flash fiction/ The Abortion
Ginseng MacKay-Tisbert
The Abortion
It was spring; the snow was melting into rivers that seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road. The asphalt was glistening, as I rode
with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go ( Read more... )
seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road.
Saying water "danced" across the road is redundant. I understand that you are talking about two surfaces, but I don't think the close similar instances of personification do you any good.
The asphalt was glistening, as I rode with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go look at a truck, a baby blue ’72 GMC that was to be my 17th birthday gift.
This sentence functions really oddly, and your first comma is unnecessary. I don't know if I really like how these two things are combined into one sentence. Maybe replace your bit about water dancing in the first place with the image of ashphalt glistening? And then make the second part its own sentence: "I was riding with my father (not capitalized, with "my" in front it is not a proper noun) from Elizebethtown to Plattsburgh . . ."
It was a ( ... )
Reply
I don't know what it is, but I just don't like how these two thoughts have been connected into one sentence. How about "I could smell the breaks burning. There was a woman in the road, weeping."
Dad pulled the car neatly alongside the gutter, filled with gutter flowers.
The lake's frozen over but there are flowers in the gutter? I think you mean to have this be set in early spring. Maybe:
"Dad pulled the car neatly alongside a gutter filled with the buds of wildflowers."
Although I'm not sure why your character would be checking out the foliage when there's something serious happening. Once again, be choosy with your pacing. Lots of imagery slows your story down and directs the reader away from what it immediately happening.
Quietly I watched her thrust her face against my father’s chest, her dry, grey hands like sheets of homemade paper fluttered out of her woolen sweater to grab his arms.Whoa now, another one of these sentences that could use some of ( ... )
Reply
Reply
"My father's mustache was very still. It pointed down towards his shoulder. I thought about the soft bones expelled on the road, about blood in a dumpster.
With the carnage off the road, we got back into the car. The road was open to us, and we passed the ponds, the lakes with clear water on top.
After awhile, my father turned the volume knob up and I rolled down the window.Your readers have already made the visceral connection between dead deer and dead baby. You don't need to spell it out for them; it's too heavy handed and it doesn't allow them to make their own associations. You don't need to do all the work ( ... )
Reply
Reply
That book is seriously great, though. The author has an excellent sense of humour. . . it's pretty much the only way I can stomach grammar!
Reply
Wow. I was impressed by your skill at criticizing this poem. Where did you learn these skills? I'm new to writing and do not really know how to pick a peice apart. I'm familar with "Eats, shoots and leaves", although I'm not an expert on grammar by any means. Also your ability to criticize whiile being kind and caring. I realize this is probably not the forum for this email but I was unsure of another way to send it.
Reply
I find that it helps to just go line by line and write down my thoughts. When you've critiqued alot of work, and written alot yourself, you find yourself having more and more to say.
As for my ability to criticize while being kind and caring. . . you are probably the first and last person to tell me that. It's not a commonly held belief in this here community, haha.
Replying to comments is a perfect way for you to talk to anyone. :)
Reply
Leave a comment