seemed a surprise to all concerned, but neither did they earn me the scorn I expected. Marguerite, though she is married now, knows my nature. She watched me grow up at her side, and for much of that was the closest thing I truly remember to a mother. She is passionate and can be vengeful, but that passion includes a very strong love that her marriage has not wholly eradicated. My place in her heart was not usurped by her husband. He simply has his own place.
I cannot begin to express my gratitude when it was she who was able to soothe me, even my shameful tears. All is forgiven by her. And my only trouble with Percy was that he didn't understand why I broke my promise not to reveal my past treachery. I explained how I thought she'd already learned, and only needed to know if she forgave or not, and he understood. I wonder if, despite all signs that they are unaware of where I am, he does know something. Tis usually he who speaks to me when strangers and loved ones fill our network.
There were words, some of them quite heated for Percy, but as I said above, he did grow to understand and forgive all over again. He had made me promise to protect me more than Margot. Since the tragedy had been averted, protecting Margot from the ache of losing also her brother was not the concern. If she had cast me aside, she still had Percy. He was less amused by my confession about Jack Harkness. And Rose Tyler. I told him first, because I wasn't certain I'd be able to say such things to all three of them at once. Nor could I face him alone again. He is so English to the core; he doesn't understand infidelity or what can drive a lonely man. Mlle. Tyler, not the one on board now if anyone didn't know that, was a mistake. I was weak, pursued and pressured. Capt. Harkness was profoundly different, but I cannot make myself regret how I felt or what I did. I only wish to make certain it no longer has the power to hurt anyone else I love.
I told Margot and Jeanne together, and then let Jeanne say what she would to me. At some length. She is younger than I, but I suspect she wasn't a complete innocent before our marriage. I did not insist, ever, that she tell me of such things. I didn't believe I deserved such respect, if respect it was. In any case, I thought it wasn't my business. I tried to tell her that my time here--even if she cannot see it passing--has been long and confusing and lonely. Despite how unhappy he was at times, Capt. Harkness was a very vivid light and warmth I could not resist. I was yet again in need of rescuing, at least on the emotional level, and he did that. I only hope I also did something for him. I will forever wonder that.
She did not send me away. She cried and she screamed, and then let me soothe her. And for the next few weeks, we spent about as much time apart as together. But by the time the news came from France about Robespierre's bloody fall from grace, she'd accepted me back completely. This is the life I chose for myself that terrible day in January, and I must live with it. I am grateful to God and whomever else that Jeanne was not broken by my unfaithfulness.
And now I've returned, to mend what I may here.
[private to Dracula]
How fare you? We should talk.
I would like to know what you think about the results of my journey home.
Words are not enough for apologies, but only time will reveal action. I would like to ask for that time. I don't quite yet know how to proceed to get Dracula and me back on the right course, but I will get to it. I understand he's been in near-seclusion for the past several days while many of you were enjoying another port. I am a little sad to have missed that one, but my leave was necessary.
A few months, two perhaps--I didn't count every day quite--have passed for me. While at home I saw the end of the Terror, and read of Robespierre and my cousin's death by guillotine. For the first time in many years, tis likely I could go to France and not have to hide. I find that idea liberating. England isn't my home, just a safe haven.
[warden filter]
I saw nothing on the network about Dracula acting out while I was gone, but I thought perhaps I should check to be certain. Has he behaved while I was gone as he'd promised? Monsieur Crews said he thought he had, but he's just one.
Just before I had to depart, my inmate informed me that he'd been hunting in the CES--or perhaps he only meant that he'd had an offer to go. I know I made no such offer or took him I would like to know for certain which warden did. I have a guess.
Thank you for your patience with me.
[friend filter (including Sarah) plus Dracula gets read only access]
My reception was not as bad as I'd feared. I have to admit my confessions seemed a surprise to all concerned, but neither did they earn me the scorn I expected. Marguerite, though she is married now, knows my nature. She watched me grow up at her side, and for much of that was the closest thing I truly remember to a mother. She is passionate and can be vengeful, but that passion includes a very strong love that her marriage has not wholly eradicated. My place in her heart was not usurped by her husband. He simply has his own place.
I cannot begin to express my gratitude when it was she who was able to soothe me, even my shameful tears. All is forgiven by her. And my only trouble with Percy was that he didn't understand why I broke my promise not to reveal my past treachery. I explained how I thought she'd already learned, and only needed to know if she forgave or not, and he understood. I wonder if, despite all signs that they are unaware of where I am, he does know something. Tis usually he who speaks to me when strangers and loved ones fill our network.
There were words, some of them quite heated for Percy, but as I said above, he did grow to understand and forgive all over again. He had made me promise to protect me more than Margot. Since the tragedy had been averted, protecting Margot from the ache of losing also her brother was not the concern. If she had cast me aside, she still had Percy. He was less amused by my confession about Jack Harkness. And Rose Tyler. I told him first, because I wasn't certain I'd be able to say such things to all three of them at once. Nor could I face him alone again. He is so English to the core; he doesn't understand infidelity or what can drive a lonely man. Mlle. Tyler, not the one on board now if anyone didn't know that, was a mistake. I was weak, pursued and pressured. Capt. Harkness was profoundly different, but I cannot make myself regret how I felt or what I did. I only wish to make certain it no longer has the power to hurt anyone else I love.
I told Margot and Jeanne together, and then let Jeanne say what she would to me. At some length. She is younger than I, but I suspect she wasn't a complete innocent before our marriage. I did not insist, ever, that she tell me of such things. I didn't believe I deserved such respect, if respect it was. In any case, I thought it wasn't my business. I tried to tell her that my time here--even if she cannot see it passing--has been long and confusing and lonely. Despite how unhappy he was at times, Capt. Harkness was a very vivid light and warmth I could not resist. I was yet again in need of rescuing, at least on the emotional level, and he did that. I only hope I also did something for him. I will forever wonder that.
She did not send me away. She cried and she screamed, and then let me soothe her. And for the next few weeks, we spent about as much time apart as together. But by the time the news came from France about Robespierre's bloody fall from grace, she'd accepted me back completely. This is the life I chose for myself that terrible day in January, and I must live with it. I am grateful to God and whomever else that Jeanne was not broken by my unfaithfulness.
And now I've returned, to mend what I may here.
[private to Dracula]
How fare you? We should talk.
I would like to know what you think about the results of my journey home.