flash fiction/ The Abortion

[willabee]

Ginseng MacKay-Tisbert

The Abortion

It was spring; the snow was melting into rivers that seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road. The asphalt was glistening, as I rode

with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go

Comments

[tzviv1]

That was extremely engaging. That awful and sudden transformation from a light happy situation to one that is horrible is always jarring. I also was impressed and saddened by your dad. He dealt with the accident as well and calmly as one could expect. Yet I felt his 'pain' when he tried to comfort you. The end was uplifting as well. Hope and happiness creep back into your lives.
Well written. Thanks.

[skotiva]

Hmm. This is all in my opinion.

“Brrr... Dad, roll up your window! I’m freezing!” I shrugged back into my sweater.
Using "Brr" considering, it's a word representing a sound could be better used as As I was contemplating the landscape, I felt a cold chill down my spine which sent me into a brief shudder. I then yelled to my father, "Dad, it's freezing! Roll up the window!" Or something of that accord. This is something that goes on throughout the passage.

“Dad, but Dad, what about the baby?” my voice sounded dull.
It would be a better sentence if it were written as
"But dad, what about the baby?" I was in utter shock leaving my voice to sound dull. Something like that lol. Sounded does not fit in with that sentence correctly.

With the carnage off the road, we continued driving. The road was open to us, and we passed the ponds; the lakes with clear water on top. After a little bit my father turned the volume knob up and I rolled down the window.
This whole bit can be a paragraph in itself, and small grammer mistakes here and

[willabee]

thank you for the grammar correction...i tackle grammar intuitively...meaning i don't actually know it. so, thank you! i think, saying both that the character is in utter shock and sound dull is redundant...considering you knew that a dull sound in a person'a voice while reacting to an extreme situation means that they're in shock... don't you?

[heddychaa]

I'm an intuitive grammar person, too. It took me YEARS to finally figure out the difference between "its" and "it's", seriously! Haha.

[heddychaa]

I don't like the semi-colon in the first sentence. It doesn't add anything to the meaning of the sentence, just makes it longer. Switch her out for a period.

seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road.

Saying water "danced" across the road is redundant. I understand that you are talking about two surfaces, but I don't think the close similar instances of personification do you any good.

The asphalt was glistening, as I rode with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go look at a truck, a baby blue ’72 GMC that was to be my 17th birthday gift.

This sentence functions really oddly, and your first comma is unnecessary. I don't know if I really like how these two things are combined into one sentence. Maybe replace your bit about water dancing in the first place with the image of ashphalt glistening? And then make the second part its own sentence: "I was riding with my father (not capitalized, with "my" in front it is not a proper noun) from Elizebethtown to Plattsburgh . . ."

It was a

[heddychaa]

There was a woman weeping in the road, and I could smell the breaks burning.

I don't know what it is, but I just don't like how these two thoughts have been connected into one sentence. How about "I could smell the breaks burning. There was a woman in the road, weeping."

Dad pulled the car neatly alongside the gutter, filled with gutter flowers.

The lake's frozen over but there are flowers in the gutter? I think you mean to have this be set in early spring. Maybe:
"Dad pulled the car neatly alongside a gutter filled with the buds of wildflowers."
Although I'm not sure why your character would be checking out the foliage when there's something serious happening. Once again, be choosy with your pacing. Lots of imagery slows your story down and directs the reader away from what it immediately happening.

Quietly I watched her thrust her face against my father’s chest, her dry, grey hands like sheets of homemade paper fluttered out of her woolen sweater to grab his arms.Whoa now, another one of these sentences that could use some of

[heddychaa]

It was stretched before me; its stomach must have burst on impact, for its entrails left a foul smear on the pavement. I peered more closely, I couldn’t look away. At first it was just blood, and the smell of warm raw meat, but in the blood I could make out a form; soft bones expelled on the road. It was small enough that I could have held it in my arms, rocked it even.More semi-colons! The semi-colon is a powerful piece of punctuation. Don't throw it around willy-nilly

[heddychaa]

I love the climax of the story, but the ending gets weak, I think because the imagery is a bit overwrought. Your paragraph about the deer is stunning! Let it shine by ending the story on an understated note. Here is how I would rework it.

"My father's mustache was very still. It pointed down towards his shoulder. I thought about the soft bones expelled on the road, about blood in a dumpster.

With the carnage off the road, we got back into the car. The road was open to us, and we passed the ponds, the lakes with clear water on top.

After awhile, my father turned the volume knob up and I rolled down the window.Your readers have already made the visceral connection between dead deer and dead baby. You don't need to spell it out for them; it's too heavy handed and it doesn't allow them to make their own associations. You don't need to do all the work